~ Critique Series ~
crimsin said:this is a way early one of mine from 2011 I would love for it to be critiqued 
Fractured Mind
Fractured mind, fractured soul
Inside me, outside me
They dig my hole.
Who are these people?
I don't know
Always digging deeper
Into my fragile soul.
Who are you?
They prod and pick
Ever deeper
Until I get sick.
Into the abyss they drag me
I've fought so hard
But with knives of steel they carve me.
Out numbered, outwitted
They know I know
So with a straight jacket
I'm outfitted.
Chaining me training me not to see
Who to tell?
Who would believe?
Are they Mason's, demons?
Or both of the above
I didn't ask for the hole they've dug.
Into my fractured mind, fractured soul
They continue to mine
As if it were coal.
On and on they dig
For this, I will never forgive
I know somewhere my exit exists
I will make it to the gate, I will persist.
wonderful critique Ahavati on Amelia's poem
here is a free verse poem I wrote that I would love to be critiqued if you didn't care to critique my rhyming poem.. it would be deeply appreciated
Truth In Nonsense
butane eyes belie
the truth in your excrement
smeared on the walls of my mind
slithers on the wind
slimy of hand and heart
chemically addicted gnat
acidic angel with wire hair
blood flows from a drunk carpet
absorbing corruption
cigarette smoking a human
exhaling the ashy soul
the tobacco coughs up a turd
the welfare check talks back
children ringing off the hook
go unnoticed playing off key notes
river of stone
flowing nonsense
from it's garaged nose
housing a white woman
virgin whore
whose skin is snow
black of day
kisses the tarmac
ears to an empty computer
talking walls
don't listen to the ramblings
of a guitar string that has snapped
Fractured Mind
Fractured mind, fractured soul
Inside me, outside me
They dig my hole.
Who are these people?
I don't know
Always digging deeper
Into my fragile soul.
Who are you?
They prod and pick
Ever deeper
Until I get sick.
Into the abyss they drag me
I've fought so hard
But with knives of steel they carve me.
Out numbered, outwitted
They know I know
So with a straight jacket
I'm outfitted.
Chaining me training me not to see
Who to tell?
Who would believe?
Are they Mason's, demons?
Or both of the above
I didn't ask for the hole they've dug.
Into my fractured mind, fractured soul
They continue to mine
As if it were coal.
On and on they dig
For this, I will never forgive
I know somewhere my exit exists
I will make it to the gate, I will persist.
wonderful critique Ahavati on Amelia's poem
here is a free verse poem I wrote that I would love to be critiqued if you didn't care to critique my rhyming poem.. it would be deeply appreciated
Truth In Nonsense
butane eyes belie
the truth in your excrement
smeared on the walls of my mind
slithers on the wind
slimy of hand and heart
chemically addicted gnat
acidic angel with wire hair
blood flows from a drunk carpet
absorbing corruption
cigarette smoking a human
exhaling the ashy soul
the tobacco coughs up a turd
the welfare check talks back
children ringing off the hook
go unnoticed playing off key notes
river of stone
flowing nonsense
from it's garaged nose
housing a white woman
virgin whore
whose skin is snow
black of day
kisses the tarmac
ears to an empty computer
talking walls
don't listen to the ramblings
of a guitar string that has snapped
I'll beat Johnny to the punch on this one!
crimsin said:this is a way early one of mine from 2011 I would love for it to be critiqued
Fractured Mind
Fractured mind, fractured soul
Inside me, outside me
They dig my hole.
I'm wondering how you could emphasize this more. I like the inference that your thoughts (mind) and soul (spirit) can dig your hole in times of uncertainty and doubt. Especially when in conflict with each other. The segments seem a bit fractured and I'm thinking it could be more cohesive in its flow.
Who are these people?
I don't know
Always digging deeper
Into my fragile soul.
This stanza flows so much better and doesn't present the reader with such a jutted ride. It wasn't until this verse that I realized you may be referring to actual people outside you rather than thoughts coming from the outside.
Who are you?
They prod and pick
Ever deeper
Until I get sick.
This verse reflects the twisting questions that come at us like bullets, leaving holes in the resolve of what we thought we knew. Opening up seals of history to bleed them out - causing us to face what we wanted to forget. I would suggest quotation marks or italicizing the first line of this - that way the reader immediately knows it's a quote, and not directed at them.
