HABITS

I guess this is for those who find writing therapeutic.  Doesn't matter the length, just be truthful and honest.

      Sleep!!

A bit of index to scratch,
Search comfort,change sides,
Creases on the sheet,
Try harder,
Think,make it worse.

You are what you meant to be,
You would be what you don't plan to be,
Regrets?Yeah sure,quite a lot,
What would you choose for them:
Excuses or explanations.

"I hate when you say that
I never fight for you."
Well, lines of a song.
But,what are they doing here,
At this uninviting time.

What are you short of?
Promises,
People to make promises;
Love,
People to make love,
Dreams,
Aw! you still awake.

Think of people,
those you pretend to know,
How would you serve them?
arrogance or tantrums.

Think of people you envy,
Give them a better part of your disgust,
Try removing the pillow,
because thoughts you can't.

Count or just breathe or both,
inhale at 1 exhale on 2,
Works other days,not today.
Where had you been?
Probably sleepwalking.
No, just laying still.

Think of words you don't know,
Or never existed,
Google it,
'A word for 'soothing pain''
'Klentyn'.

Today is gone,
Any plans for tomorrow ?
Laugh, love, cherish,
And then forgot,
forgot the talk before sleep,
Just like the dreams.

The night stars,the sky,
involves leaving the bed,
Not better than,
Your horrifying self-portrayal,
Rebuke it, accept it or dance to it.
Too much realization for a night,
Sleep...

Hell yes, very good work, thanks for the submission.

Alcoholism.

A FEW DAYS

In life I never knew  
Which door I came through  
In time I came to you  
I know you're crooked too    


A few days  
Until the parade  
Is over    


I saw what misery showed me  
Some days I'd yearn to be free  
I heard the thousand lies you spewed  
Who knew you could be this shrewd  
I hated living cent by cent  
So drown with me, forty percent  
We will calm down, feel the red  
The dream-scape we thought was dead    


A few days  
Until the parade  
Is over  
A few days  
I thought I heard for a moment  
Thought I heard you cry    


In life I never knew  
Which door I came through  
So I'll find a new way to breathe  
Buy myself new memories  
Maybe I'm being too insecure  
Missed so many signs to be sure  
Should have swapped the keys  
Looked at the torpor inside of me    


A few days  
Until the parade  
Is over    


I grew up  
Nothing more to say  
I left you  
Where misery stays

Very good. Exceptionally deep. Appreciate your contribution to this.

Hurry


Beat the traffic
foot on the gas
time is of eccense
need to get home
Same thing today
as will be tomorrow
and the next

Have to get home
in the door
Rush to the bedroom

No time to stop
No time to stay

Need to get rid of
these underpants
and let things sway

aah relief
day after day

-x-

Ha I read it fast pace and worked out well. Ending is funny. Enjoyed it  thanks for the submission.

Tick

I pick at my thumb
Till the skin is raw
Sharp nails
Just like a chainsaw

I just can't stop
This nervous tick
No matter what
I have to pick

Throbbing veins
Cuticles broken
I can't stop shaking
I don't even know it

Maybe this poem
Will help me move on
Cause without the hurt
I feel withdrawn

Love Hate Relationship

It's been three months now without you
i go days without thinking about you
But some days i find that i'm losing my mind
And i yearn and i miss and i shout you

For decades we roamed clouds together
And didn't mind where how or whether
Hell or heaven sent i still catch your scent
We were bonded by a smoky tether

No i don't miss you at all yes i do
i thought you were love but we're through
Hear you calling my name but if it's all the same
No i want you i need you i hate you

You helped me forget who i was
But you were my downfall because
i just couldn't cope with being this dope
And so now i am taking this pause

i hid your utensils from my wife
In case you return to my life
And i'm full to the hilt of this awful guilt
You've given me nothing but strife

The worst thing though is this grief
And knowing that i can't get relief
There is no desire that replaces your fire
You've damned me is my belief

