Where I've Been ....Who I am

My heart has been to some of the lowest depths...
I have felt as though I were drowning...
Day in..and
Day out...
Searching for answers that make no sence
Nothing fits...
Like a puzzle missing pieces...
Yet the pieces are no where to be found...

I have sought the knowledge of Elders
Both Living and Evolved...
Little comfort was achieved as the
Miasma of thoughts swirling through my brain
could never answer my one question....

Why?...

Since then I have contemplated
Ruminated...fumed...broken down
screamed and yelled at the heavans...
Till I had no voice left...

Only then did I realize...
Who I was....
As we all do in the face of tragedy
and adversity.....

I didnt know what being strong was
until this tradgedy nearly broke me

I didnt know what having faith was ...
until I had to trust in something
other than my own knowledge... to keep
me sane....

I didnt know...I had any laughter or
smiles left in my soul....
Until  I talked to my niece in
Spirit a few days ago....

She spoke through my dreams..
She told me how much she loved me...
and how much she missed my Creole Cooking

and...
She told me life moves...
in mysterious ways....
the regret of her actions
weighed heavy in her voice...
yet she told me...
she was where she needed to be...

I slept and dreamed with tears
rolling down my face in my sleep.

Begging her to allow herself to show up
somewhere in  my waking life....

Then she said..." Auntee, I'm always with you
covering you with my love...
sheilding you with my spirit....
Hovering near enough...to move
with the wind through your locks"....

Adversity...I have found is a nessesary thing
It shapes us...
Pain is needed too...
It has a way of melting the unwanted debris
from our soul....
Leaving us with only...the strongest
brightest...and purest parts of ourselves

Who I am today....and
Who I was a month ago....
are very diffrent people....

Through this Tragedy...
I have found my self...
Through this pain....
there is a new part of me...
shining...
Because Of where I've been....
It has changed forever
Who I am.