Into the abyss they drag me
I've fought so hard
But with knives of steel they carve me.
No ambiguity here. We often feel bruised and cut up when dealing with negative thoughts (ours or others). I'm thinking a bit of syntax revision on this one would work wonders. How could you say this differently?
Out numbered, outwitted
They know I know
So with a straight jacket
I'm outfitted.
That surrendering moment when you know you're outnumbered. I really like the alliteration of both the first and second line. And, I really like the enveloped use of 'outfitted' in the final. However, I'm having a difficult time with the third line. Though a necessary element, I feel, once again, that the syntax could be rearranged for a smoother flow of the stanza as a whole.
Chaining me training me not to see
Who to tell?
Who would believe?
This reflects the desperation of hope wanting to survive, to reach for light and be pulled out. The first line seems a run on to me, and I would suggest either separating between me and training, or inserting a comma after me. Although, in desperation many people do run on sentences so the run-on could also reflect that mindset. Who to tell who would believe indeed. Those flickering questions of hope refusing to give up.
Are they Mason's, demons?
Or both of the above
I didn't ask for the hole they've dug.
Considering you've already asked who they were - I feel this is redundant despite a clear vision of who they could be. I'm wondering if this stanza is needed to make your point? It seems to back space somewhat, causing the reader to pause from the flow they'd just picked up. I'm wondering if this stanza could be incorporated with another, say the second?
Into my fractured mind, fractured soul
They continue to mine
As if it were coal.
This resumes the experience. Do you need fractured twice in the first line? Since you're referring to mind and soul, you'll need to change "it" to "they" in the third line.
On and on they dig
For this, I will never forgive
I know somewhere my exit exists
I will make it to the gate, I will persist.
I wasn't certain where this was going to lead (which is part of its mystery). So I'm happy the resolve is to fight and survive. Because the previous verse expounded on mining, do you need the first line here? Is it a bit redundant? As it's inferred that miners dig as deeply as they can before a concave or resources are depleted. How would it read without the first line coming in from the previous verse? What if you replaced "know somewhere" with "believe"? If you want to emphasize "I will persist" I would recommend it being the final line under "I will make it to the gate".
After reading you for the past two years, I can tell this was an earlier piece. Yet, you still maintain your strength and resolve to survive whatever life or circumstance throws at you. And it shows through your writes. That part has not changed. I would recommend revisiting this in your current stage of development, and seeing how it could be revised to both tighten up the point and emphasize the hope that prevails in the end.
Brenda, I appreciate you participating in this series. It was an honor to critique your poem.
crimsin said:this is a way early one of mine from 2011 I would love for it to be critiqued
Fractured Mind
Fractured mind, fractured soul
Inside me, outside me
They dig my hole.
I'm wondering how you could emphasize this more. I like the inference that your thoughts (mind) and soul (spirit) can dig your hole in times of uncertainty and doubt. Especially when in conflict with each other. The segments seem a bit fractured and I'm thinking it could be more cohesive in its flow.
Who are these people?
I don't know
Always digging deeper
Into my fragile soul.
This stanza flows so much better and doesn't present the reader with such a jutted ride. It wasn't until this verse that I realized you may be referring to actual people outside you rather than thoughts coming from the outside.
Who are you?
They prod and pick
Ever deeper
Until I get sick.
This verse reflects the twisting questions that come at us like bullets, leaving holes in the resolve of what we thought we knew. Opening up seals of history to bleed them out - causing us to face what we wanted to forget. I would suggest quotation marks or italicizing the first line of this - that way the reader immediately knows it's a quote, and not directed at them.
Into the abyss they drag me
I've fought so hard
But with knives of steel they carve me.
No ambiguity here. We often feel bruised and cut up when dealing with negative thoughts (ours or others). I'm thinking a bit of syntax revision on this one would work wonders. How could you say this differently?
Out numbered, outwitted
They know I know
So with a straight jacket
I'm outfitted.
That surrendering moment when you know you're outnumbered. I really like the alliteration of both the first and second line. And, I really like the enveloped use of 'outfitted' in the final. However, I'm having a difficult time with the third line. Though a necessary element, I feel, once again, that the syntax could be rearranged for a smoother flow of the stanza as a whole.
