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~ Critique Series ~

poet
paperstains
Twisted Dreamer
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Joined 7th May 2017
Forum Posts: 11

JohnnyBlaze said:
Black and white clarity
in a world bloated
by rainbows coddled
in an incontinence
of confection's force   <- apostrophe added
fed by advertising men  
focused on finagling  
feelings till we buy big.

-------------------------------------------------

Pulling down the periwinkle  
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bared
as soft mounds of snow. <- "like" replaced


I agree with many of the changes you made, and appreciate the additional white space, which adds to ease of reading and understanding.

There are two places where I disagree enough to mention.

"in an incontinence
of confection's force   <- apostrophe added
fed by advertising men"

The way that I read this, there is no need for an apostrophe. The phrasing that I'm interpreting is "an incontinence of confections" [that are being] "force fed by advertising men". My suggestion: drop force to the next line and hyphenate "force-fed".


"Pulling down the periwinkle  
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bared
as soft mounds of snow. <- "like" replaced"

Small personal preference here for leaving shoulders "bare" rather than "bared". I don't think of soft mounds of snow as something one uncovers.

In both cases, I think either suggestion works, and I wanted to add mine to the mix.

I always enjoy reading your critiques.

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 599

paperstains said:

I agree with many of the changes you made, and appreciate the additional white space, which adds to ease of reading and understanding.

There are two places where I disagree enough to mention.

"in an incontinence
of confection's force   <- apostrophe added
fed by advertising men"

The way that I read this, there is no need for an apostrophe. The phrasing that I'm interpreting is "an incontinence of confections" [that are being] "force fed by advertising men". My suggestion: drop force to the next line and hyphenate "force-fed".


"Pulling down the periwinkle  
blue straps of your negligée
leaving your shoulders bared
as soft mounds of snow. <- "like" replaced"

Small personal preference here for leaving shoulders "bare" rather than "bared". I don't think of soft mounds of snow as something one uncovers.

In both cases, I think either suggestion works, and I wanted to add mine to the mix.

I always enjoy reading your critiques.


More discerning eyes on a poem can only benefit the writer.

poet
Quill-in-Heart
Tony Pena
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 6th Dec 2012
Forum Posts: 1037

Thank you, Johnny. I appreciate your insight !

poet
Quill-in-Heart
Tony Pena
Fire of Insight
United States
11awards   profile   poems   message
Joined 6th Dec 2012
Forum Posts: 1037

I appreciate it, Paperstains !

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 599

Quill-in-Heart said:Thank you, Johnny. I appreciate your insight !

You are welcome.

poet
JohnnyBlaze
Fire of Insight
United States
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Joined 20th Mar 2015
Forum Posts: 599

Unmeasurable Things (Competition: The Infinity Waltz)

Unmeasurable Things

Time, space, temporal placement
Most of us are mono-present
  We think we know what it all means
  Our philosophy is very deep, it seems,
but when we learn we find concern
in the truth that we are actually ignorant

Infinity has no limit or borders
So it does not fit any of our paradigms
In time, infinity goes beyond forever
So the beginning and end are not defined

The concepts we brew are probably somewhat true
in some aspect of the idea,
but just when we think we understand the subject at hand,
we learn there is more to its mens rea

In space, infinity is wherever we are
If we could only wrap our minds around that,
instead of always trying to find peace of mind
in the places where it seems it's greener at

We speak of infinity, but know nothing
Though our words are often the least of our strength
If I were to define infinity as one thing,
I would call it an unending length


Tim Eros
170108a
Written by TimEros (Tim Eros)
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Poet of the Week Honest Critique

The poem our Poet of the TimEros has selected for critique was a competition entry meant to describe the concept of "infinity".

I have many concerns about the poem.

[A]  Two concepts are introduced that require a trip to the dictionary - "mono-present" and "mens rea".

"mono-present" is a mashup of words. Without a definition, the reader is left to speculate what it means. To say "Most of us are mono-present " renders the entire statement useless.

