~ Critique Series ~
Wow! Thank you for such an Honest Critique, Blaze.
JohnnyBlaze said:Poet of the Week Honest Critique
The poem our Poet of the Week Isgyppie_ has selected for critique in my opinion provides both an excellent and beautiful metaphor, portraying a woman as a shallow body of water further examined with hope of revealing greater character depth and understanding as to why that dimension is kept hidden.
However, the poem suffers from an excess of wordiness which is usually habitual and thus there is likely habit at work behind the scenes that can be broken. Also, there is a second metaphor that distracts focus away from the initial regarding water.
So, I am going to remove "what I believe" is not vital the poem's survival.
Where Her Passion Lies
She wore herself down
almost invisible
every time you blinked
you had to find her again
rush adrenaline
anticipation
you dove in head first
aware of danger shallowness
just beneath
your plunging head
clenched eyes
embraced for contact
another dead end.
you woke up to find yourself
floating in undiscovered and unexplored places
and now you’re addicted to this puzzle
who is the most distorted of masterpieces
you think you can try to solve
but once you latch two pieces together
and they seem to envelop and encompass one another
you try to expedite your venture
the same speed that she’s changing
the course of the game.
and when one piece holds
one lets go, and it will never be apt again. <- entire stanza to be replaced
So you wade in shallow her
hope that there might be
deeper pools
descend farther
than lungs can hold oxygen
Daydreaming drowning worth the risk
of possibly discovering where her passion is
the reason of why its sunk so far
and the monster that bounds and anchors it
more frightening than she cares to admit.
Next, I'm going to reorganize words and lines, as well as make slight modifications to language such as tense and add "my own substitutions" to complete the story.
Where Her Passion Lies
Every time you blinked
you lost sight of
a person with dimension
for she wore herself clear
as pure ocean
In an adrenaline rush
flush with anticipation
you dove in head first
aware of danger;
shallows just beneath
your headfirst plunge
eyes clenched
braced for impact
with a dead end
only to find yourself
floating in uncharted waters
less apt to spill through your grasp <- this line replaces the entire "puzzle metaphor" stanza
descending further
into her with more hope
than oxygen;
drowning in daydreams
worth the risk of possibly
discovering her passions
why these are sunken so far
into depths unseen
illuminating whatever leviathan
more frightening than she cares to admit
keeping her heart's desires
pirated away in a chest
My alterations are only meant to shed light on the poem's potential and are not written in stone; they are also open to alteration or can be completely dismissed by the author.
Stanza 1 still conveys the same notion of her having worn herself into something less than she could actually be to the point of losing opacity, while now perpetuating the idea of her wearing a surface layer in correlation to the metaphor of her being a body of shallow water that poses more than meets the eye.
Isgyppie_, thank you for allowing me to give your poem an Honest Critique. Hopefully it gives you insight into how you can write more efficiently.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231636-where-her-passion-lies/
JohnnyBlaze said:Poet of the Week Honest Critique
The poem our Poet of the Week Isgyppie_ has selected for critique in my opinion provides both an excellent and beautiful metaphor, portraying a woman as a shallow body of water further examined with hope of revealing greater character depth and understanding as to why that dimension is kept hidden.
However, the poem suffers from an excess of wordiness which is usually habitual and thus there is likely habit at work behind the scenes that can be broken. Also, there is a second metaphor that distracts focus away from the initial regarding water.
So, I am going to remove "what I believe" is not vital the poem's survival.
Where Her Passion Lies
She wore herself down
almost invisible
every time you blinked
you had to find her again
rush adrenaline
anticipation
you dove in head first
aware of danger shallowness
just beneath
your plunging head
clenched eyes
embraced for contact
another dead end.
you woke up to find yourself
floating in undiscovered and unexplored places
who is the most distorted of masterpieces
you think you can try to solve
but once you latch two pieces together
and they seem to envelop and encompass one another
you try to expedite your venture
the same speed that she’s changing
the course of the game.
and when one piece holds
one lets go, and it will never be apt again.
So you wade in shallow her
hope that there might be
deeper pools
descend farther
than lungs can hold oxygen
Daydreaming drowning worth the risk
of possibly discovering where her passion is
the reason of why its sunk so far
and the monster that bounds and anchors it
more frightening than she cares to admit.
Next, I'm going to reorganize words and lines, as well as make slight modifications to language such as tense and add "my own substitutions" to complete the story.
