~ Critique Series ~
The heart of the sky
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin
A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
My hair becomes planted
in a nest of dirt and fertlizer
Grilled smoke disipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste
I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 beats per minute
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"
~
Better? I switched the final two lines in S2 to better incorporate a clearer meaning and rhyme. Also ditched hyacinths (it didn't work switched). I'll save that for NAPO!
I love how month plays off allegro.
Now for a title and she's ready to post.
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin
A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
My hair becomes planted
in a nest of dirt and fertlizer
Grilled smoke disipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste
I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 beats per minute
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"
~
Better? I switched the final two lines in S2 to better incorporate a clearer meaning and rhyme. Also ditched hyacinths (it didn't work switched). I'll save that for NAPO!
I love how month plays off allegro.
Now for a title and she's ready to post.
Anonymous
Ahavati said:The heart of the sky
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin
A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
My hair becomes planted
in a nest of dirt and fertlizer
Grilled smoke disipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste
I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 beats per minute
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"
~
Better? I switched the final two lines in S2 to better incorporate a clearer meaning and rhyme. Also ditched hyacinths (it didn't work switched). I'll save that for NAPO!
I love how month plays off allegro.
Now for a title and she's ready to post.
You could do
nested in dirt and fertilizer
You still have Rooting or I'm Rooting For Her or even I'm Rooting For April.
Or back to Laid Back.
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin
A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
My hair becomes planted
in a nest of dirt and fertlizer
Grilled smoke disipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste
I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 beats per minute
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"
~
Better? I switched the final two lines in S2 to better incorporate a clearer meaning and rhyme. Also ditched hyacinths (it didn't work switched). I'll save that for NAPO!
I love how month plays off allegro.
Now for a title and she's ready to post.
You could do
nested in dirt and fertilizer
You still have Rooting or I'm Rooting For Her or even I'm Rooting For April.
Or back to Laid Back.
The heart of the sky
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin
A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
My hair becomes nested
in dirt and fertilizer
Grilled smoke dissipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste
I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 beats per minute
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"
~
You could do
nested in dirt and fertilizer
o O! Done.
You still have Rooting or I'm Rooting For Her or even I'm Rooting For April.
Or back to Laid Back.
None of those feel right. How about "Earthen"?
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin
A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
My hair becomes nested
in dirt and fertilizer
Grilled smoke dissipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste
I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 beats per minute
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"
~
You could do
nested in dirt and fertilizer
o O! Done.
You still have Rooting or I'm Rooting For Her or even I'm Rooting For April.
Or back to Laid Back.
None of those feel right. How about "Earthen"?
I would appreciate all feedback.
Finally Aware
My past I must embrace
As experiences do mould
An uneasy education
But worth its weight in gold
I cannot ignore
Years that helped create
Regardless of the pain
Their value shall not abate
No purpose in dismissing
Who or where I’m from
A history departed
Shaping who I've become
Learning to love oneself
Not always a simple task
Looking in a mirror
Not observing a mask
Raw and exposed
Naked, completely bare
Unadorned I am me
Finally aware
Finally Aware
My past I must embrace
As experiences do mould
An uneasy education
But worth its weight in gold
I cannot ignore
Years that helped create
Regardless of the pain
Their value shall not abate
No purpose in dismissing
Who or where I’m from
A history departed
Shaping who I've become
Learning to love oneself
Not always a simple task
Looking in a mirror
Not observing a mask
Raw and exposed
Naked, completely bare
Unadorned I am me
Finally aware
Anonymous
For starters
mel44 said:I would appreciate all feedback.
Finally Aware
My past I must embrace
As experiences do mould -or- As experience does mould
An uneasy education
But worth its weight in gold
I cannot ignore
Years that helped create
Regardless of the pain
Their value shall not abate
No purpose in dismissing
Who or where I’m from
A history departed
Shaping who I've become
Learning to love oneself
Not always a simple task
Looking in a mirror
Not observing a mask
Raw and exposed
Naked, completely bare <- repetative information
Unadorned I am me
Finally aware
mel44 said:I would appreciate all feedback.