There's no way that i can employ ya
And if only i could i would destroy ya
No one has to guess why i am such a mess
And you infected me with paranoia

And even though i won't be the same
i'm telling you to fuck off Mary Jane
But still stay close if i should need your dose
No damn it you're not worth the pain

A Gilded Hell

My Conscience takes all my mistakes
And hurls them in my face
So I relive each negative
And demeaning disgrace
With clarity, severity,
And overwhelming shame.
Day after day It does convey
Just who I have to blame.
I find no peace, my mind wont cease,
I’m constantly harassed;
My mind wallows within the throes
Of dredging up my past
So for support I find comfort
In Spirits so divine
And I believe in Their reprieve-
As warmth and bliss combine.
These Single Malts drown all my faults
I count them one by one
Watching each pass through a raised glass
My Aspersorium-
But mine contains Heavenly Flames
Which sear into my soul
I’ve come to Praise this intense blaze
Which makes me lose control.
It does submerge the morbid urge
To find a swift release
And be content with permanent
And everlasting peace.
But my meekness is a weakness-
A flaw which guarantees
A gilded hell where I can dwell
Toasting bad memories.

Yvonne Denise Springer

Queen Of Insomnia

Counting the hours as they go by
Tossing n' turning and each time I try I just can't find a way to get away from these thoughts that roam through my mind.
Goin' so damn crazy tonight because I need some sleep,
Do I count sheep?
Or do I turn over and repeat?.
Forget it! I guess I'll just have another sleepless night.
I fight constantly in these sheets as I'm practically going insane,
Like a mental patient these blankets become my straight jacket as they wrap around me tightly while I try to find a way to get comfortable.
Grunting and crying in frustration each time I go in cycles from kicking off the blankets to putting them back on it's endless torture.
Watching the clock in front of me as it goes
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock
Feeling so irritated as my eyes start feeling heavier while the night gets older and I become much more exhausted.
Lost in only my own senseless thoughts,
I have become mad without sleep.
Just when I am about to drift off into dream land my alarm goes off and wakes me up,
I curse under my breath as I refuse to get up.
Once again, I become the queen of insomnia.

YOU, I or SHE

I.

This tale is a warning, about a vice and its woe,
Of the lesson I learnt, and the ones yet to know.

See, the end is unwritten, might be my final farewell,
To the good and the bad, to the heaven and hell.

But the tale should be told, and so I’ll commence,
I’ll be open and honest and try not cause offence.

The whole story started less than eighteen months ago,
With me overweight, out-of-shape and my self-esteem low.

I was awkward and sad but was so sick of my lot,
I’d work out to get thin; it was no novel plot.

But this time I did it. Lost the kilos: twenty-three,
An aesthetic success! But a shock lay waiting for me.

What I discovered to my horror, when the fat had all gone,
It wasn’t why I’d been unhappy, I’d been mistaken all along.

When you can’t blame the depression on the layers of fat.
Scapegoat’s gone, veil’s been lifted – now its time to face facts.

I had hated myself. For which, there’s no easy cure.
But I'd never have guessed what I was about to endure.

II.

My grim realisation was not as clear as it is now
It’s taken time and reflection to solve the why and how

So superficial I was that the weight-loss pleased me,
My new body confidence brought me much glee.

It took a short step in learning that when building your self-worth up,
Needn't do it yourself, if others will do it - you're in luck.

The more notches you make, the more of them like you,
Each stamp of approval means you’re worth something too.

But this trick doesn’t work, it’s short shrift at best,
Such validation’s unstable and needs constant redress

All that matters in this system is that they want you,
No connection required, don't need your desire too.

Soon I became an object, a thing merely of which you approve,
Such validation is addictive, not before long it consumes you.

This game is never over, the self-worth is never won,
For approval this fleeting, this shallow has soon gone.

Your entire self-worth crashes right down to the ground,
By one mild-mannered rejection, a snide comment or frown.

It soon left me quite hollow, couldn’t have liked myself less,
How could finding some comfort possibly worsen this mess?