Chaining me training me not to see
Who to tell?
Who would believe?
This reflects the desperation of hope wanting to survive, to reach for light and be pulled out. The first line seems a run on to me, and I would suggest either separating between me and training, or inserting a comma after me. Although, in desperation many people do run on sentences so the run-on could also reflect that mindset. Who to tell who would believe indeed. Those flickering questions of hope refusing to give up.
Are they Mason's, demons?
Or both of the above
I didn't ask for the hole they've dug.
Considering you've already asked who they were - I feel this is redundant despite a clear vision of who they could be. I'm wondering if this stanza is needed to make your point? It seems to back space somewhat, causing the reader to pause from the flow they'd just picked up. I'm wondering if this stanza could be incorporated with another, say the second?
Into my fractured mind, fractured soul
They continue to mine
As if it were coal.
This resumes the experience. Do you need fractured twice in the first line? Since you're referring to mind and soul, you'll need to change "it" to "they" in the third line.
On and on they dig
For this, I will never forgive
I know somewhere my exit exists
I will make it to the gate, I will persist.
I wasn't certain where this was going to lead (which is part of its mystery). So I'm happy the resolve is to fight and survive. Because the previous verse expounded on mining, do you need the first line here? Is it a bit redundant? As it's inferred that miners dig as deeply as they can before a concave or resources are depleted. How would it read without the first line coming in from the previous verse? What if you replaced "know somewhere" with "believe"? If you want to emphasize "I will persist" I would recommend it being the final line under "I will make it to the gate".
After reading you for the past two years, I can tell this was an earlier piece. Yet, you still maintain your strength and resolve to survive whatever life or circumstance throws at you. And it shows through your writes. That part has not changed. I would recommend revisiting this in your current stage of development, and seeing how it could be revised to both tighten up the point and emphasize the hope that prevails in the end.
Brenda, I appreciate you participating in this series. It was an honor to critique your poem.
thank you Sage One for such an in depth critique on my poem I will digest what you've said and reply properly.. I deeply appreciate you critiquing one of my first writes here.. I don't rhyme anymore oddly enough at the time my mind was so disorganized that I spoke in rhyme as well..
xo Brenda
xo Brenda
this is a way early one of mine from 2011 I would love for it to be critiqued
Fractured Mind
Fractured mind, fractured soul
Inside me, outside me
They dig my hole.
I'm wondering how you could emphasize this more. I like the inference that your thoughts (mind) and soul (spirit) can dig your hole in times of uncertainty and doubt. Especially when in conflict with each other. The segments seem a bit fractured and I'm thinking it could be more cohesive in its flow.
1. I understand the first stanza seems a bit fractured.
I'm no sure how I could emphasize the feeling more at this point.
You've left me questioning.
Who are these people?
I don't know
Always digging deeper
Into my fragile soul.
This stanza flows so much better and doesn't present the reader with such a jutted ride. It wasn't until this verse that I realized you may be referring to actual people outside you rather than thoughts coming from the outside.
2. Yes I was very paranoid at the time and referring to actual people.
Who are you?
They prod and pick
Ever deeper
Until I get sick.
This verse reflects the twisting questions that come at us like bullets, leaving holes in the resolve of what we thought we knew. Opening up seals of history to bleed them out - causing us to face what we wanted to forget. I would suggest quotation marks or italicizing the first line of this - that way the reader immediately knows it's a quote, and not directed at them.
3. I see how that seems to be questioning the reader instead of myself.
Into the abyss they drag me
I've fought so hard
But with knives of steel they carve me.
No ambiguity here. We often feel bruised and cut up when dealing with negative thoughts (ours or others). I'm thinking a bit of syntax revision on this one would work wonders. How could you say this differently?
4. I'm not sure how I would say it differently.
Out numbered, outwitted
They know I know
So with a straight jacket
I'm outfitted.
That surrendering moment when you know you're outnumbered. I really like the alliteration of both the first and second line. And, I really like the enveloped use of 'outfitted' in the final. However, I'm having a difficult time with the third line. Though a necessary element, I feel, once again, that the syntax could be rearranged for a smoother flow of the stanza as a whole.
5. This is very odd while breaking down the poem with you I was transported to that time.
When I kind of gave up.
