Write What You know

I didn't want to believe in our love
Because I knew it would go down in flames
You fought really hard for my commitment
Until I gave it to you, then you discarded me
Translation: You threw me out
But kept my heart, my bones on the roadside
Fresh kill
Bleed out in the love ghetto

The joke's on you though babe
I always come back
With scars but smarter
Next time just prostitutes
Transactions consummated
No fault love loss
Everyone wins, no tumors, no malignancy

I used to be
So gentle, so sweet
Innocent, naive,
Believing I was tough
With my heart on my sleeve

Yes, I was tough
From my father's whippings
And my mother's suicidal irrationality
But fuck, if only I knew what was to come

When I got roped in
I was a loner, a bookworm, an observer
Yet I put on the facade
And suddenly the fake it til you make it
Saying made sense to me
She invited me out, and for once I said yes

Cigarettes, drunken late night drives,
Trespassing, climbing fire escape ladders,
Breaking into buildings, taunting cops
Excitement began to pump constantly in my veins
I couldn't stand being home anymore
An addiction like any other

However
While chasing these highs, you
Begin
To feel your wings burning, falling
You hit the ground after flying along stars
A shooting star that shatters into a fiery, bittersweet
Ocean

That year

I felt smoke in my lungs for the first time
After nodding to the anti commercials and teen warnings
Quickly loving the dizziness and escape
I had my first kiss
On a rooftop, high
And frightened
I found both my first experience drunk
As well as my first blackout
Which resulted in more scars along my back
And a destructive coping method
I lost my virginity
To the boy I kissed first, a monster in disguise
My sheets soaked in alcohol and blood
His hand covering my mouth to hide my cries
And wails of pain
Only a wall separating us from my father's room
I went through my first heartbreak
Over the boy who brought me back from the dead
After the night
But then betrayed, betrayed and lied
I shattered my relationship with my father
His anger becoming more violent,
Locking me out, choking, control
Standing outside my window laughing
As he drilled nails into it

Yet,
That year

I felt my first genuine friendship,
Finding a person I love like family
And would never betray
I had my first love,
Teaching me what it is
The selflessness, the beauty, the depth
I found myself
Growing into who I was
My ideals, my values, even when
They differed so greatly from those
Who surrounded me
I lost my laziness, my shyness,
Never again afraid to be who I am,
To dance and sing when no one else can hear
My music
I went through experiences
That altered, changed me
And now
It takes more than one arrow to bring me down
I shattered my world
And rebuilt it

Learning that life is not living
If you never experience

I'm like the seasons,
I change from time to time,
You never understood me,
Chin up full of pride.

When summer came,
You had fun in the sun,
You played all day, from dusk till the day was done.
When summer came to an end and autumn stepped in,
You danced in my leaves, like it was a festival of colors.
But while you were out galloping among the flowers, I began to wither.

Winter came, you stayed indoors,
I became faded, everything was ice cold.
The thing that kept you close,
Was no more,
Every time I reached out, you'd shut the doors.

Confined in this bark, is a heart that became cold,
When spring came,
I sprouted no vibrant leaves for a soul.
Years have passed,
And I'm still here,
Here in the dark,
Consumed by past fears.