Rambling thought I suppose

You make me want to read.
Library books and the smell of old parchment
as I fall asleep
feeling closer to you.

I want to paint your cheeks
then things remind me of him
and I could cry but I wont
because I don't understand if it's a worthwhile approach.

He's still there
behaving so appropriately that it taunts me
I'm stifling the parts of me
that want to make me lie next to you
and keeping the parts that make nothing.

I want something weightless with depth
that can throw you into recalling memories which tear you to infinite pieces each time
like I have had
but with absolutely no weight
so the errors won’t fall so quickly
and we can drag them along next to the birds a little longer
I know everything ends
and this is hopelessness at its best.

Waiting is numbing compared to the heavy lump I can feel sitting somewhere between my lungs and my chest
I don't even have a fucking clue what it wants with me anymore.
I used to think it signaled death
or maybe it was part of me healing
you can never eat enough to fill it
so I stopped.
But it still sits like a paperclip holding me together

without knowing that this is so painful
how would I know you can make me something even half beautiful.
I don't want to say it
because I can't tell if the irreparable hole speaks for itself
but I think I love you
it's not the distance talking
or the fact I’m lonely
because I could sit here for hours
maybe even 2 months if you're lucky
and simmer over you.

To scare you again by kissing you there
sealing this gap between my ribs
I knew I'd be scared but it wrote in red
impermeable marker across our time
spoke that it was the end from there on in
you understood
and I hate you for being kind
you've lost my heart but gained my mind
temporarily though I think

as there's this one other string
that I thought I should cut
but didn't
through the hope
that it might be infinite.