Broken Childhood.

been writing like a mad man
trying to finish this book/novel/biography/poetry.
thats been most of my day for a while now,
also im kinda in a mid life crisis at least i feel like,
life and all its horrors suddenly crept up on me ,
consuming me in a soldering blanket of darkness
i couldn't even face me , look at myself in the mirror, or even bare to think of anything
especially my demons staring back at me, opening my eyes at one point was terrorizing me.
contorted dis-formed and ugly a demon i seen looking back at me .
falling from any amount of grace i ever had or thought i had
the screams of angry men beating me and sounds of little sisters
crying in agony , she  looks to me while defiled in misery .
screaming dragged away from me,
her nails snap off clawing the carpet trying to get to me
the screams they echo in me .
often for days they left the boy in a garage
with a pissed stained mattress and no food or water
he would bang on things mumble things turn on the fan and sit close
because when it got quite he could still hear her
even from the garage he could hear them
hear pure evil men laughing and chuckling
while they fucked his little sister without mercy
when they were done they would come and get me
tell me my sisters sick and i need to do something
blood soaked her panties i couldn't understand
i was 6 and she was 7
this went on and on
until they came
the sheriffs and worthless cps
they saved that  day
hooray
what about the 4 previous years
i guess they were a little late
now i live constantly in pain .
i didn't choose my fate
i just have to fake a smile everyday
and pretend my life's ok
and  theses fucking humans
want me play like its ok
fuck you go away now
or i will fucking fillet you.
making you pay for all the sins committed
from other evil flesh bags
believe me when i unleash the other sinister pen inside me
the most dark , evil and sadistic of me
it takes straight killers to there to there knees
with the hate i bring ,
wide eyed looking at me
they say fuck man.. i thought i was crazy
while they hold a bloody knife and stand over a dead body

I am not going to die tonight,
because im to afraid to sleep tonight
the monsters in the dark crawling thru my head since last night
when the electricity snapped on in me,
like someone flipping on a damn  light
in pitch the  darkness of night
it shocks me

suddenly
surging thru me, hurting,  it flows..,  thunderstruck,.. im ac-dc,.. its now is pumping thru me.
mostly likely now thru corroded arteries, but still,,up and down tho it still flows  thru me
and with a power source it will continue endlessly, for eternity,
fuck that
writing this now, i shivering nervously ...I told you!!!  stay the fuck away from me!.... noo why!
your my father don't you love me..with a crooked smirk and saddened eyes he approaches me
in the beginning I would close my eyes.
hoping if I didn't see it
it would trick my mind
make it a lie

body paralyzing
teeth grinding
neck stiffening
eyes barely able to dart down to look for searing pain.
I cant help it  teeth chipping
I scream!!!!! scream loud, I  scream bold,
hoping for its hold to let me go,
straightening me like a board, spine stiffening ,back aching, straining,
focusing hard on it not snapping me and ending me
turning me inside out
I smell the flesh starts to burn
yup in smoldering  
i feel my blood boiling
i fade out
as i blackout
but it's ok
i can try to go back to sleep now..
soaking wet, curled in a ball
i rock myself to sleep.

i desire this trophy for some sick reason

She had been scarred. Both in mind and body.
The blood that ran through her veins were tainted. The skin she wore was tattered. The life she had was garbage.
Her mind had been too far gone. Everything she knew was a lie. The fire that kept her going was burnt out.
She made no attempts to try. She was at the point of giving up. Suddenly, out in the distance stood a tall bright light. Coming in closer, realizing that breath taking light was there to protect her. She had found her saviour, albeit she didn't see the truth.
The one who came to take her from her horrible dream, had been stomped into the ground by the one and only. If only she knew the truth....
Soon enough, time came and her saviour came back and she nurtured it. She cared for it and soon enough it regained health and wellness. It grew bigger and better than ever before. It got to a point of greatness, that it forgot about saving the girl, and left.
There she was, stuck in her hole, buried further than ever before. Digging out slowly, not sure why she even tries.
She gets to her breaking point, and pulls the string. It pours the gasoline down into her hole. She's given up on life. She loses sight of her goals. She burns herself alive.