Where Her Passion Lies
Every time you blinked
you lost sight of
a person with dimension
for she wore herself clear
as pure ocean
In an adrenaline rush
flush with anticipation
you dove in head first
aware of danger;
shallows just beneath
your headfirst plunge
eyes clenched
braced for impact
with a dead end
only to find yourself
floating in uncharted waters
less apt to spill through your grasp <- this line replaces the entire "puzzle metaphor" stanza
descending further
into her with more hope
than oxygen;
drowning in daydreams
worth the risk of possibly
discovering her passions
why these are sunken so far
into depths unseen
illuminating whatever leviathan
more frightening than she cares to admit
keeping her heart's desires
pirated away in a chest
My alterations are only meant to shed light on the poem's potential and are not written in stone; they are also open to alteration or can be completely dismissed by the author.
Stanza 1 still conveys the same notion of her having worn herself into something less than she could actually be to the point of losing opacity, while now perpetuating the idea of her wearing a surface layer in correlation to the metaphor of her being a body of shallow water that poses more than meets the eye.
Isgyppie_, thank you for allowing me to give your poem an Honest Critique. Hopefully it gives you insight into how you can write more efficiently.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/231636-where-her-passion-lies/
Dear heart fear not the mud pies
second-hand clothes taxes or indifference.....
Tattered dreams and misguided emotions are but a frame of mind
and nothing really matters but the thickness of what you feel now.
Tomorrow is all part of an illusion inside this vast universe we all call home
the unknown is the only thing we all know for sure....
There are no rules, not really...
Insecurities are but a stump
sinking into the road of everlasting confusion...
What we know and what we feel
needs no answers
we need no audience for validation
we already know deep inside...
No second guesses needed
our truth is in our DNA
First, I want to comment on the message of the poem. It's an uplifting one of hope despite circumstance. I enjoyed and related to the essence. While I'm just an apprentice / protégé / starry-eyed word whore / whatever under Johnny, I'd like to suggest the following to tighten it up a bit.
Zazzles said:
Dear heart fear not the mud pies
second-hand clothes taxes or indifference.....
The first thing I'd suggest is a comma after heart for emphasis. Also, I'm uncertain if "mud pies" refers to childhood or a reference to mud slinging by others. It could actually work as both; however, there needs to be a comma after clothes, and I would suggest moving "or" to the last line, and remove the ellipses so it reads as thus:
Zazzles said:
Dear heart, fear notthe mud pies
second-hand clothes, taxes
or indifference......
Lastly, the jump between mud pies / second hand clothes to taxes / indifference seems one of a bridged nature between youth / aging. I found this most intriguing and quite unique in expression.
Tattered dreams and misguided emotions are but a frame of mind
and nothing really matters but the thickness ( ? ) of what you feel now.
Somehow I don't feel "thickness" is the right word here. I understand what you're attempting to convey; however, it's not flowing with the essence of the stanza or poem as a whole. What other word could you use to describe the density of feeling you're attempting to express?
Tomorrow isall part of an illusion/
inside this vast universe weall call home ( < cliche alert? How could you express this in a more unique way? In a Zazzle's signature? )
the unknown is the only thing weall know for sure.....
I eliminated some excess wordage, especially the ending, as the ellipses seemed out of sorts with a "know for sure". I contemplated removing 'for sure' also, as I think it works without it; however, could also work with it. It's one of those either / or phrases ( imho ).
There are no rules, not really...;
I honestly felt the latter part of the sentence contradicted the former, and added a semi to link it to the next one.
Insecurities arebut a stump
sinking into the road of everlasting confusion...
This really jumped out like a sore thumb regarding the imagery clashing with the meaning, or intent thereof. Think about it for a moment ... do stumps sink into roads? This stumps ( no pun intended ) the reader's relation to the meaning somewhat.
What you're attempting to say is spot on for the Poem ... but how you're trying to say it clashes and interrupts the flow. Come on, Zazz! You got this!
What we know andwhat we feel needs no answers
we need no nor audience for validation
we already know deep inside...
I almost struck 'already' too, only because I feel it works without it. Also, you've used 'know' twice, so I'd suggest a revision of the last line, perhaps something like "we're aware deep inside".
No second guessesneeded
our Truth is in our DNA
You used a variation of 'need' three times, which is why I suggest eliminating two. Also, the ellipses seemed to trail thoughts that I wanted to end before reaching the next line or verse. While ellipses can be a powerful tool leaving the reader with a sense of contemplation or continuation, I don't feel they're warranted here because you're addressing someone directly.