Chaining me training me not to see
Who to tell?
Who would believe?
This reflects the desperation of hope wanting to survive, to reach for light and be pulled out. The first line seems a run on to me, and I would suggest either separating between me and training, or inserting a comma after me. Although, in desperation many people do run on sentences so the run-on could also reflect that mindset. Who to tell who would believe indeed. Those flickering questions of hope refusing to give up.
6. Yes a comma is needed there.
However this was coming from a very disorganized mind and I think the poem as a whole reflects that.
Are they Mason's, demons?
Or both of the above
I didn't ask for the hole they've dug.
Considering you've already asked who they were - I feel this is redundant despite a clear vision of who they could be. I'm wondering if this stanza is needed to make your point? It seems to back space somewhat, causing the reader to pause from the flow they'd just picked up. I'm wondering if this stanza could be incorporated with another, say the second?
7. I guess in this stanza I was reaching for straws.
trying to answer my own question about who they are.
Into my fractured mind, fractured soul
They continue to mine
As if it were coal.
8. Yes good eye.
They is needed as I'm referring to both the soul and mind.
This resumes the experience. Do you need fractured twice in the first line? Since you're referring to mind and soul, you'll need to change "it" to "they" in the third line.
On and on they dig
For this, I will never forgive
I know somewhere my exit exists
I will make it to the gate, I will persist.
I wasn't certain where this was going to lead (which is part of its mystery). So I'm happy the resolve is to fight and survive. Because the previous verse expounded on mining, do you need the first line here? Is it a bit redundant? As it's inferred that miners dig as deeply as they can before a concave or resources are depleted. How would it read without the first line coming in from the previous verse? What if you replaced "know somewhere" with "believe"? If you want to emphasize "I will persist" I would recommend it being the final line under "I will make it to the gate".
9. To be sure when writing this I had no idea where this was going or even where it came from.
To this day I'm unsure what compelled me to write.
Other than a deep and powerful anxiety that demanded I write or explode.
Thank you dearest Sage One for such a fantastic critique that has me thinking
xo Brenda
Fractured Mind
Fractured mind, fractured soul
Inside me, outside me
They dig my hole.
I'm wondering how you could emphasize this more. I like the inference that your thoughts (mind) and soul (spirit) can dig your hole in times of uncertainty and doubt. Especially when in conflict with each other. The segments seem a bit fractured and I'm thinking it could be more cohesive in its flow.
1. I understand the first stanza seems a bit fractured.
I'm no sure how I could emphasize the feeling more at this point.
You've left me questioning.
Who are these people?
I don't know
Always digging deeper
Into my fragile soul.
This stanza flows so much better and doesn't present the reader with such a jutted ride. It wasn't until this verse that I realized you may be referring to actual people outside you rather than thoughts coming from the outside.
2. Yes I was very paranoid at the time and referring to actual people.
Who are you?
They prod and pick
Ever deeper
Until I get sick.
This verse reflects the twisting questions that come at us like bullets, leaving holes in the resolve of what we thought we knew. Opening up seals of history to bleed them out - causing us to face what we wanted to forget. I would suggest quotation marks or italicizing the first line of this - that way the reader immediately knows it's a quote, and not directed at them.
3. I see how that seems to be questioning the reader instead of myself.
Into the abyss they drag me
I've fought so hard
But with knives of steel they carve me.
No ambiguity here. We often feel bruised and cut up when dealing with negative thoughts (ours or others). I'm thinking a bit of syntax revision on this one would work wonders. How could you say this differently?
4. I'm not sure how I would say it differently.
Out numbered, outwitted
They know I know
So with a straight jacket
I'm outfitted.
That surrendering moment when you know you're outnumbered. I really like the alliteration of both the first and second line. And, I really like the enveloped use of 'outfitted' in the final. However, I'm having a difficult time with the third line. Though a necessary element, I feel, once again, that the syntax could be rearranged for a smoother flow of the stanza as a whole.
5. This is very odd while breaking down the poem with you I was transported to that time.
When I kind of gave up.
Chaining me training me not to see
Who to tell?
Who would believe?