And "mens rea", meaning the intention or knowledge of wrongdoing that constitutes part of a crime, as opposed to the action or conduct of the accused is a legal term that serves no purpose in the poem.

These terms, for the betterment of the poem, need to be replaced or removed.

[B] Line 9 "In time, infinity goes beyond forever" isn't saying anything because  Merriam Webster is but one dictionary listing foreverness as a synonym for infinity.

[C] Line 8 "So it does not fit any of our paradigms" contradicts the entire poem's attempt to define "infinity". If anyone can define infinity, then anyone can incorporate that definition into a personal paradigm.

[D]Line 7 and 10 contradict each other. If infinity has no limits or borders, then it has no ending or beginning to define.

[E]  Aside from the attempt to describe what "infinity is", the general statement being made is that humans are rather ignorant when it comes to understanding the universe they occupy. And it states this rather bluntly and blandly.

So, we have two poems happening here.

I have taken the liberty of italicizing the describing and bold texting the statement.




Unmeasurable Things

Time, space, temporal placement
Most of us are mono-present
We think we know what it all means
Our philosophy is very deep, it seems,
but when we learn we find concern
in the truth that we are actually ignorant


Infinity has no limit or borders
So it does not fit any of our paradigms
In time, infinity goes beyond forever
So the beginning and end are not defined

The concepts we brew are probably somewhat true
in some aspect of the idea,
but just when we think we understand the subject at hand,
we learn there is more to its
 mens rea

In space, infinity is wherever we are
If we could only wrap our minds around that,
instead of always trying to find peace of mind
in the places where it seems it's greener at


We speak of infinity, but know nothing  
Though our words are often the least of our strength
If I were to define infinity as one thing,
I would call it an unending length





Let us better organize these two  poems.



Unmeasurable Things

Time, space, temporal placemen
We think we know what it all means
Our philosophy is very deep, it seems,  
We speak of infinity, but know nothing
but when we learn we find concern  
in the truth that we are actually ignorant
The concepts we brew are probably somewhat true  
in some aspect of the idea,  
but just when we think we understand the subject at hand,  
we learn there is more to its
If we could only wrap our minds around that,  
instead of always trying to find peace of mind  
in the places where it seems it's greener at


Infinity has no limit or borders
In space, infinity is wherever we are  
Though our words are often the least of our strength
If I were to define infinity as one thing,
I would call it an unending length



Let us get to heart of what is being said in each poem.




Time, space, temporal placemen
We think we know what it all means
Our philosophy is very deep, it seems,  
We speak of infinity, but know nothing
but when we learn we find concern  
in the truth that we are actually ignorant
The concepts we brew are probably somewhat true  
in some aspect of the idea,  
but just when we think we understand the subject at hand,  
we learn there is more to its
If we could only wrap our minds around that,  
instead of always trying to find peace of mind  
in the places where it seems it's greener at

What little we know of the universe
could bring us more peace of mind
than any greener grass
on the other side of the fence
if we just embraced our own ignorance


Infinity has no limit or borders
In space, infinity is wherever we are  
Though our words are often the least of our strength
If I were to define infinity as one thing,
I would call it an unending length

Words being my weakest link
I would define "infinity" as
wherever we are
in a length without end




Let us create one cohesive poem out of our separate condensed versions.



Unmeasurable Things

Words being my weakest link
I would define "infinity" as
wherever we are
in a length of chain
without beginning or end

What little we know of the universe
could bring us more peace of mind
than any greener grass
on the other side of the fence
if we just embraced
our own ignorance
enslaving us in shackles  



TimEros, thank you for allowing me to Honestly Critique your poem.  






poet
Poem-Worm
Poetry Worm
Guardian of Shadows
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Joined 1st Nov 2016
Forum Posts: 279

Thank you for another Honest Critique, Johnny. We appreciate your time and dedication to the Poet of the Week Features and DUP.

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