But hand in hand with this issue - there's a darker reveal,
A vice with such danger, it barely seems real.

III.

I sought solace in drugs, to liven my day,
It didn’t take long ‘til my life went astray.

In order to find out how this all came to be,
I’ll need you to understand 'her' grip over me.

So allow me to introduce a few "friends" of mine
If you greet them but once, then you’ll find them divine.

There’s Mandy and Katie, and the one just called "G",
And last but not least, is Tina you see.

The last one of these has a much darker side,
Deep down she’s evil, she'll eat you alive.

Or better yet still, she'll have you do it yourself,
You'll follow her whispers, and you’ll ruin your health.

At first you'll be fine and you'll tell yourself so,
But Tina works quickly, there's not long to go.

You’ll chomp and you’ll chew, you’ll pick and you’ll scratch
You’ll end up a shell, that’s Tina’s one catch.

Other than that she’s perfectly fine,
You’ll fall apart slowly, one piece at a time.

And then there’s the psychosis - well that’s just a treat,
When the shadows start watching you walk down the street.

Still, there’s nothing quite like puffing clouds all the time,
Till five days, no sleep and I’m still writing in rhyme.

Haven’t eaten for days, the fat’s no problem now,
My ribs start protruding, face looks gaunt but wait, how?

I had the whole thing in hand, it was just once a week,
There’s just one final shard left, I can't help but freak

The story gets worse, believe you and me,
When Tina’s got hold there’s no getting free

The minute you try to stop smoking shard,
Full depression sets in and you crash way too hard.

If she can’t get you using then coming off it, she will,
"All the pain will soon stop" T whispers, "if you'd just pop that pill"

But the downers don’t work, Tina makes sure that’s a fact,
She’s not done with you yet, she'll first get you the sack.

You’ve got no money now, so you start helping her out,
You start selling her round ‘cause your fix was in doubt.

But look what you've done! You’ve passed her along,
You know what will happen and know full well it’s wrong.

And this was my fate, and so you will see,
There isn’t much left of a discernible me.

It’s too late for me now, too much of me's gone.
Nobody’s left here to save, if there ever was one.

But Wait! Hold up! Hang on just a sec…
It isn’t quite over, that bitch hasn't won yet.

I had forgotten that feeling, that desire to fight back,
The anger inside that builds you up to attack.

I’m starting to remember someone I used to be,
I was weak but tenacious; few others best me.

My resources are depleted and psychosis set in,
It’s hard to stay sane when your mind's wearing thin.

It’s important that I know I'm not beaten yet,
Got some tricks up my sleeve, that bitch won't ever forget.

IV.

Well, what happens next? I’m sure you’re dying to know
The middle is all done with, just the ending to go.

Now – don’t get frustrated but I just can’t tell you the rest,
I don’t know how it ends, I'm still living it - I confess.

Can't predict what will happen, perhaps there's one guess I can,
It won’t end with a fizzle. It will end with a bang.

Right now I’m alone, lost - no clear path in sight,
The state that I’m in, would give anyone a fright.

If all other attempts fail, then only one end is left,
Say it's the easy way out, you call me selfish to choose death.

Your ignorance is very telling, no need to say more,
I understand it all now, as clear as crystal I'm sure.

You’ll never quite get it, not sure you’ll ever quite see,
The pain that I’m feeling and the emptiness that fills me.

After all Tina's done, she hasn't take me whole,
She’s helped things along, granted - she took her toll.

But cast your minds back...there were problems before,
All Tina has done, is to seize the prey at her door.

V.

I was lost before I met her and even before that,
Had not a shred of self-worth, not even a scrap.

It was taken from me, before I even knew,
I was made to believe that somehow I needed you.

Tried so hard to fit in, to obey all of the rules,
To alter myself so I'd be liked by you fools.

I eroded away at the person I could've been.
By tempering myself down, so what's real was unseen.

All of my focus, time, energy were spent,
Playing the role you wanted and the 'real' part just went.