This reflects the desperation of hope wanting to survive, to reach for light and be pulled out. The first line seems a run on to me, and I would suggest either separating between me and training, or inserting a comma after me. Although, in desperation many people do run on sentences so the run-on could also reflect that mindset. Who to tell who would believe indeed. Those flickering questions of hope refusing to give up.
6. Yes a comma is needed there.
However this was coming from a very disorganized mind and I think the poem as a whole reflects that.
Are they Mason's, demons?
Or both of the above
I didn't ask for the hole they've dug.
Considering you've already asked who they were - I feel this is redundant despite a clear vision of who they could be. I'm wondering if this stanza is needed to make your point? It seems to back space somewhat, causing the reader to pause from the flow they'd just picked up. I'm wondering if this stanza could be incorporated with another, say the second?
7. I guess in this stanza I was reaching for straws.
trying to answer my own question about who they are.
Into my fractured mind, fractured soul
They continue to mine
As if it were coal.
8. Yes good eye.
They is needed as I'm referring to both the soul and mind.
This resumes the experience. Do you need fractured twice in the first line? Since you're referring to mind and soul, you'll need to change "it" to "they" in the third line.
On and on they dig
For this, I will never forgive
I know somewhere my exit exists
I will make it to the gate, I will persist.
I wasn't certain where this was going to lead (which is part of its mystery). So I'm happy the resolve is to fight and survive. Because the previous verse expounded on mining, do you need the first line here? Is it a bit redundant? As it's inferred that miners dig as deeply as they can before a concave or resources are depleted. How would it read without the first line coming in from the previous verse? What if you replaced "know somewhere" with "believe"? If you want to emphasize "I will persist" I would recommend it being the final line under "I will make it to the gate".
9. To be sure when writing this I had no idea where this was going or even where it came from.
To this day I'm unsure what compelled me to write.
Other than a deep and powerful anxiety that demanded I write or explode.
Thank you dearest Sage One for such a fantastic critique that has me thinking
xo Brenda
Anonymous
crimsin said:
here is a free verse poem I wrote that I would love to be critiqued if you didn't care to critique my rhyming poem.. it would be deeply appreciated
Truth In Nonsense
butane eyes belie
the truth in your excrement
smeared on the walls of my mind
slithers on the wind
slimy of hand and heart
chemically addicted gnat
acidic angel with wire hair
blood flows from a drunk carpet
absorbing corruption
cigarette smoking a human
exhaling the ashy soul
the tobacco coughs up a turd
the welfare check talks back
children ringing off the hook
go unnoticed playing off key notes
river of stone
flowing nonsense
from it's garaged nose
housing a white woman
virgin whore
whose skin is snow
black of day
kisses the tarmac
ears to an empty computer
talking walls
don't listen to the ramblings
of a guitar string that has snapped
Crimsin, a poem without any rhyme or reason such as this is exempt from critique in my book.
here is a free verse poem I wrote that I would love to be critiqued if you didn't care to critique my rhyming poem.. it would be deeply appreciated
Truth In Nonsense
butane eyes belie
the truth in your excrement
smeared on the walls of my mind
slithers on the wind
slimy of hand and heart
chemically addicted gnat
acidic angel with wire hair
blood flows from a drunk carpet
absorbing corruption
cigarette smoking a human
exhaling the ashy soul
the tobacco coughs up a turd
the welfare check talks back
children ringing off the hook
go unnoticed playing off key notes
river of stone
flowing nonsense
from it's garaged nose
housing a white woman
virgin whore
whose skin is snow
black of day
kisses the tarmac
ears to an empty computer
talking walls
don't listen to the ramblings
of a guitar string that has snapped
Crimsin, a poem without any rhyme or reason such as this is exempt from critique in my book.
Anonymous
crimsin said:this is a way early one of mine from 2011 I would love for it to be critiqued
Fractured Mind
Fractured mind, fractured soul
Inside me, outside me
They dig my hole.
Who are these people?
I don't know
Always digging deeper
Into my fragile soul.
Who are you?
They prod and pick
Ever deeper
Until I get sick.
Into the abyss they drag me
I've fought so hard
But with knives of steel they carve me.
Out numbered, outwitted
They know I know
So with a straight jacket
I'm outfitted.
Chaining me training me not to see
Who to tell?
Who would believe?
Are they Mason's, demons?
Or both of the above
I didn't ask for the hole they've dug.
