LOOSE LEAF GRIEF      

                         
see here                          
this loose leaf                          
grief again                          
where                          
another page                          
fell of age                          
from somewhere                          
deep within                          
always so mystified                          
again and again                          
especially when                          
these aura borne                          
thunderstorms                          
surreally crack                          
across my eyes                          
in these kinetic                          
migrained lines                        
lightning bolted                          
crowns of thorns                          
aurora borealis torn                          
like mystic flows                          
of silk robes                          
worn                          
by shadow spirits                          
in the wind                          
slow motioned                          
in their                          
tai chi dance                          
across the snapped                          
synaptic expanse                          
of my uniquely                          
peculiar                          
too long misunderstood                          
non linear mind                          
aside from these                          
occasionally                          
disabling vascular shows                          
at times                          
i am compelled                          
to much simpler forms                
of                
self erasure                
as well                
out here                
upon this whispering gulfs          
salty  wind blown      
sandy shores                          
where the friendly                          
unbiased solitude                          
and effortless                          
companionship                      
of nature                      
along with                      
the raw                      
primal  elemental love                      
and profound                      
natural intimacy                      
of this vast                      
gulf of mexicos                      
living waters and waves                      
the true spiritual home                      
of my heart                      
spirit and soul                      
beyond the other                      
necessary                      
but only temporary                      
societal barriers                      
of even further                  
separation                      
of painful disconnection                      
culturally imposed                      
upon me                      
by all these thin                      
square room walls                      
which will                      
most likely                      
continue                      
to shelter                      
and confine me                      
throughout                      
the rest of my life                      
just as they do                      
in one form                      
or another                      
universally                      
for most of humanity                      
but its most often been                      
that very humanity                      
which has so completely                      
denied                      
and rejected me                      
and never  ever                      
fully accepted me                      
nor let me in                      
as a happy                      
functional  component                      
nor participant                      
amongst themselves                      
enough to ever                      
be or feel as if                      
i was ever truly                      
a meaningful                      
appreciated                      
or even partially understood                      
part of their collective                      
them                      
but once again                      
its only been nature                      
and this wondrous worlds                      
living seas                      
healing waters                      
and cosmically born                      
waves                      
which have taken                
me in                      
so completely                      
and held me so                
sweetly                      
throughout                      
my now long                      
more aged life                      
in the transformational                   
deep embrace                      
of her and all                      
of lifes                
and creations                      
highest true oneness                      
which has                      
shown me                          
greater kindness here                
and everywhere                
i have traveled                
and gone                
in my lifes                
still ongoing                
rich                
experiential journey                
than so called                
humanity                
ever has                
yet far more                      
unconditionally                      
intimately  beyond                          
the relentless tests                          
of local humanity                          
here                
and wherever else                
i have lived                
or roamed                
but here                
where i presently                
still exist                
and live                
my life now                
in this still                
special space                
wherein its spirit                
of place                
through its                
recyclic change                
of seasons                
can still vibrantly emote                          
their temperaments                          
in subtle                
and more radically                
dramatic                        
sudden changes of weather                          
in strong gulf winds                
blasting                
out over                
miles of open                
sandy beaches                
whose fine                
loose grains of sand                
race like                
frantically slithering                
blankets                
of spirit snakes                
rapidly zig zagging                
out over the flat                
sandy shorelines plains                
like sidewinder ghosts                          
a blowin                          
in the gypsied                          
passions                          
of violent                          
passing storms                          
and in less frequent                          
zen like days                          
of perfect                          
utter tranquility                
of serene                
peaceful stillness                        
here on this                          
little island                          
out here                
in the gulf                          
of mexico                
in this unique                
special place                
ive called                
and made                         
my present home                          
where between                          
its chaotic clutter                          
its historic beauty                          
and its indigenous                          
endangered calmness                  
along with its                  
ever diminishing                  
historically                  
over exploited                  
raped and pillaged                  