When I finally stopped caring about your version of me,
There was nothing else left there, no person to be.

So I died long ago, certainly anything worth saving.
That person isn't real, don't you? The one that you’re craving.

It was all a smart act, a ruse, a charade.
I played the part well, t'was unwittingly hard.

The impersonation laid on, worked more than it should,
Since it made all you like me more than I ever could.

How dare you remark callously on my final act?!
You have said quite enough haven't you, as a matter of fact.

The blame must be pointed at one of us, three.
One must be the culprit but is it You, I or She?

I know who I'd bet on, let's not dwell on that,
Firing guilt at each other, won't take it all back.

Tina's portion of blame is a catalyst's share,
Can't find her guilty if I kick away the chair.

It's funny that now's the time that I find,
The root of the problem was not me or my mind.

No solution to be gleaned, can't go back to the past.
Only the future left ahead and I’m not sure I’ll last.

Not giving up yet, I won’t just accept such a fate,
With some luck and some willing, it won't be too late...

Scratching~

Down the length of the neck,
to the tip of the fingers.
Rubbing at the skin that will soon flake.
Back of the neck up above the ear,
rubbing the scalp raw.
Irritation leading to the scratching,
Unease.
Scratching.
Embarrassment.
Scratching.
Quick and relieving.
Down the thighs to the knees,
Around the stomach,
skin turning to red like a beet.
But the satisfaction is gratifying.
Fear.
Scratch.
Think.
Scratch.
Bored.
Scratch.

CUT

At ten years old or probably age twelve,
I started drawing on myself with blades,
To watch intently as I'd break the skin
To lick my lips as beads of rubies fell.
 
But cutting fascinated me no end;
I didn't even need my mother's kiss
When she would tell me it would make it well,
And then I'd go outside to ride my bike.
 
It never crossed my mind the reasons why,
Though none of it to do with death by snuff.
I loved my family, did I love myself?
I didn't want to die, I was too young.
 
But cutting fascinated me no end;
Though I did not know then it had a name,
Or even if my father was to blame
Because it was his razor blades I used.
 
I knew I had to hide when I would cut,
Not 'cause I thought it wrong or even bad.
I loved the way it felt across my arms
And didn't want to share with anyone.
 
But cutting fascinated me no end;
And when I'd try to stop it called to me.
I'd also sneak the sheers to cut my hair
In places where the deed would never show.
 
Then came the day my mom walked in on me,
The shower curtain on the floor in bits,
Dad's toenail clippers clasped in my left hand.
She asked me "Why?", I answered "I don't know."
 
But cutting fascinated me no end;
I have the scars where once six freckles were,
As I attempted plastic surgery
With double-edge and sewing thread on me.
 
"Am I not pretty now?", the tomboy asks,
With lovely eyebrows shaven to the quick.
Her image of myself reflecting back
From mirror of spattered rubies on the glass.

Experimenting with Sobriety

How fucked is it I experiment with sobriety,
Deceive others to believe I’m functioning in society,
Feel relieved only when drugs are inside of me,
Weed, molly, benzos, LSD, DMT, ketamine,
Bursting seams mentally sucking at the devils teat,
So I feel more at peace in my dreams than reality,
Its hard to believe others dramatize that part of me,
Traumatized yet still I abuse losing my vitality,
I’m a fool to use to cope with the stress of my adolescent morality,
That’s an excuse from my poor mentality, am I an abnormality-
i neglected  the lesson that might stand in place of this confession,
Showing symptoms of depression, but all hopes is not lost,
I can buy happiness I gave it a cost,
my discretion I tossed aside
I'm exhausted and losing my mind,
I'm inclined to combine refined lines designed to unwind my kind,
Remind myself I wont find the dragon,
My life will end with a magnum,
a drug induced tantrum,
mental phantoms hold me for ransom,
So I Demand one last dance,
One last chance to forget the pain present in the past,
one last blast for a future that just cannot last