Imagine talking to your child, where pauses are emphasized by breaks in speech vs trailing ellipses.
Again, I thoroughly enjoyed the essence of this and agree with its philosophy. Truth does reside in our DNA and we innately know there is more to what is known.
Please understand the above suggestions are merely that, suggestions that can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm sure Johnny, being much more versed than I, may have additional suggestions.
Zazzles, thank you for the opportunity to critique your submission.
Zazzles said:
Dear heart fear not the mud pies
second-hand clothes taxes or indifference.....
The first thing I'd suggest is a comma after heart for emphasis. Also, I'm uncertain if "mud pies" refers to childhood or a reference to mud slinging by others. It could actually work as both; however, there needs to be a comma after clothes, and I would suggest moving "or" to the last line, and remove the ellipses so it reads as thus:
Zazzles said:
Dear heart, fear not
second-hand clothes, taxes
or indifference
Lastly, the jump between mud pies / second hand clothes to taxes / indifference seems one of a bridged nature between youth / aging. I found this most intriguing and quite unique in expression.
Tattered dreams and misguided emotions are but a frame of mind
Somehow I don't feel "thickness" is the right word here. I understand what you're attempting to convey; however, it's not flowing with the essence of the stanza or poem as a whole. What other word could you use to describe the density of feeling you're attempting to express?
Tomorrow is
inside this vast universe we
the unknown is the only thing we
I eliminated some excess wordage, especially the ending, as the ellipses seemed out of sorts with a "know for sure". I contemplated removing 'for sure' also, as I think it works without it; however, could also work with it. It's one of those either / or phrases ( imho ).
There are no rules
I honestly felt the latter part of the sentence contradicted the former, and added a semi to link it to the next one.
Insecurities are
sinking into the road
This really jumped out like a sore thumb regarding the imagery clashing with the meaning, or intent thereof. Think about it for a moment ... do stumps sink into roads? This stumps ( no pun intended ) the reader's relation to the meaning somewhat.
What you're attempting to say is spot on for the Poem ... but how you're trying to say it clashes and interrupts the flow. Come on, Zazz! You got this!
What we know and
we already know deep inside
I almost struck 'already' too, only because I feel it works without it. Also, you've used 'know' twice, so I'd suggest a revision of the last line, perhaps something like "we're aware deep inside".
No second guesses
You used a variation of 'need' three times, which is why I suggest eliminating two. Also, the ellipses seemed to trail thoughts that I wanted to end before reaching the next line or verse. While ellipses can be a powerful tool leaving the reader with a sense of contemplation or continuation, I don't feel they're warranted here because you're addressing someone directly.
Imagine talking to your child, where pauses are emphasized by breaks in speech vs trailing ellipses.
Again, I thoroughly enjoyed the essence of this and agree with its philosophy. Truth does reside in our DNA and we innately know there is more to what is known.
Please understand the above suggestions are merely that, suggestions that can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm sure Johnny, being much more versed than I, may have additional suggestions.
Zazzles, thank you for the opportunity to critique your submission.
This is such a meaty thread. I'm so glad I noticed it when it got bumped. I've been reading it off and on for a good part of the day. Just got to page 14, and my brain needs a break. I'm going to try to catch all the way up tomorrow.
Ahavati and Johnny, I've appreciated the conversation and critiques I've seen from you in various comment sections, so the progression of this thread has been a particularly enjoyable experience. Hopefully, I've absorbed some things in the reading of it.
Ahavati and Johnny, I've appreciated the conversation and critiques I've seen from you in various comment sections, so the progression of this thread has been a particularly enjoyable experience. Hopefully, I've absorbed some things in the reading of it.
Thank you, Stained One! Johnny is the Half rhyme that connects me sonically to the assonance and ( sub ) consonance of my being. He's the alliteration that rolls off my poetic origin. He's the free form that issued Icarus wings not of melting wax ( because who does that anyway? ), but a state of the art Cessna 172 Skyhawk because F'YOU, heat!
He's the Bee's knees to my swarm and my Bestie friend in da whole whorld. Now if'n you'll 'scuse me I need to run throw something purple on because that's what color we decided to wear today!
Good morning from the east coast USA! Thank you for taking the time to peruse the thread. We've worked really hard on this chain gang! 🌞
He's the Bee's knees to my swarm and my Bestie friend in da whole whorld. Now if'n you'll 'scuse me I need to run throw something purple on because that's what color we decided to wear today!