Finally Aware
My past I must embrace
As experiences do mould -or- As experience does mould
An uneasy education
But worth its weight in gold
I cannot ignore
Years that helped create
Regardless of the pain
Their value shall not abate
No purpose in dismissing
Who or where I’m from
A history departed
Shaping who I've become
Learning to love oneself
Not always a simple task
Looking in a mirror
Not observing a mask
Raw and exposed
Naked, completely bare <- repetative information
Unadorned I am me
Finally aware
My past I must embrace
As experience does mould
An uneasy education
Worth its weight in gold
I cannot ignore
Years that helped create
Regardless of the pain
Their value shall not abate
No purpose in dismissing
Who or where I'm from
A history departed
Shaping who I've become
Learning to love oneself
Not always a simple task
Looking in a mirror
Not observing a mask
Raw and exposed
Feelings hard to bear
But unadorned I am me
And finally aware
Minor edits...Thank you JB:)
As experience does mould
An uneasy education
Worth its weight in gold
I cannot ignore
Years that helped create
Regardless of the pain
Their value shall not abate
No purpose in dismissing
Who or where I'm from
A history departed
Shaping who I've become
Learning to love oneself
Not always a simple task
Looking in a mirror
Not observing a mask
Raw and exposed
Feelings hard to bear
But unadorned I am me
And finally aware
Minor edits...Thank you JB:)
Dear mel44,
I experimented with
Your poem by a process of
Fiddling around with it,
then revisiting, several times.
I am pretty sure i killed it, alas.
Thanks for putting it out there .
My years flow behind
I no longer find joy
From a mask of Hide
my past dismiss
My hard won story
My gold my glory
Becoming is no simple
Task but finally I observe
No mask just raw exposed
Naked unadorned
love of me
I experimented with
Your poem by a process of
Fiddling around with it,
then revisiting, several times.
I am pretty sure i killed it, alas.
Thanks for putting it out there .
My years flow behind
I no longer find joy
From a mask of Hide
my past dismiss
My hard won story
My gold my glory
Becoming is no simple
Task but finally I observe
No mask just raw exposed
Naked unadorned
love of me
Hi Mel, I'm not going to attempt to edit your poem, because rhyming isn't my thing and often edits can turn into a rewrite, which takes time and isn't often appreciated.
But I will challenge you to think more critically when you write your next poem, by being more aware when you're using cliches. Avoid using cliches if you can, it's kinda lazy for a poet to rely on these old phrase and images. But if you can't find another way to express your feelings, then make the cliche your own by giving it a twist. That's what creative writing is all about.
'Worth it's weight in gold...' I can think of thousands of alternative things that are heavy, beautiful and expensive.
'Shaping who I've become...' Why not think of a metaphor like a river or waves carving the shore? Try to be more poetic with your imagery.
'Looking in a mirror... observing a mask...' I'm sure I'm guilty of using these before, it's kinda a 'self improvement' slash 'the new me' poem trap.
Another observation. If you look closely at stanzas 1-4 the poem feels very repetitive in what you're expressing e.g. years, past, history, reflection, pain, learning etc. I think you could either be a lot more concise or go into more specific details into how you got to where you are today.
I challenge you to rewrite your poem not using rhyme with no set structure and limiting yourself to a maximum of 50 words, purely as a writing exercise.
I'm sorry if I've come across as being a bit harsh and critical, but I try to be honest and constructive in my feedback, so poets can improve their craft.
But I will challenge you to think more critically when you write your next poem, by being more aware when you're using cliches. Avoid using cliches if you can, it's kinda lazy for a poet to rely on these old phrase and images. But if you can't find another way to express your feelings, then make the cliche your own by giving it a twist. That's what creative writing is all about.
'Worth it's weight in gold...' I can think of thousands of alternative things that are heavy, beautiful and expensive.
'Shaping who I've become...' Why not think of a metaphor like a river or waves carving the shore? Try to be more poetic with your imagery.
'Looking in a mirror... observing a mask...' I'm sure I'm guilty of using these before, it's kinda a 'self improvement' slash 'the new me' poem trap.
Another observation. If you look closely at stanzas 1-4 the poem feels very repetitive in what you're expressing e.g. years, past, history, reflection, pain, learning etc. I think you could either be a lot more concise or go into more specific details into how you got to where you are today.