Goodbye

dude victoria that tattoo is fucking sick, anyhoo i was diggin the poem makes ya think good job

.:Early Blurred:.


during heated nightmares
sometimes kids, the children
what they receive is a fool’s fire
that, along with some uneven &
unresolved memories
the catching of bad feelings
tightly holding onto them
and wanting not to, but
sometimes that’s
just the way it is
hoping that
someone with might
that they just might
might take the terrible away
the terror of the day

perhaps today,  
maybe someone, anyone  
they’ll confront what’s surreal
the knotted up experiences
the ones begot from
deficient situations
maybe adjust things
put things back into place
a worker to work a case
a corrective visit to
what’s uneven, those memories
that fire, that unwanted terror
it can be an all out Hell,
twisting knots-of-what-not, like
not pursuing a child’s unsoiled vision
poorly overwrought; a failing mission
wherein sometimes and too often
the early blurred catches the burned

I sat on uncles lap..
He gave me a pat..
On the rear and came nearer my
Innocence
He fed me intimacy and secret touch
Said he loved me so much
Until he got to my hole
And he spilled himself there
And ripped out my soul
And held a finger up to my lip..
Shhh!
Secret love kept..
I wept..
And now scream
In dream

Tod..awesome.

A broken child

he will beat her today
he will slap her face again
opening the old cuts
that has bled again and again

I confess father
I stole the banana
I was hungry father
You took my supper away last night
cos I wet my panties again
but when you shout I do that

don't beat me too hard
it's only been two days
since the previous hitting
forgive my rumbling stomach
But I only took one

she turns her back
and thought of comfort
in her mother's tummy
as he takes up her four year old body
and throws her against the wall.

BROKEN

An acute transposition:
From a fallen angel to a broken soul;
A reclusive personification,
Just yesterday she was daddy's little girl...

Either time lapsed in his eyes only,
And he saw a woman in a 6 yr old girl;
Or the absent Holy Spirit left him lonely,
And his cognition couldn't surmount the devil...

For such frequent yet temporal occurrences,
Left interminable scars in her limbic system.
Being a mute ate away what was left of her innocence.
Daddy's little girl was too young to be a victim...

Sorry... probably longer than the ideal

*Words once spoken
simply should not have been
Words painted a picture
beautiful
watercolour pastels
sunrise blooming over ourselves
as bright as our future
was going to be
but when I opened my eyes
to reality
as words revealed their true meaning
instead of the expected
portrait promised perfect
all that was in front of me
was a glass
transparent, empty
offering no meaning
or answer for what was ahead
and as I started to tap
then knock with a frustration
from the untruthful observation
a crack from the upper corner
made it down to the centre
passing by splitting
all I had of these empty words
once so naive and lovely
turned to a broken insignificance
I was so quick and eager to listen
to words once spoken
that simply should not have been.
Words are a substance
that cannot be grasped
but are held on too so tightly
by the ones who trust  
and spoken words are invisible
but somehow they tend to form an image
that is harder to erase than any sharpie
and harder to burn than any document
and words are loose
there are no restrictions
no filtres
no evidence
depending on the person
and their heart determines
what they say
but the heart is almost invisible
as the glass you see
when you open your eyes
and are surprised
there is no sunrise
just more transparency.
And no amount of tears or years
can absorb those treasured words
but when you reached
where ‘x’ marked the spot
and you dig
for some type of sign
there is an endeavour behind
these words
but you reach so far down
and as your hope is lost with your energy
you decide that the hole
you’ve spent so much time digging
becomes a tomb
a burial marked with a stone
“here lies meaningless”
and you don’t bother to fill it back in
so it symbolises
the words that were spoken
and suddenly you realise
the grave sites in your heart
and all these holes
left unfilled
are gaps created by abandoned words
who were spoken by people
that were supposed to make your heart swell
with laughter and love
but the words ate away
what was left of trust
and actions that were promised
were never done
and the words spoken
just aren’t enough
and more and more
your ears become plugged
to words that are spoken
that simply should not
have been.