polluted  poisoned                  
neglected  forgotten                  
increasingly vanishing                  
now rapidly                  
dying                  
most primal                  
vital                  
essential essence                  
of its most                  
natural                  
most spiritually transcendent                  
true living                  
spirit of place                  
which still yet                  
somewhat remains                  
in scattered                  
little                  
fractured pockets                  
mostly found                  
in more remotely                  
isolated areas                  
where what                  
relatively little                  
of the natural                  
landscape                  
and whatever                  
living ecosystems                  
within them                        
which have been                          
truly                  
left alone                          
in tact                  
the true spirit                  
of place                  
though more frailly                  
diluted now                  
can still yet                  
be found                  
and communed with                  
for those awake                  
enough                  
to sense  see  feel                  
and recognize them                  
fully                  
with their body                  
mind  spirit            
senses               
and heart                  
which can still            
so intimately                
reconnect                  
one            
transcendently            
back to            
true            
oneness            
with source                  
and heal                  
all that                  
which ails                  
the body  mind                  
heart  spirit                  
and soul                  
in ways                  
so long missing                  
in them                  
just as they                  
have                  
for so long                  
so many years                  
here with me                  
but despite                  
that once                  
much more certain                  
consistently                  
dependable                  
natural fact                  
everything now                  
is so much more                  
rapidly                  
ever changing                  
i find myself                  
worrying                  
more frequently now                  
at times                  
as these special                  
endangered                  
still relatively pristine                  
sacred places                  
and spaces                  
increasingly                  
disappear                  
making them fewer                  
and fewer                  
harder to access                  
and find                  
to the degree                  
that now here                  
locally for me                  
upon this small island                  
where ive now                  
lived                  
collectively for                  
twenty two years                  
and where somedays          
it  seems                  
to me                  
that theres barely                          
room enough anymore                          
for my necessary                          
absorption                          
and perpetual mosaicing                          
towards                          
some deeper sense                          
of clarity                          
and essential                          
ever more rapidly                          
vanishing                          
inner and outer                          
quality                
natural  sustainable                  
ever lasting                  
inner                  
and outer                  
peace                  
still left                  
in this                  
our                  
not so much                  
dying                  
but rather                  
only necessarily                  
lapsing                  
of this larger                
greater world                
as a collective                
whole                
of this life                  
of this so called                  
illusory                  
temporal                  
reality                  
weve all                  
come to know                
in such          
micro macro                
mostly scientific          
seemingly never ending          
ever evolving          
ever changing          
detail                
but tragically                
not that intimately                
after all                
on and on          
and in                
a much deeper                
more spiritually connected                
truly intimate                
more profoundly      
experiential way                
so that                  
a whole newer                  
change                  
of better                  
higher frequency                  
higher dimensional                  
worlds                  
may finally                  
at so long          
last                
be born anew                
to fully manifest                  
and more radiantly                
become          
our one          
and only perhaps          
very last hope          
and chance          
left          
beyond some miraculously          
benevolent          
divine  ineffable act          
of grace          
through which          
some instantaneous          
universally transformational          
mass awakening          
of true enlightenment          
should suddenly          
come          
to save us          
all          
from ourselves          
but if not          
then its so          
simply          
and so obviously          
so profoundly clear          
that our only          
other possible hope        
left        
is up to          
us all          
yes          
up to          
us all          
alone        
and based on        
all the given        
known and unknown        
historical        
and current        
present evidence        
we have        
theres nothing more        
in this world        
in our lives        
in the whole        
of all creation        
in the infinite        
whole        
of all that        
is        
which scares        
me more        
than that        
profoundly existential        
yet highly    
improbable       
unconscionably pathetic    
last chance    
blind eyed    
global human    
mostly apathetic stance    
of persistently    
doing nothing    
to ever pull back    
as a collective    
species    
to turn our    
self destructive ways    
around enough    
in time    
to throw them    
urgently    
into reverse    
for at this already  
much too late point    
it seems perhaps    
our time left here    
has critically now    
about run out    
as the only    
living species    
ever    
to walk and live    
upon our planet    
throughout    
its entire history    
to still be    
so addictively    
hell bent    
upon completely    
destroying    
what relatively little    
pristine  natural beauty  
and wonder    
are still left here    
upon this    
our now    
so rapidly dying    
though still yet    
beautiful    
precious    
sacred  living    
conscious mother earth    
due to mankind s    
historical    
collective curse    
our ongoing      
so selfishly disconnected    
wholly unenlightened    
tragically sad    
curtain calls    
seemingly hopeless    
closing scenes    
abominably    
unspeakable    
final    
last    
apocalyptic act    
may now    
more likely    
soon possibly be    
forever lost    
and gone    
for good