I challenge you to rewrite your poem not using rhyme with no set structure and limiting yourself to a maximum of 50 words, purely as a writing exercise.
I'm sorry if I've come across as being a bit harsh and critical, but I try to be honest and constructive in my feedback, so poets can improve their craft.
Anonymous
Where Her Passion Lies
She wore herself down until
she was almost invisible
and every time you blinked
you had to go find her again
She was like a wide spread pool
over every temperament and idea
and each time you thought you were
prying deeper you felt this rush of adrenaline
and out of the anticipation
you dove in head first
soon aware of the danger of the shallowness
that was just beneath
your plunging head
so you clenched your eyes
and embraced for contact
to another dead end.
and you woke up to find yourself
floating in undiscovered and unexplored places
of she who you thought brought clarity
and now you’re addicted to this puzzle
who is the most distorted of masterpieces
you think you can try to solve
but once you latch two pieces together
and they seem to envelop and encompass one another
you try to expedite your venture
the same speed that she’s changing
the course of the game.
and when one piece holds
one lets go, and it will never be apt again.
So you wade in the shallow pools of her thoughts
looking over the broad scape of allusion and reflection
not knowing where to start
and losing hope that there might be
one pool deeper than what you’ve discovered before
you spend your nights staring blankly
at the unseeable abyss of her mind
daydreaming of begging for breath
because you finally could descend farther
than your lungs can hold oxygen
Daydreaming that maybe drowning is worth the risk
of possibly discovering where her passion is
and the reason of why its sunk so far
and the monster that bounds and anchors it
more frightening than she cares to admit.
she was almost invisible
and every time you blinked
you had to go find her again
She was like a wide spread pool
over every temperament and idea
and each time you thought you were
prying deeper you felt this rush of adrenaline
and out of the anticipation
you dove in head first
soon aware of the danger of the shallowness
that was just beneath
your plunging head
so you clenched your eyes
and embraced for contact
to another dead end.
and you woke up to find yourself
floating in undiscovered and unexplored places
of she who you thought brought clarity
and now you’re addicted to this puzzle
who is the most distorted of masterpieces
you think you can try to solve
but once you latch two pieces together
and they seem to envelop and encompass one another
you try to expedite your venture
the same speed that she’s changing
the course of the game.
and when one piece holds
one lets go, and it will never be apt again.
So you wade in the shallow pools of her thoughts
looking over the broad scape of allusion and reflection
not knowing where to start
and losing hope that there might be
one pool deeper than what you’ve discovered before
you spend your nights staring blankly
at the unseeable abyss of her mind
daydreaming of begging for breath
because you finally could descend farther
than your lungs can hold oxygen
Daydreaming that maybe drowning is worth the risk
of possibly discovering where her passion is
and the reason of why its sunk so far
and the monster that bounds and anchors it
more frightening than she cares to admit.
Written by Isgyppie_
(L.C. McQuillen)
Go To Page
Poet of the Week Honest Critique
The poem our Poet of the Week Isgyppie_ has selected for critique in my opinion provides both an excellent and beautiful metaphor, portraying a woman as a shallow body of water further examined with hope of revealing greater character depth and understanding as to why that dimension is kept hidden.
However, the poem suffers from an excess of wordiness which is usually habitual and thus there is likely habit at work behind the scenes that can be broken. Also, there is a second metaphor that distracts focus away from the initial regarding water.
So, I am going to remove "what I believe" is not vital the poem's survival.
Where Her Passion Lies
She wore herself down
almost invisible
every time you blinked
you had to find her again
rush adrenaline
anticipation
you dove in head first
aware of danger shallowness
just beneath
your plunging head
clenched eyes
embraced for contact
another dead end.
you woke up to find yourself
floating in undiscovered and unexplored places
and now you’re addicted to this puzzle
who is the most distorted of masterpieces
you think you can try to solve
but once you latch two pieces together
and they seem to envelop and encompass one another
you try to expedite your venture
the same speed that she’s changing
the course of the game.
and when one piece holds
one lets go, and it will never be apt again. <- entire stanza to be replaced
So you wade in shallow her
hope that there might be
deeper pools
descend farther
than lungs can hold oxygen
Daydreaming drowning worth the risk
of possibly discovering where her passion is
the reason of why its sunk so far
and the monster that bounds and anchors it
more frightening than she cares to admit.