Into my fractured mind, fractured soul
They continue to mine
As if it were coal.
On and on they dig
For this, I will never forgive
I know somewhere my exit exists
I will make it to the gate, I will persist.
This poem suffers from redundancy in the words utilized.
The remedy would simply be to rewrite it using each word sparingly, from "fractured" to "I".
Fractured Mind
Fractured mind, fractured soul
Inside me, outside me
They dig my hole.
Who are these people?
I don't know
Always digging deeper
Into my fragile soul.
Who are you?
They prod and pick
Ever deeper
Until I get sick.
Into the abyss they drag me
I've fought so hard
But with knives of steel they carve me.
Out numbered, outwitted
They know I know
So with a straight jacket
I'm outfitted.
Chaining me training me not to see
Who to tell?
Who would believe?
Are they Mason's, demons?
Or both of the above
I didn't ask for the hole they've dug.
Into my fractured mind, fractured soul
They continue to mine
As if it were coal.
On and on they dig
For this, I will never forgive
I know somewhere my exit exists
I will make it to the gate, I will persist.
This poem suffers from redundancy in the words utilized.
The remedy would simply be to rewrite it using each word sparingly, from "fractured" to "I".
Anonymous
crimsin said:
thank you for taking a minute on my poem.
Crimsin, it takes time and focus to do an indepth critique. I would gladly provide such - for a modern write.
You've been writing poetry for at least 6 years, because that is how old Fractured Mind is.
Surely your poetry skills have evolved in 6 years and you could revise this poem within a matter of minutes.
Do this and the wording of the poem would reflect your current writing abilities.
Do you want me to critique the work of The Old Crimsin or The New Crimson?
I might as well go into Kexby's profile and critique a poem he wrote 80 years ago.
thank you for taking a minute on my poem.
Crimsin, it takes time and focus to do an indepth critique. I would gladly provide such - for a modern write.
You've been writing poetry for at least 6 years, because that is how old Fractured Mind is.
Surely your poetry skills have evolved in 6 years and you could revise this poem within a matter of minutes.
Do this and the wording of the poem would reflect your current writing abilities.
Do you want me to critique the work of The Old Crimsin or The New Crimson?
I might as well go into Kexby's profile and critique a poem he wrote 80 years ago.
Anonymous
crimsin said:
It has reason I suppose you just don't see it.
What I see with Truth in Nonsense is a series of somewhat to full blown absurd statements meant for the reader to absorb, mentally explore and embrace or reject the freshly experienced reality of.
I see no area for improvement in such a poem, unless you are dissatisfied with it and want to divulge the "reason" for your dissatisfaction.
It has reason I suppose you just don't see it.
What I see with Truth in Nonsense is a series of somewhat to full blown absurd statements meant for the reader to absorb, mentally explore and embrace or reject the freshly experienced reality of.
I see no area for improvement in such a poem, unless you are dissatisfied with it and want to divulge the "reason" for your dissatisfaction.
Hello Johnny I see your point here is one of mine from October that I would love your critique on..
Yearn At Midnight
I feel you tender soul
vulnerable in your darkness
you wear it like midnight
to keep out the sideshow leers
you're not for their consumption
though I know they pick at you
like carrion do a fresh carcass
I weep in the cold steel rain
cross deserts to reach you
I've cast my lot
I will walk this journey along side you
quietly so as not to disturb the restless spirits
the ones that rattle your bones
when the bottle is empty
the silent time when ghosts scream in whispers
my magic is pure
it will lighten the burden
of a skin that yearns
I'm like a mellow whiskey
I'll take off the edge
relieve your ache
wrap my poetic legs round you
spill your ink deep inside me
let's fuck the demons dead
Yearn At Midnight
I feel you tender soul
vulnerable in your darkness
you wear it like midnight
to keep out the sideshow leers
you're not for their consumption
though I know they pick at you
like carrion do a fresh carcass
I weep in the cold steel rain
cross deserts to reach you
I've cast my lot
I will walk this journey along side you
quietly so as not to disturb the restless spirits
the ones that rattle your bones
when the bottle is empty
the silent time when ghosts scream in whispers
my magic is pure
it will lighten the burden
of a skin that yearns
I'm like a mellow whiskey
I'll take off the edge
relieve your ache
wrap my poetic legs round you
spill your ink deep inside me
let's fuck the demons dead
Anonymous
crimsin said:Hello Johnny I see your point here is one of mine from October that I would love your critique on..
