Before & After

I was looking for nothing more than an
Escape from my first heartbreak and
Adult life. Then it took one scan
And look from head to foot. We stand
On other sides of the spectrum, but
We were drawn together with the same
Interests and wanting to escape this rut.
Somehow it became a twisted game.
 
I was no longer interested in someone  
Who was going to keep me back from
My dreams. I was way too naïve to run
Away until I was only becoming the scum
In your eyes. I somehow went from being
The girl who meant something to you
To being the one that you are fleeing
And escaping from. You were looking to  
Take advantage of some other weak
And helpless girl. The superhero cape
Fooled everyone. The sky seemed bleak
For a while, but I was able to escape
From your hold on me and living my
Life. I knew that you never once cared
About all the tears I used to cry
Over you. I was foolish to have shared  
A part of myself with you. I cannot get
That back but I had to forgive and in
The end I really wanted to forget
It all. You took my life for a spin.
 
Like a roller coaster I was glad to be
Able to get off before I got any more
Nauseous. It took a while to see
Things clearly, but every sore
Has healed since then. I never miss
Any part of that, going from hot
To cold and being in the abyss.
Darling, I knew that it was a shot
In the dark and nothing but a small
Fuse to extinguish. My worst mistake
But I learned. Darling, you left me all
Bloody and all messed up, but the ache
Is gone. The laughter and smiles are
Back. The pain in the heart and mind
Has been erased. The truth is that I bar
Or anyone else from making me that blind.
 
I was too afraid to get in touch with
My feelings and emotions. I choked  
On the truth and swallowed every myth.
You were the one who always joked
Around instead of taking things seriously.
I chose in that moment to believe in myself.
I was no longer centered around you deliriously.
I was not afraid to put myself on that shelf.

.              
A love afar I couldn't touch.       
     
That told me everything      
I wanted to know      
but never asked because      
he always told me before I could.      
     
Then went beyond.      
Revealing much more      
from the roadkill of his past.      
Leaving nothing to the imagination.      
     
What every part of his maleness      
loved to do;      
the pillaging       
of every part of a woman.      
     
Ambushing me in the moment.      
Annihilating the intent.      
Leaving me supine on a desolate road      
silently begging for an ambulance.      
     
While all his words tasted      
like blood in my mouth,      
bringing out the nurse in me    
and then the animal.      
     
Each time, I wanted to be included      
but I wasn't qualified      
because I never knew his pain.      
The abuse and the sick of his life.      
     
But I knew love, and I imagined      
if I could be that kind of sick,      
to share in its dysfunction;      
the days of wine and roses.      
     
A love gone twisted and putrid,  
           one-sided and envied.              
             
           
             
(photo: public domain)