Next, I'm going to reorganize words and lines, as well as make slight modifications to language such as tense and add "my own substitutions" to complete the story.
Where Her Passion Lies
Every time you blinked
you lost sight of
a person with dimension
for she wore herself clear
as pure ocean
In an adrenaline rush
flush with anticipation
you dove in head first
aware of danger;
shallows just beneath
your headfirst plunge
eyes clenched
braced for impact
with a dead end
only to find yourself
floating in uncharted waters
less apt to spill through your grasp <- this line replaces the entire "puzzle metaphor" stanza
descending further
into her with more hope
than oxygen;
drowning in daydreams
worth the risk of possibly
discovering her passions
why these are sunken so far
into depths unseen
illuminating whatever leviathan
more frightening than she cares to admit
keeping her heart's desires
pirated away in a chest
My alterations are only meant to shed light on the poem's potential and are not written in stone; they are also open to alteration or can be completely dismissed by the author.
Stanza 1 still conveys the same notion of her having worn herself into something less than she could actually be to the point of losing opacity, while now perpetuating the idea of her wearing a surface layer in correlation to the metaphor of her being a body of shallow water that poses more than meets the eye.
Isgyppie_, thank you for allowing me to give your poem an Honest Critique. Hopefully it gives you insight into how you can write more efficiently.
The poem our Poet of the Week Isgyppie_ has selected for critique in my opinion provides both an excellent and beautiful metaphor, portraying a woman as a shallow body of water further examined with hope of revealing greater character depth and understanding as to why that dimension is kept hidden.
However, the poem suffers from an excess of wordiness which is usually habitual and thus there is likely habit at work behind the scenes that can be broken. Also, there is a second metaphor that distracts focus away from the initial regarding water.
So, I am going to remove "what I believe" is not vital the poem's survival.
Where Her Passion Lies
She wore herself down
almost invisible
every time you blinked
you had to find her again
rush adrenaline
anticipation
you dove in head first
aware of danger shallowness
just beneath
your plunging head
clenched eyes
embraced for contact
another dead end.
you woke up to find yourself
floating in undiscovered and unexplored places
who is the most distorted of masterpieces
you think you can try to solve
but once you latch two pieces together
and they seem to envelop and encompass one another
you try to expedite your venture
the same speed that she’s changing
the course of the game.
and when one piece holds
one lets go, and it will never be apt again.
So you wade in shallow her
hope that there might be
deeper pools
descend farther
than lungs can hold oxygen
Daydreaming drowning worth the risk
of possibly discovering where her passion is
the reason of why its sunk so far
and the monster that bounds and anchors it
more frightening than she cares to admit.
Next, I'm going to reorganize words and lines, as well as make slight modifications to language such as tense and add "my own substitutions" to complete the story.
Where Her Passion Lies
Every time you blinked
you lost sight of
a person with dimension
for she wore herself clear
as pure ocean
In an adrenaline rush
flush with anticipation
you dove in head first
aware of danger;
shallows just beneath
your headfirst plunge
eyes clenched
braced for impact
with a dead end
only to find yourself
floating in uncharted waters
less apt to spill through your grasp <- this line replaces the entire "puzzle metaphor" stanza
descending further
into her with more hope
than oxygen;
drowning in daydreams
worth the risk of possibly
discovering her passions
why these are sunken so far
into depths unseen
illuminating whatever leviathan
more frightening than she cares to admit
keeping her heart's desires
pirated away in a chest
My alterations are only meant to shed light on the poem's potential and are not written in stone; they are also open to alteration or can be completely dismissed by the author.
Stanza 1 still conveys the same notion of her having worn herself into something less than she could actually be to the point of losing opacity, while now perpetuating the idea of her wearing a surface layer in correlation to the metaphor of her being a body of shallow water that poses more than meets the eye.
Isgyppie_, thank you for allowing me to give your poem an Honest Critique. Hopefully it gives you insight into how you can write more efficiently.