Yearn At Midnight
I feel you tender soul
vulnerable in your darkness
you wear it like midnight
to keep out the sideshow leers
you're not for their consumption
though I know they pick at you
like carrion do a fresh carcass
I weep in the cold steel rain
cross deserts to reach you
I've cast my lot
I will walk this journey along side you
quietly so as not to disturb the restless spirits
the ones that rattle your bones
when the bottle is empty
the silent time when ghosts scream in whispers
my magic is pure
it will lighten the burden
of a skin that yearns
I'm like a mellow whiskey
I'll take off the edge
relieve your ache
wrap my poetic legs round you
spill your ink deep inside me
let's fuck the demons dead
Now, THIS poem was written by someone with focus and efficiency with her words. It does its job of communicating clearly what is happening from start to finish.
These two lines
I weep in the cold steel rain
cross deserts to reach you
do a good job of reinforcing the harshness of the surrounding world you are trying to convey.
These two lines
though I know they pick at you
like carrion do a fresh carcass
could use revision, only because we have the capacity to make it through an entire poem without resorting to the word "like".
Those fresh carcass pickers - are they carrion OR are they only like carrion?
I Was A Teenage Werewolf VERSUS I Was Like A Teenage Werewolf.
Which title has more impact? The answer is obvious. So, If you want that impact, then find a way to purge "like" from the equation.
Yearn At Midnight
I feel you tender soul
vulnerable in your darkness
you wear it like midnight
to keep out the sideshow leers
you're not for their consumption
though I know they pick at you
like carrion do a fresh carcass
I weep in the cold steel rain
cross deserts to reach you
I've cast my lot
I will walk this journey along side you
quietly so as not to disturb the restless spirits
the ones that rattle your bones
when the bottle is empty
the silent time when ghosts scream in whispers
my magic is pure
it will lighten the burden
of a skin that yearns
I'm like a mellow whiskey
I'll take off the edge
relieve your ache
wrap my poetic legs round you
spill your ink deep inside me
let's fuck the demons dead
Now, THIS poem was written by someone with focus and efficiency with her words. It does its job of communicating clearly what is happening from start to finish.
These two lines
I weep in the cold steel rain
cross deserts to reach you
do a good job of reinforcing the harshness of the surrounding world you are trying to convey.
These two lines
though I know they pick at you
like carrion do a fresh carcass
could use revision, only because we have the capacity to make it through an entire poem without resorting to the word "like".
Those fresh carcass pickers - are they carrion OR are they only like carrion?
I Was A Teenage Werewolf VERSUS I Was Like A Teenage Werewolf.
Which title has more impact? The answer is obvious. So, If you want that impact, then find a way to purge "like" from the equation.
Jadey, this i gotta learn. i read poems everyday and also comments below it.. there are poems that have great comments saying this and that, good imagery etc.. beautiful etc... but i cant comment because truthfully, i failed to see what they see. no imagery was jumping out of the words and i meant that to be a criticism on myself because, i think, it is my comprehension that is inadequate.
OxyMoronicMe said:Jadey, this i gotta learn. i read poems everyday and also comments below it.. there are poems that have great comments saying this and that, good imagery etc.. beautiful etc... but i cant comment because truthfully, i failed to see what they see. no imagery was jumping out of the words and i meant that to be a criticism on myself because, i think, it is my comprehension that is inadequate.
I disagree your comprehension is inadequate. We are unique individuals with our own preferences, be they in music, poetry, movies, even clothing and food. Art speaks to those who connect with it. Because you didn't connect with a particular piece of poetry doesn't mean you're inadequate. It simply means you didn't connect with that particular piece.
Brenda, I'm on your response as soon as I have adequate time to singularly focus.
I disagree your comprehension is inadequate. We are unique individuals with our own preferences, be they in music, poetry, movies, even clothing and food. Art speaks to those who connect with it. Because you didn't connect with a particular piece of poetry doesn't mean you're inadequate. It simply means you didn't connect with that particular piece.
Brenda, I'm on your response as soon as I have adequate time to singularly focus.
