aftermath of addiction

Pretty pink pills  
so pale pretty pink  
Round and round you go  

Tragedy before, tears fall
Heart break, lungs constrict  
stoic peace after, abstract  

Outside looking in  
Time marches on, duty to be done  
 
In the times between times  
while all slumber I wake  
Mind whirling, cognizant  
body shaking, uselessly begging  
for repose no longer given

 
I remember making that call,
When I finally found you again,
I can still recall hearing your voice,
You broke down –
    With a hallelujah and an amen.

I couldn’t believe it when I saw you,
You had turned into an old man,
But I was happy that we found you,
As you hobbled –
   I didn’t really comprehend.

I had imagined you somewhat different,
As you had been thirteen years before,
But the things which happened to you,
Took away so much –
     All that you loved and more.

The good word had always taught me,
To honor they father and so I forgave,
It was heartbreaking to see you this way,
You had lost your vigor –
     One step closer to the grave.

You missed on the births of grandbabies,
But at least you made to the last one,
I always knew you were a good man,
But the mistakes made –
     Just seemed to weigh a ton.

All the things that life took away,
Were the consequences of addiction,
But it also took you away from us,
Your health suffered –
     With this chronic affliction.

…

I can’t believe what I see in the mirror,
I’ve become the spitting image of you,
Now I understand it a bit clearer,
Our time together –
     Was even more precious and true.

Sometimes when I look at old photographs,
I wish I could hear your voice in return,
Or in dreams filled with memories,
But all I can do –
     Is say hey and waive at your urn.

Bile in my mouth
My mind isnt right
Im sick all the time
Life isnt great
Addiction lurks
Like a shadowed cloak of fate
Im insane with the urges
I finally vomit it purges
But my smile it wavers
Nobody doin me any favors

Im in a situation
My only job is living
But my memories
are far from forgiving
It doesnt mean i will use
I write the need my only muse
I search crazily for something
That eases my pain
But just eating makes me sick
Please give me strength
When all around im hurting

Dieing  inside i sit in constant
Darkness trying to hide
It kills my pride
The monster inside
Rears its ugly head
Id be better off
If i could just climb into bed
But i sit in this darkness instead
I just want to pound my head
Against a wall untill unconscious i fall

At the beginning
I drank
To be cool
I drank
To be amongst my friends
I drank
To just to fit in
And then....
I drank more than my friends
They looked at me
Like I was doing the most
So I searched
For heavier drinkers
No longer friends I needed
But more like
Beggars and users
I found
So I drank
All by myself
A working drunk
I became
Leave work
Get a couple beers for the road
Then get some fifths
Before I went home
I drunk myself away
No longer trusting anyone
Not even myself
I'd wake up
After a few minutes of passing out
Grab my bottle
And instantly curse out
One hundred percent sure
Someone drunk my liquor
But only I
Occupied my home
So I started hiding
My bottles from myself
Mentally
I was definitely losing it
Spending more
On liquor I couldn't find
I drank
My sanity away
DUI's and PI's
Promising to do better
But repeating my sins
Insane
Doing the same
With the same result
Alcohol made me insane
Until I realized
I couldn't drink no more

you were the best of me
for a little while
and i thought
we'd break on through,
you and me,
the way we moved,
light
but solid,
your smile
cool on my lips
and fingers
like an angel's in my hair
and the worst of everything
tucked away,
the world
suddenly small enough
to fit in my pocket
and goddamn, sweet thing,
we didn't
give a shit
for any of it

but it's common knowledge
it don't last,
that you always take
more than give
and turn gold to shit
and bleed your lovers
in the worse goddamned way
and sure enough
that's what you did
every time
'til there was almost
nothing left
but me
sick
and lonely
and always broke
and damn, baby,
i just
wanted
you gone

and even now
with all these years
between us
you come around
talking shit,
making me think
it'll be okay
just once
for the good times
like the old days
when you held
my head in your
sweet lap
and stroked
and cooed
and loved me up
'til i thought I was king
and could do no wrong

but here i sit,
just another old man
with his face glued to the wall
hoping for the strength
to make one more
weary day
without you

I had a nightmare last night.
I got into a fight over a bet and...
I stabbed my best friend Ben.
I quickly ran into my car and drove off.
I was driving so fast out of fear,
I hit a pregnant woman crossing the road.
I heard her loud screams but...
I didn't wait.
I only drove faster.
I eventually stopped to catch my breath.
I then picked up a random girl on the road.
I ended up in her place and we made love.
"Ouch" My head hurts so bad,
What a messed up dream.
Thank God am awake.
Wait?!... where is this place?...
Why is there blood on my shirt?!...
Shit! The random girl from my dream just walked in.
Was my nightmare....
Real?
Did I have too many bottles last night?
Or am I still dreaming?...
Oh God,
Someone, anyone...
Please wake me up.

Let me breathe cause I'm steaming
Nowadays it seems like it's every fucking evening
Look me  in the eyes and say you're stopping after leaving
Cause honestly my dude I wanna kick your fucking teeth in
 
Everything I can say, I had that shit repeating
Only thing that's left to do is give your ass a beating
I mean it bro, I love you, but this shit is killing both of us
Got me at your throat, going toe to toe, no holding up
 
Even though you're broke, and you cost your folks a fortune
you keep on fucking up, guess your mistakes ain't taught you
Thought you might be stronger after all those heart-to-hearts
Giving you support tryna get you on the right path
 
Leading by example, giving up my habits
Don't you get me wrong, I get this task is hard to manage
But maybe if I showed you how much better shit could be
Within the need to give in to those evil tendencies
 
You might find the strength to leave it for a weekend, just this once
Fuck this beating round the bush shit, my point should be more blunt
You're a fucking cunt for what you're doing to yourself my dude
These last few fucking months it's like not even you respects you
 
I have no control over anything that you do,
But do this shit again, I don't know what the fuck I'll do dude
I had you're back from day one
We'd roll it up and blaze some
Joking till the day done
You've always been my main one
 
I ain't fucking gay son but I'd give my life for you
I'd overdose on coke, just to motherfucking spite you
You've always been a nice dude
Till that look inside your eyes grew
From let's enjoy the night, to
I need another line, just make me feel alive
This shit just ain't right
If you fuck with it again?
You might just lose a friend
 
I ain't fucking with a crackhead for another fucking day
Look me in the face so I know you feel my pain
It's on your fucking brain every hour of the day
If it kills you, all I'd say is: what a fucking waste
 
Hardest instrumentals
Bars are fucking mental
Hard to comprehend all the harshness that your pen talks
 
I know hardships got you mental feeling tension and a mention
of narcotics cause a problem cause you're hooked in this suspension
Fuck a weapon, have my words
They're straight from out the soul
I'm ending my own life
if you never make it grown, yeah it's cold
 
This my letter to my bro
I just had to let you know, you know?