Suicide

Sorry double post.

Bottle by bottle the bowl fills
as colored capsules chime
a piper's tune

No one hears my confession
Much less my poison promise
to break all others

The Morning Star
lights my path
but sheds no heat

This crazy porringer
holds tomorrow in its orbit
a gravity all its own

To no one in particular
I say goodbye
a handful at a time

suicide
all I wanted was to let go
Make everyones wish come true
run until my legs gave up
Instead I turn to drugs
Mess with life as a game
I intended to win
I took that razor to my wrist
seven marks
thirteen
twenty marks
forty
now I lay with emptiness searching
He left like any daughter
would miss her father
I stopped
wanted him to see
I hated him

I drove that knife through my arm
scars are gone
eraser burns still stand
my life without love
is an evil rotten apple
I say this slowly but hope
you see one day
You were nothing
But a young hurt
I thank you for the beatings
They showed I was strong but depressed
My mother was stupid
And all you were was
A old man with a drinking problem

how about an aftermath of a failed suicide? an old poem written in 2009.

------
"and see what you find"


I wake up today in a body
too big to fit,
and things adjust differently
to my sight now,
there are clothes that are no longer
familiar to taste
and the lines on my hand are glowing.

I wake up to a clock
spun 24 hours for what
feels like ten years
already, and I am drained;
my eyes are hidden from
nights of pain
and one night running from it.

I wake up today and am I
who I was before - ?

I wake up today to
a house of secrets, a chest
of silence with my legs
cold and
numb from clenching my toes tight as I
scream awake from nightmares
conjured by myself
and the lines on my hand are showing.

I wake up today to pretense
and uncertainty, I can only
figure out why I am
weak; my hair is torn from
my wrenching fingers and my heart
is drowned with the
overflowing tears that spill like
words I cannot utter.

I feel like the sheets are of
a hue unlike yesterday's,
wrapping me now in
a darker shade of
blur,
I wake up today in a
world I have ruined
because the lines on my hand are real.

Song of Suicide

When is a song not a song?
When it's spoken not sung?
When you can't sing along?
When a person is hung?

I'm going to sing a song,
A sad song of suicide.
You're gonna sing along.
You might try to hide,

But there's no escaping misery,
Of the tears in your eyes.
Your affected before you can flee.
You can try to only spout lies.

But agony will consume your heart.
You will fall to your knees.
Your soul will shatter apart,
And scream remorseful pleas.

You will sing along to the melody.
You will never get away.
Your eyes will cry tragedy,
As you sing what I say.

"Rope hanging down,
From the ceiling over head.
The chair hits the ground.
Now look she's dead.

Blade in hand,
Tears rolling down his cheek.
Loneliness is quick sand.
Life became so bleak.

Pills plug the drain,
She emptied the bottle.
She couldn't escape pain.
Her heart on full throttle.

Falling so far down,
He watches the sky,
Waiting for his body to hit the ground,
And so he might die."

This song of suicide,
Wraps around you;
Don't you try to die,
Before the song is through.

Why Must It Only Be Your Point?


People speak of their own moments without a feeling of the empty personality that must receive such news that, of course, can never be fully repressed despite expert advice.

It is only a matter of judgment proposed by the unclear reasons by Ax Ishmael when the time came to accompany the audience with an equally widespread and caring motive to hear your point that will never make much sense to others, or so they only care for the sake of you.

This is not a libel for that time has already passed within deeper projects, but you, whoever chooses to care, should understand that it is not life that grants you the descriptions that absolutely must be known by a plural population of heart-beating clock hands with confusion, it is you for the life that you so must lead in debatable envy because it is unknown to you.

Silver Bullet in my Head

Stupid piece of shit
You fucking monster
What the fuck do you want?
Why can’t you leave me
The hell alone
I guess it’s my fault
Since I let you in
And you felt so good
But I can’t take it anymore
You make my hair wet
From sweat
    Saliva
    Tears
I’m rotting
   My brain
      Mush
      Shit
      Putty
I just want my skin to stop crawling
Please monster please
Leave me be
STOP TAKING OVER
ST...
 
Hello dear
It's me
Your best and everlasting friend
The Monster
C’mon your starving me
Let me have just a little
Your fever is spiking
Don’t you want me?
Almost like a cock
Deep down your throat
You bitch
You fucking slut
Go
Go buy a score
Let me hit it
You know you want a taste
Just like me
I want some too
Can you feel it?
Don’t you feel me...
 
Maybe just one
One hit
One more high
Let me soar
Seep through every
Nook and Cranny
In my body...
 
Yes...YES
Oh sweet love
That’s it
I feel it
You do too, don’t you boo?
Better than getting fucked
Because you’re getting
Skull Fucked Senseless
 
You Beast
Creature
Monster
Creeping up my throat
Your fingers inside
My nose
Covering my wind pipe
I can’t breathe straight
I need food
Just one last meal
Maybe a cold bullet
Can put an end to you
Monster
This is the last time
You’re finally coming to be ended
Get out of my head
Before I...
 
