deepundergroundpoetry.com
poem for one
when we met
before I had ever heard the words "I love you"
and believed them
she was all the bright colours
and when I'd finished
she'd hidden
them all
away
Published 4th May 2013
| Edited 5th May 2013
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likes 12
reading list entries 1
comments 19
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The author encourages honest critique.
4th May 2013 1:32pm
5th May 2013 7:29am
4th May 2013 4:00pm
"when we met
before I had ever heard the words "I love you"
and believed them
she was all the bright colours
and when I left
she was
no colours
at all"
Powerful imagery in those words and a common thing.
Guilt slowly eats away at everything.
Great write Hemi, with much depth I find. :)
before I had ever heard the words "I love you"
and believed them
she was all the bright colours
and when I left
she was
no colours
at all"
Powerful imagery in those words and a common thing.
Guilt slowly eats away at everything.
Great write Hemi, with much depth I find. :)
5th May 2013 7:27am
4th May 2013 5:04pm
5th May 2013 7:28am
Cheers D...nor much here really, but happy the small bite worked a little bit.
h.
h.
4th May 2013 5:14pm
Hugh,
I appreciate you feeling out a new device to play around with . It works , says something solid with minimal words.
I would however try and make a case to have 'away' included as the last word. I think ( the pace I read it) that your one word off for the flowing of it.
Anyhow, glad to see you've got the versitility in you.
Nice one.
I appreciate you feeling out a new device to play around with . It works , says something solid with minimal words.
I would however try and make a case to have 'away' included as the last word. I think ( the pace I read it) that your one word off for the flowing of it.
Anyhow, glad to see you've got the versitility in you.
Nice one.
5th May 2013 00:28am
Yeah, I agree with CraicDealer; adding "away" would allow the piece to trail beautifully - and like him, I enjoyed the brevity ... the "nothin' to say" of it. Not your usual style, but looks like you might fit there if you so wanted.
This one is a kick in the guts, and I'm sorry for how you got to it, but gee it's described soft as a caress ...
This one is a kick in the guts, and I'm sorry for how you got to it, but gee it's described soft as a caress ...
5th May 2013 2:00am
Alright alright you beautiful bastards...i'll put it in. Was trying upset even the beauty of the poem..if you see what I mean.
hh
hh
4th May 2013 5:31pm
5th May 2013 2:02am
5th May 2013 5:58am
5th May 2013 6:05am
Thank you my dear...have been stripping and playing with it for a day now...have stripped out the rubbish, and left what was the central idea.
:-)
hh
:-)
hh
Anonymous
5th May 2013 11:22pm
One of your best he hemi...
25th May 2013 10:24pm
Cheers S...not sure about it myself, the last verse feels hollowed out, but I do remember that that was my intention at the time, to hang it in a way that jarred, so it's being left alone...
Good man mate.
h.
Good man mate.
h.
Anonymous
25th May 2013 7:08pm
So much conveyed with so few words, really enjoyed this.
25th May 2013 10:25pm
12th Jun 2013 5:20am
12th Jun 2013 10:59pm
