~ Critique Series ~

Thanks to all...I am much happier with it now! Again, you are all wonderful and I appreciate your support!

mel44 said:Thanks to all...I am much happier with it now! Again, you are all wonderful and I appreciate your support!

Glad to have helped.

Just imagine all the poems in the world that could be improved with a little patience and elbow grease.

Have another one dear to my heart...Would appreciate any feedback:)
Women and Freedom

Inspired by Simone De Beauvoir – The Second Sex

For he who wishes to dominate
I shall refuse to engage
Uninspired to be you
My own self on a stage

I need not your permission
To establish equality
Approval is unnecessary
Not a question of causality

To ask of you the privilege
Implies I am unfree
Not at liberty to provide
Emancipation; up to me

Difference is not inequality
I am woman, authentic and true
I seek not to disparage
Nor strive to be like you

Thank you, Mel! We'll be with you shortly. xo

Women and Freedom

Inspired by Simone De Beauvoir – The Second Sex

For he who wishes to dominate
I shall refuse to engage
Uninspired to be you
My own self on a stage

I need not your permission
To establish equality
Approval is unnecessary
Not a question of causality

To ask of you the privilege
Implies I am unfree
Not at liberty to provide
Emancipation; up to me

Difference is not inequality
I am woman, authentic and true
I seek not to disparage
Nor strive to be like you

Women and Freedom

I seek not to disparage
Nor strive to be like you
Difference is not inequality
I am woman, authentic and true

Not at liberty to provide
Emancipation; up to me
To ask of you the privilege
Implies I am unfree

Approval is unnecessary
Not a question of causality
I need not your permission
To establish equality

Uninspired to be you
My own self on a stage
For he who wishes to dominate
I shall refuse to engage

Inspired by Simone De Beauvoir – The Second Sex



Sometimes interesting discoveries can be made when reciting a poem in a reverse fashion.

Which way reads better?

As for these, I suggest slight modifications:

I need not your permission
To establish any equality

Not at liberty to provide
Emancipation is up to me

I don't get surprised often - not when it comes to critiques; however, THAT was bloody brilliant. And something to add to my future considerations. Sheesh. Mind boggled.

Wow JB...you are a wizard... ingenious! I will remember this concept as well for my writing in the future. It feels somehow, more powerful.  THANK YOU!  

Ahavati said:I don't get surprised often - not when it comes to critiques; however, THAT was bloody brilliant. And something to add to my future considerations. Sheesh. Mind boggled.

mel44 said:Wow JB...you are a wizard... ingenious! I will remember this concept as well for my writing in the future. It feels somehow, more powerful.  THANK YOU!  

I stumbled across this editing technique about 10 years ago while playing with my words at the writing table.

Supine

A tree shedding
bark like skin
the heart of the sky
framed in limbs

A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarm toward summer
My tangled hair a nest
of dirt and fertlizer

Grilled smoke navigates
the distance, an oblation
to the god of taste

I hear it in the cricket's
wings, the cruelist month
fast approaching
~

Ahavati said:Supine

A tree shedding
bark like skin
the heart of the sky
framed in limbs

A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarm toward summer
My tangled hair a nest
of dirt and fertlizer

Grilled smoke navigates
the distance, an oblation
to the god of taste

I hear it in the cricket's
wings, the cruelist month
fast approaching
~


First, your title.

"Supine" is a rather exotic word for your average reader to digest. Consider something more familiar  along the lines of "Laid Back" to also emphasize the casualness.

Ahavati said:
the heart of the sky
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin

It's A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarming toward summer <- "swarms" would also work
nest of dirt and fertlizer
My tangled hair a is in

Grilled smoke navigates ascends rises etc <- smoke goes wherever wind and gravity takes it
the distance, an oblation
to the god of taste

I hear it in the cricket's wings,
their symphony simply allegro

as April
the cruelest month
is fast approaching
~


I reversed the lines of 1st Stanza

I reversed the 2nd half of the 2nd Stanza to set it up for a rhyme if that interests you.

Stanza 3 self explanatory.

Stanza 4, I'd split to create more emphasis on the cricket's sound and the fact you are referring to April.

"allegro" is also a bit exotic, but here the reader has context to understand it has something to do with music.

You could also add to the New Stanza 4 a line ending in the word "haste" for another rhyme.

LOVE IT!

I'll be back.

Rooting

The heart of the sky
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin

A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
The nest of dirt and fertlizer
my hair is rooting in

Grilled smoke disipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste

I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 beats per minute

"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"

The earth bulging with
bulbs of hyacinth

~

Notes on your notes:

Title better?

S1: Perfect! Well, except the 'T' needed capped.

S2: I chose "A/swarms" but reworked the second part of the stanza because I felt it didn't clarify my hair was tangled because of the dirt and fertilizer, not because I just woke up one morning and said, 'Ah screw it!' and burned my brush.  

But then I got to thinking...hair, roots, tendrils, rooting, rooted, no; rooting? Thus validating the fertilizer as d*mn good (or pure sh*t one).

Whatcha think?

S3: whatcha think?

S4: I loved your musical reference so took my cue from that. Symphony seemed somewhat cliche, and so did song. So I settled with metronome. What do you think?

S5: You're right in that most probably wouldn't get the Eliot reference in regards to the cruelest month. Also thought it might work better in quotes, like song lyrics, but will defer to you on that one.

S6: I added the couplet because I remember lying there, and when I brushed my hand across the earth my palm cupped a bulge from a bulb breaking the earth.  I like the rhymes/half-rhymes and alliteration with S4.  

BUT, something seems off. Whatchoo think?

I really appreciate all your help! 🍪

Ahavati said:Rooting

The heart of the sky
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin

A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
The nest of dirt and fertlizer
my hair is rooting in

Grilled smoke disipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste

I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 beats per minute

"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"

The earth bulging with
bulbs of hyacinth

~

Notes on your notes:

Title better?

S1: Perfect! Well, except the 'T' needed capped.

S2: I chose "A/swarms" but reworked the second part of the stanza because I felt it didn't clarify my hair was tangled because of the dirt and fertilizer, not because I just woke up one morning and said, 'Ah screw it!' and burned my brush.  

But then I got to thinking...hair, roots, tendrils, rooting, rooted, no; rooting? Thus validating the fertilizer as d*mn good (or pure sh*t one).

Whatcha think?

S3: whatcha think?

S4: I loved your musical reference so took my cue from that. Symphony seemed somewhat cliche, and so did song. So I settled with metronome. What do you think?

S5: You're right in that most probably wouldn't get the Eliot reference in regards to the cruelest month. Also thought it might work better in quotes, like song lyrics, but will defer to you on that one.

S6: I added the couplet because I remember lying there, and when I brushed my hand across the earth my palm cupped a bulge from a bulb breaking the earth.  I like the rhymes/half-rhymes and alliteration with S4.  

BUT, something seems off. Whatchoo think?

I really appreciate all your help! 🍪



What's off is you bumped the ending. Swap your final two stanzas.

If it still seems off, try tracking on a new ending that plays off the final stanza and your new title.

Although
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"

I'm still rooting for her

Of course, this would fuck up Stanza 2 ..... but you could modify that to

The nest of dirt and fertlizer
my hair is planted in

Everything else looks good!

Orrrrrr...I could just lose the final stanza (since its not going to work flipped) like a bad hair day and retitle along the lines of what you suggested earlier...

But I'm wondering...would that be too easy...?

😇