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~ Critique Series ~

poet
paperstains
Twisted Dreamer
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Joined 7th May 2017
Forum Posts: 34

JohnnyBlaze said:
Black and white clarity
in a world bloated
by rainbows coddled
in an incontinence
of confection's force   <- apostrophe added
fed by advertising men  
focused on finagling  
feelings till we buy big.

-------------------------------------------------

Pulling down the periwinkle  
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bared
as soft mounds of snow. <- "like" replaced


I agree with many of the changes you made, and appreciate the additional white space, which adds to ease of reading and understanding.

There are two places where I disagree enough to mention.

"in an incontinence
of confection's force   <- apostrophe added
fed by advertising men"

The way that I read this, there is no need for an apostrophe. The phrasing that I'm interpreting is "an incontinence of confections" [that are being] "force fed by advertising men". My suggestion: drop force to the next line and hyphenate "force-fed".


"Pulling down the periwinkle  
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bared
as soft mounds of snow. <- "like" replaced"

Small personal preference here for leaving shoulders "bare" rather than "bared". I don't think of soft mounds of snow as something one uncovers.

In both cases, I think either suggestion works, and I wanted to add mine to the mix.

I always enjoy reading your critiques.

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 644

paperstains said:

I agree with many of the changes you made, and appreciate the additional white space, which adds to ease of reading and understanding.

There are two places where I disagree enough to mention.

"in an incontinence
of confection's force   <- apostrophe added
fed by advertising men"

The way that I read this, there is no need for an apostrophe. The phrasing that I'm interpreting is "an incontinence of confections" [that are being] "force fed by advertising men". My suggestion: drop force to the next line and hyphenate "force-fed".


"Pulling down the periwinkle  
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bared
as soft mounds of snow. <- "like" replaced"

Small personal preference here for leaving shoulders "bare" rather than "bared". I don't think of soft mounds of snow as something one uncovers.

In both cases, I think either suggestion works, and I wanted to add mine to the mix.

I always enjoy reading your critiques.


More discerning eyes on a poem can only benefit the writer.

poet
Quill-in-Heart
Tony Pena
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 6th Dec 2012
Forum Posts: 1037

Thank you, Johnny. I appreciate your insight !

poet
Quill-in-Heart
Tony Pena
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 6th Dec 2012
Forum Posts: 1037

I appreciate it, Paperstains !

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JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 644

Quill-in-Heart said:Thank you, Johnny. I appreciate your insight !

You are welcome.

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JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 644

Unmeasurable Things (Competition: The Infinity Waltz)

Unmeasurable Things

Time, space, temporal placement
Most of us are mono-present
  We think we know what it all means
  Our philosophy is very deep, it seems,
but when we learn we find concern
in the truth that we are actually ignorant

Infinity has no limit or borders
So it does not fit any of our paradigms
In time, infinity goes beyond forever
So the beginning and end are not defined

The concepts we brew are probably somewhat true
in some aspect of the idea,
but just when we think we understand the subject at hand,
we learn there is more to its mens rea

In space, infinity is wherever we are
If we could only wrap our minds around that,
instead of always trying to find peace of mind
in the places where it seems it's greener at

We speak of infinity, but know nothing
Though our words are often the least of our strength
If I were to define infinity as one thing,
I would call it an unending length


Tim Eros
170108a
Written by TimEros (Tim Eros)
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Poet of the Week Honest Critique

The poem our Poet of the TimEros has selected for critique was a competition entry meant to describe the concept of "infinity".

I have many concerns about the poem.

[A]  Two concepts are introduced that require a trip to the dictionary - "mono-present" and "mens rea".

"mono-present" is a mashup of words. Without a definition, the reader is left to speculate what it means. To say "Most of us are mono-present " renders the entire statement useless.

And "mens rea", meaning the intention or knowledge of wrongdoing that constitutes part of a crime, as opposed to the action or conduct of the accused is a legal term that serves no purpose in the poem.

These terms, for the betterment of the poem, need to be replaced or removed.

[B] Line 9 "In time, infinity goes beyond forever" isn't saying anything because  Merriam Webster is but one dictionary listing foreverness as a synonym for infinity.

[C] Line 8 "So it does not fit any of our paradigms" contradicts the entire poem's attempt to define "infinity". If anyone can define infinity, then anyone can incorporate that definition into a personal paradigm.

[D]Line 7 and 10 contradict each other. If infinity has no limits or borders, then it has no ending or beginning to define.

[E]  Aside from the attempt to describe what "infinity is", the general statement being made is that humans are rather ignorant when it comes to understanding the universe they occupy. And it states this rather bluntly and blandly.

So, we have two poems happening here.

I have taken the liberty of italicizing the describing and bold texting the statement.




Unmeasurable Things

Time, space, temporal placement
Most of us are mono-present
We think we know what it all means
Our philosophy is very deep, it seems,
but when we learn we find concern
in the truth that we are actually ignorant


Infinity has no limit or borders
So it does not fit any of our paradigms
In time, infinity goes beyond forever
So the beginning and end are not defined

The concepts we brew are probably somewhat true
in some aspect of the idea,
but just when we think we understand the subject at hand,
we learn there is more to its
 mens rea

In space, infinity is wherever we are
If we could only wrap our minds around that,
instead of always trying to find peace of mind
in the places where it seems it's greener at


We speak of infinity, but know nothing  
Though our words are often the least of our strength
If I were to define infinity as one thing,
I would call it an unending length





Let us better organize these two  poems.



