Loss

I found you again    
the other day  
but not in the way    
I would have imagined    
    
Cleaning out my place    
lowering down my face    
on its soft brown invite    
trapped there    
   
In between that sweet then    
and this salty hollow now    
wondering how    
long it has truly been    
   
Closing my dampening eyes    
quelling remembered sighs    
as I breathed in    
most deep ...    
   
Sauvage's peppery charms    
now tight within my arms    
as I embraced brown alpaca    
   
holding you once again    
   
 

At her dads got back her favorite Place
hair still soaking wet from the beach

Doesn’t look at ease like normally
Silent till she said she has a question
That Had me thinking universe over
She said I'm might be drunk

But my minds all made up
that’s when I asked her
Why would you want to end your life
Told me If it doesn't happen tonight,
it'll happen another time,

Can you make it look like a murder
So I won't be judged
by the people that I love
And when god comes a knocking
I'll tell him what happened
Say it was a favor  
You helped
You’re my savior  
when your final day comes
I can return the favor

I just wanna end this,
silent fight
My god, you know he won't
let me pass gates,
if I end my fate
Other than tanning,
hell isn’t a good fit for me
she joked to make me feel better
And Convinced me
I shouldn’t have let her

We hold hands walking Upstairs
I prep the bathroom
Testing water for the perfect temp
Thoughts rush through my head
the tubs full as the door pulls

She’s wearing the Same two piece
from this morning
I started crying With early mourning
I love her so much
So afraid of life without her
My words stutter to convince her

She shut me up with a last kiss
Then Took my hands to her neck  
Now she’s in the bathtub
Head under the water
I read her lips past the bubbles
her last words were I love you

Can you make it look like a murder
So I won't be judged
by the people that I love
And when god comes a knocking
I'll tell him what happened
Say it was a favor
You helped
You’re her savior
when your final day comes
I can return the favor

Didnt want time to move because now
I’m here dressed in black
sharing memories With her family
Looking at her face
that peaks from the box
As the pastor speaks

Her Memory Colors the sky
Her laugh echoes from
somewhere up high
I see Her everywhere
I see her above the casket  
She’s Thanking me
And finally happy
i feel selfish To pray
for her to come back down
From her cloud for a last kiss

Following your birth
You survived three shorts days on earth  
Not long enough to work or play,
nor celebrate your first birthday
Nine months safe in mums tum
The ultrasound difficult to fathom  
 
Doctor’s held little hope of your  survival
Your mum and dad could only wait!
 
A special gift from above, 
long-awaited and very much loved 
Born perfect, ten fingers and toes
Inheriting your mother’s nose
With odds stacked against you from the start,
developing complexities with your heart
Specialists flew you to a distant state
Your mum and you would have to separate
You continued to fight,
 waiting for your mum's flight
Finally, safe in her arms,   
you rested your perfect head  
Your mum and dad whispered a final goodbye
My heart broke, seeing them cry
Knowing  your family was finally reunited
Your eyes closed, and you departed
Your parents have faith,
into heaven, you will ascend,  
the beginning of your life was not the end
You will shine bright like a star
Meeting you was my greatest honor
Goodbye, Ethan Jay
We will meet again, at heaven's gateway

I came back to an amber reckoning  
tactile with grievances;  
masked announcements
hovering in midair,  
replacing hummingbirds.  
 
The fields lacked in nectar,  
discouraging wildflowers;  
bulldozed under land  
bearing dense, useless grass.  
Butterflies unreturning  
like fallow yesterdays  
to shallow tomorrows,  
grounded in unhastening,  
carried on an updraft:  
There it goes.  
 
I rise too, surfacing like  
a buried relic, unearthing from  
my own entombment,  
where have I been all this time,  
I can't remember it all now,  
but that yesterday had a rosy glow  
and was prosperous.  
 
Today it is brash  
in floating uncertainties.  
I lose myself there like an  
old, dead friend, the grief stale,  
unpropitious, unreturned  
yet not received by anyone.  
 
I let it go like a sudden, deep breath  
that no one hears;  
it is an exhalation of my dreams  
which float away, light as air.  
I'm sure they are replaceable  
like a million identical mosquitos;  
I'm sure they will endure somehow.  
 
Hurried people spin about from a distance;  
I don't feel a part of it though I'm sure  
their affairs are palpable and  
full of adroit direction.  
 
My vagueries befit more a retroactivity,  
my thoughts an eddy among  
swiftly flowing currents  
leading to some foreign land we are  
ignorant of as yet, though it lies  
just around the bend.  
That is believed if not surely preached  
in every sunlit moment  
arrived at in struggle.  
 
I would rather remain in bewilderment,  
suspense or just dumbfounded,  
drowsing in distant, muffled cacophanies;
tiny worlds imploding  
as if they never registered in any real way.  
They are little yesterdays saying goodbye  
with each breath as they float away.  
 
My perspective deepens in such reconnaissance  
as if memory was enough to ensure emancipation  
from fates unknowns  
or those created by ones  
who don't want to recall  
the unlandscaped, chaotic mass  
that was a field  
of wildflowers.  
 
        .....