Kill me KILL ME
Stupid bitch
Put that fucking gun
In your mouth
Pull the trigger
You whore
You don’t have the guts...
 
SHUT UP!!!
I squeeze
Everything is spinning
Black
...warm
...No...More....
....Monster...

Wasting away day by day,
No way I'd take my life away,
Though day by day my waist wastes away,
I still pray I'll find my way.
I don't wish to die,
I wish for life,
To look up forever at the beautiful sky,
To fill my life,
To end the miserable lies
That take place behind my aging eyes.
When I think of the end,
I think of a dead end,
I don't pretend there will be salvation
Or heaven,
I pretend life is a long lesson,
A place to learn everything
To share with my brethren,
So that it may continue on forever.
So, although living may be painful,
Life is still my pleasure,
If I could, I would too continue on forever.

Mad Girl’s Suicide
By H. E. Riddleton
(Hannah E. Reed)

The mirror lies, the mirror lies
It can only know the surface
A sparkle in mine eyes
But behind these eyes,
It cannot know what’s beneath them.
A broken mind, a broken mind,
Fractured by a delusion,
Look what’s inside, what’s inside
Beneath this concubine,
A shell of permeance
I scream “the lie, the lie”,
The mirror breaks just in time
Right on cue for my misery.
I take the shards into my heart
Oh, how they match within their pieces!
To think I’d ever find, ever find
Someone to nurture this thing inside,
It seers and spears out my eyes
You dare not know what lies
Beneath them.
A world inside, a world gone blind
Like the mirror misery
I’ll never find, never find
Someone to keep me alive,
To protect me from the Empty
INSIDE.
To make me not know my ways
Of suicide, oh sweet waves!
I must die, I must die!
It is now time to say goodbye...
After all, who could love a
Mad Girl?

While the animals were sleeping..

His love
was above
the pain
from the
stained glass
and aftermath
of abuse

he cradled me
while disabling
reasons..

he'd say
shhhhhhhh
the animals love you
and if you stop crying
they'll come
and sing to us

I

inhaled his breath
and believed that
if I breathe invitation
i'd hear
the wild wolves
howl while they prowled
around us..

He said..
it's not us they hunger
they seek the thunder
under the same sins and stars

I

felt special
and for just a few minutes
felt the devils arms around me..

I

believe that
the rain washes us clean.

then one day
early

too early

jesse was alone
the animals were sleeping
as it rained

he blamed himself
for the health
of a sick earth

got the bible
and his gun

closed his eyes and sung
to god.

as we scurried the floor
to gather his brains
and tried piecing his head
back together

i

sat back against the wall
and tasted the blood
of an angel

my finger still lingers
the scent

Insanity Lied

INSANITY WHY?! Do you insist on Embracing
me as though That's what you're Supposed to do?!
You lead me in a Malevolent fashion To believe
that there is Comfort
in allowing you
To bathe me in your false glow?
Well insanity...
I need you to listen and,
Hear with un-muddied ears;
Focus on the words that pour
Fluidly from my bent mind.
In your embrace,
I have searched for solace
From a world cold and cruel.
But, your bosom wasn't warm.
You aren't comforting, and
Definitely do nothing
To ease my pain.
Every time, in you I confide,
I find myself
Roaring forth in a stentorian cry
That dissolves all matter,
Down to a quantum level,
For when a soul weeps
The sound is not
Of this realm and
Would shatter every eardrum
Within 100 miles.
Insanity, you are NOT!!
My fucking friend!
You are not the best for me!!
You led me astray
In more than one way,
And whispered in my ear,
The nonsense that I hear
That drives this man, mad.
Drilling in my mind,
A paranoia so profound That,
Rather than to speak of it,
I bottle and cork that shit
In an act of rebellion.
I DEFY YOU STARS!!
I DEFY YOU MOON!!
I defy you healthy means of
The suspension from this...
Emotional retention,
As my mind soars and reels,
There's more than I can mention,
From feelings I think I don't feel
To craziness locking my soul,
In an emotional detention!!
FUCK YOU INSANITY!!
You lied to me and booted me hard
To the edge of a bottomless void of eternity.
The only stop known during the descent,
Is upon the release of my final breath,
And when I smack with a thud,
It's cause I'm no more.
ALL THE WHILE YOU FUCK!!!
In the endless descent,
A sore realization of the ignorance preached by YOU!!
YOU!!! you fucking convinced me of!!
I should've accepted the embrace
Of the one I truly needed.
Insanity you son of a bitching bastard!!
Denied me of the only
Comfort I've ever truly felt!!
I fucking defy you, and deny you,
And curse you insanity,
You cruel fucking mistress,
For turning me away from the
Purest warmth, radiated,
Soft as silk bosom where I truly belong!!
But, guess what fuck head?!
This is me.
In truest of form letting you know,
As I turn my back to the edge of the void,
Since regaining my balance.
These are my hands,
Middle fingers fully extended
Without looking back.
I see past your forked tongue poison!!
Because, whispering in my other ear
All along,
Was the voice of an Angel.
Her purest melody
Stabbed your screech with
The double edged sword of unconditional love.
So, check this out, sanity slayer.
Fool me once, shame on you...
Fool me twice, shame on me...
Fool me again? Guess what?
I guess I'm crazy since,
The definition of crazy is,
Doing the same thing,
Time and again and
Expecting different results.. Touche..
But listen good and hard you shit,
For I'll say it only once.
One voice rings louder,
Purer, more fluid and flawless than yours.
That of my Saint of a Wife.
Because of you, un-sound mind...
I almost lost forever
The only person for whom,
I truly desire to better myself.
You caused to cut with cruel disregard,
The heart from my chest.
And, when I drew back
For a fast ball pitch....
"I"...
With force,
Arm thrust forward, in a pitcher's stance...
"Love"...
And a fraction of a second
From release...
"You", fluidly into my ear canal...
And, with the inertia
From my almost pitch,
Gripping tight my reason for life,
The purpose for my next breath,
I crumble in a heap,
To the ground.
And, guess what?
As I lay prone,
Sobbing like a newborn baby,
That just lost his first born
The day after his Grandmother died,
Guess who was there,
Comforting this broke down palace
In an Angel's, warm embrace?
My soul mate.
My Queen of a Wife.
The very heart I was a minuscule fraction
Of a second, from throwing away.
So, insanity.
The last attention I will
Ever afford you, is this.
My eyes are open...
(to her purity)
My ears are clear...
(receiving her voice, so pure)
And my heart back in place,
With my soul revived,
By a love you could never provide.
Fuck off insanity.
Fuck off.