Unmeasurable Things

Time, space, temporal placemen
We think we know what it all means
Our philosophy is very deep, it seems,  
We speak of infinity, but know nothing
but when we learn we find concern  
in the truth that we are actually ignorant
The concepts we brew are probably somewhat true  
in some aspect of the idea,  
but just when we think we understand the subject at hand,  
we learn there is more to its
If we could only wrap our minds around that,  
instead of always trying to find peace of mind  
in the places where it seems it's greener at


Infinity has no limit or borders
In space, infinity is wherever we are  
Though our words are often the least of our strength
If I were to define infinity as one thing,
I would call it an unending length



Let us get to heart of what is being said in each poem.




Time, space, temporal placemen
We think we know what it all means
Our philosophy is very deep, it seems,  
We speak of infinity, but know nothing
but when we learn we find concern  
in the truth that we are actually ignorant
The concepts we brew are probably somewhat true  
in some aspect of the idea,  
but just when we think we understand the subject at hand,  
we learn there is more to its
If we could only wrap our minds around that,  
instead of always trying to find peace of mind  
in the places where it seems it's greener at

What little we know of the universe
could bring us more peace of mind
than any greener grass
on the other side of the fence
if we just embraced our own ignorance


Infinity has no limit or borders
In space, infinity is wherever we are  
Though our words are often the least of our strength
If I were to define infinity as one thing,
I would call it an unending length

Words being my weakest link
I would define "infinity" as
wherever we are
in a length without end




Let us create one cohesive poem out of our separate condensed versions.



Unmeasurable Things

Words being my weakest link
I would define "infinity" as
wherever we are
in a length of chain
without beginning or end

What little we know of the universe
could bring us more peace of mind
than any greener grass
on the other side of the fence
if we just embraced
our own ignorance
enslaving us in shackles  



TimEros, thank you for allowing me to Honestly Critique your poem.  






poet
Poem-Worm
Poetry Worm
Guardian of Shadows
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Joined 1st Nov 2016
Forum Posts: 323

Thank you for another Honest Critique, Johnny. We appreciate your time and dedication to the Poet of the Week Features and DUP.

poet
Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 1159

Johnny and I are so excited and can't wait to see you there!

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/9759/

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 644

Ahavati said:Johnny and I are so excited and can't wait to see you there!

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/9759/


Yes, be sure to sign up even if you are hesitant to participate. You can wait on the sidelines until you feel ready to jump in the game with either a poem you need help with or an insightful critique. Or both.

The great twelveoone, God rest his soul, brought me to the mountain top and taught me the RULE OF THREE:

when 3 or more poets say your poem is in dire straights, then it would behoove you to heed their consensus.

DU Group "Honestly Crafted Critique" is going to be a Group Effort. The larger the group, the more help for individuals.

poet
Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 1159

JohnnyBlaze said:

The great twelveoone, God rest his soul, brought me to the mountain top and taught me the RULE OF THREE:



As instructed, I have THREE in place tonight to summon the great twelveoone unto us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNAU0VLFDy4

poet
Ahavati
Tyrant of Words
United States
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Joined 11th Apr 2015
Forum Posts: 1159


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JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 644


poet
Jfj
Strange Creature
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Joined 4th Aug 2017
Forum Posts: 1

Hi and sorry to hijack a thread .
I am unsure where I should be posting but I am looking for some help.

I have written a poem for the first time and I am far from a "poet"
It is a poem for my nans funeral and I am wondering if any body could tidy it up for me.
I know it is all over the place and probably doesn't   make sense, My grammar and spelling is also terrible.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.  

Nanny reene you will be missed
Them Sunday mornings where oh so bliss
And all the time we spent with you,
Where full of joy and comfort too.

Often you spoke just what you thought and sometimes this was sharp
But We know it come from deep with in the bottom of your heart
You was dealt the rocky road of life and went out with a smile, although this made you tough some times if only for a while.
You handled pain and sorrow with the minimal of fuss because all along your main priority was giving us  your love

Ther is a lot more we could say on this sad and empty day,
But I'm sure if you had your way we would be full of joy and laughter
with your arms wrapped around saving all the hugs  for after.
So we will do just what you want and go and have a some fun remembering all the good times with our nan and mum.







poet
PsycoticMastermind
Thought Provoker
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 148

Jfj said:Hi and sorry to hijack a thread .
I am unsure where I should be posting but I am looking for some help.

I have written a poem for the first time and I am far from a "poet"
It is a poem for my nans funeral and I am wondering if any body could tidy it up for me.
I know it is all over the place and probably doesn't   make sense, My grammar and spelling is also terrible.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.  

Nanny reene you will be missed
Them Sunday mornings where oh so bliss
And all the time we spent with you,
Where full of joy and comfort too.

Often you spoke just what you thought and sometimes this was sharp
But We know it come from deep with in the bottom of your heart
You was dealt the rocky road of life and went out with a smile, although this made you tough some times if only for a while.
You handled pain and sorrow with the minimal of fuss because all along your main priority was giving us  your love

Ther is a lot more we could say on this sad and empty day,
But I'm sure if you had your way we would be full of joy and laughter
with your arms wrapped around saving all the hugs  for after.
So we will do just what you want and go and have a some fun remembering all the good times with our nan and mum.








This thread is no longer in service, my Friend.

A new critique "group" was just launched last week.  You can access it,  join to become a member and post your poem in a New Post at this address:

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/honestly-crafted-critique/discussion/

Be sure to read the Guidelines and read a few of the critiques to get an understanding of how the process works.







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