Good morning from the east coast USA! Thank you for taking the time to peruse the thread. We've worked really hard on this chain gang! 🌞
Ahavati said:
Please understand the above suggestions are merely that, suggestions that can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm sure Johnny, being much more versed than I, may have additional suggestions.
My suggestion is to replace and add to Stanza 2.
As example only:
Tattered dreams and misguided emotions are but a frame of mind
What really matters is what you learn of the Self
in quiet moments of contemplation
To say "what you feel" is circular, leading the reader back to an emotional state and thus frame of mind.
Please understand the above suggestions are merely that, suggestions that can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm sure Johnny, being much more versed than I, may have additional suggestions.
My suggestion is to replace and add to Stanza 2.
As example only:
Tattered dreams and misguided emotions are but a frame of mind
What really matters is what you learn of the Self
in quiet moments of contemplation
To say "what you feel" is circular, leading the reader back to an emotional state and thus frame of mind.
Ahavati said:First, I want to comment on the message of the poem. It's an uplifting one of hope despite circumstance. I enjoyed and related to the essence. While I'm just an apprentice / protégé / starry-eyed word whore / whatever under Johnny, I'd like to suggest the following to tighten it up a bit.
You used a variation of 'need' three times, which is why I suggest eliminating two. Also, the ellipses seemed to trail thoughts that I wanted to end before reaching the next line or verse. While ellipses can be a powerful tool leaving the reader with a sense of contemplation or continuation, I don't feel they're warranted here because you're addressing someone directly.
Imagine talking to your child, where pauses are emphasized by breaks in speech vs trailing ellipses.
Again, I thoroughly enjoyed the essence of this and agree with its philosophy. Truth does reside in our DNA and we innately know there is more to what is known.
Please understand the above suggestions are merely that, suggestions that can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm sure Johnny, being much more versed than I, may have additional suggestions.
Zazzles, thank you for the opportunity to critique your submission.
okay so can you put all your edits together and let me see it as one ? i am thinking your critique is spot on.. but i need to see it in one piece you whiskey drinkin woman JK
You used a variation of 'need' three times, which is why I suggest eliminating two. Also, the ellipses seemed to trail thoughts that I wanted to end before reaching the next line or verse. While ellipses can be a powerful tool leaving the reader with a sense of contemplation or continuation, I don't feel they're warranted here because you're addressing someone directly.
Imagine talking to your child, where pauses are emphasized by breaks in speech vs trailing ellipses.
Again, I thoroughly enjoyed the essence of this and agree with its philosophy. Truth does reside in our DNA and we innately know there is more to what is known.
Please understand the above suggestions are merely that, suggestions that can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm sure Johnny, being much more versed than I, may have additional suggestions.
Zazzles, thank you for the opportunity to critique your submission.
okay so can you put all your edits together and let me see it as one ? i am thinking your critique is spot on.. but i need to see it in one piece you whiskey drinkin woman JK
JohnnyBlaze said:
My suggestion is to replace and add to Stanza 2.
As example only:
Tattered dreams and misguided emotions are but a frame of mind
What really matters is what you learn of the Self
in quiet moments of contemplation
To say "what you feel" is circular, leading the reader back to an emotional state and thus frame of mind.
Well the thing is johnny, i feel some past memories can be toxic and crippling. Some people cannot let them go and just live in the now...
My suggestion is to replace and add to Stanza 2.
As example only:
Tattered dreams and misguided emotions are but a frame of mind
What really matters is what you learn of the Self
in quiet moments of contemplation
To say "what you feel" is circular, leading the reader back to an emotional state and thus frame of mind.
Well the thing is johnny, i feel some past memories can be toxic and crippling. Some people cannot let them go and just live in the now...
Tomorrow is all part of an illusion/
inside this vast universe we all call home ( < cliche alert? How could you express this in a more unique way? In a Zazzle's signature? )
the unknown is the only thing we all know for sure.....
I eliminated some excess wordage, especially the ending, as the ellipses seemed out of sorts with a "know for sure". I contemplated removing 'for sure' also, as I think it works without it; however, could also work with it. It's one of those either / or phrases ( imho ).
There are no rules , not really...
good... I agree
inside this vast universe we all call home ( < cliche alert? How could you express this in a more unique way? In a Zazzle's signature? )
the unknown is the only thing we all know for sure.....
I eliminated some excess wordage, especially the ending, as the ellipses seemed out of sorts with a "know for sure". I contemplated removing 'for sure' also, as I think it works without it; however, could also work with it. It's one of those either / or phrases ( imho ).
There are no rules , not really...
good... I agree