In this style

You don't understand the dynamics,
You don't know what takes to make me tick.
The bullshit that bombards my brain
And make me mentally sick.
You assume I'm conceited,
And think i think its all about me.
Time and again it's repeated,
And that is all that you see.
I don't see it when it happens
It's all a blur to me,
All I do is sadden,
My aim is trying to please.
This is the crazy that plagues me,
That pushes me down and breaks me,
That pushed away my exwife,
And makes her fear for her safety.
Like sand through my hands,
I feel so much slipping.
My wife and my time,
My breath and my life.





Daisies and dafodiles snd sunshine n shit..

Uncaged.
The beast of Avalon
thrashes a still
caged up me
with my soul in the restraints
of
everyday hum drum...
society's standard reality...
Arms and legs tethered
in classic hog tie style
with rope of heart ache
and a gag of fuck the world insight
blinded by the lights...
let loose in my brain
a feeling of wanton disregard
of future calamity
brought on by life as a
tortured on the wrack
soul
As soulfully my essence
lets loose a guttoral release,
screaming
painfully for a solace
that seems never to come.
Soon calm..
and as the slug travels in slow motion through the grey matter,
time stops
(or what we perceive as time)
and the soul's release
of restraints
as if removed upon the last breath
of mortal enslavement
to
this wretched brokedown palace
of a temple...
Essence evacuated from its earthly encampment, a slight pause
to witness the color drain from my now,
at ease
not so rigor face,
my me feels release..
A lyrical suicide of epic proportions
Befalls an american fuckup..

Intricate B

Dead to the world!Darkness surrounds me.
Voices in my head of thoughts of a better life.
Life troubles weighing me down.
Pills can't take away my pain.
Grey clouds gather over my head as if to welcome me into heavenly rest.


On the inside there is a hole that can't be filled .
Anger and  pain is all I know .
Is there a better life out there?
Long sleeves covers slit wrists, that never seem to heal.
I need to run away .
Smiling on the outside but dying slowly on  the inside.


Angel of death came knocking on my door .
I must now leave this pain I feel inside.
She took me by the hand as my wrist bled slowly leaving evidence of torture.
On the bathroom floor.
Death's sting is not that bad after all.
A trail of warm blood runs down the bathroom sink.
And I am no more .
Finally my wondering is at rest .
Now I am at peace

The late Dr. Abram Hoffer cured schizophrenia, primarily with massive doses of niacin. You have the Internet. The information is there.

  I wake up in a pool, but it's not a swimming pool—it's a pool of vomit. My arms are bound by invisible bands so as to keep me from swimming to dryer bedding. Vomit has become my captor from which (or from whom) there are no reprieves, no hearings, no plea bargains, no appeals. I try to reason with it, the vomit. I say: “Hey vomit, how's 'bout lettin' me go?” & “You're lookin' good today.” But it's to no avail—vomit doesn't care, vomit isn't a Boy Scout.

Lost and hopeless: As I sit here feeling hopeless and lost sometimes wishing somebody would blow me up like when a grenade is tossed having dreams of dying hoping that when I die someone other than my family will be crying by my side but I know that I will always be alone getting stoned hoping one day that someone will blast me with their chrome with my brains all over the floor like a pimp does to his ugliest whore wondering what to live life for with these emotions I turned evil to the core watching cartel videos but I still want more hoping i'll see real life gore like a butcher in a meat store hearing demons screaming for more I try to ignore but i'm a lost cause like a bitch trying to get pregnant with menopause so when I die i'll go straight to hell but this is where I deserve to dwell so all I have left to say is fair well