Gates of Hell

I fucked it all up
Nothing new
It’s what I do
Murdering trust
the most delicate of a relationship’s features

She struck back
with words as sharp as a prison yard shank
ripping into my soul
leaving me in pain
The agonizing torture
of true depression

My heart races
muscles ache
bones sore
a familiar feeling

Minimal sleep
with needles appearing in every dream
waking me whilst resonating in my mind
Battling with my own demons
whilst I compete for the one thing
that completes my soul
to not disappear

Guilt and fear
directing every thought
driving me closer to those dreams
Self loathing for
not being the man I know I can
causing more
guilt and fear
driving me closer to the needle

Subconsciously the needle brings me peace
as it always has
The conscious thoughts use the spike to
inject the same substance
yet the goal has changed
from feeling tranquility
to feeling peace followed by bodily death
from temporary relief
to a permanent sleep

Spiraling downward to the gates of hell
Tempted to enter
the fiery land of the damned
knowing the flames will burn
yet feeling a comfortable
content familiarity

I long for that warmth
before I’m torched
The numbness that relieves the
guilt
pain
regret
The escape from
self loathing
depression
and most of all
the bitterness
of never feeling so close to another soul
then having it all ripped away

I fucked it all up
because that’s what I do
I don’t know another way
All the love in the world
couldn’t save us now
but I’m fighting for it anyhow
praying for a miracle
that would provide me
the one thing that can save me from myself

I step back from the gates
keeping them in my view
watching the scorching flames
beyond the comfortable warmth
and I pray that she will come down
and snatch me out of here

Then I spot her through the flames
realizing that she is at her own entrance
to the flames
having a similar internal debate

It’s become painfully clear to me
We will either climb out together
or we burn up alone

The internal war continues on...