Make an advertisement

open to a vote if it gets enough responses

ONLY RULE:
please do not use an old poem you wrote if it is clearly not an attempt to sell something.

Famous People in different jobs [ episode I ] Robin Williams

....what if famous people didn't become famous and had to work in the real world....this is my take on that....episode I Robin Williams selling S&M supplies on QVC....


      Hello Ladies & ungentle creatures..you have too be or you wouldn't be here watching me right now....my name is Robin Williams and BOY do i have some deals for you...S&M like you've never seen before all at an affordable price.....straight from the house de Sade ...whether you want collars gags shackles or harnesses we've got it all for you....does her screaming scare the school children on the playground  just outside of your bedroom window? we got you covered...with this all new ball-gag..guaranteed not to let out a peep.....whats that Lassie ...Timmy fell down the well again...well lets keep him there this time with our trusty dusty expandable man-hole cover...wanna beat her like that horse that lost the triple crown and cost you your summer house & vacation...well we've got that too...from riding crops to floggers ,paddles & whips...oh my ...riding crops floggers paddles & whips...riding crops floggers paddles & whips...your most definitely not in Kansas anymore Dorothy .and if you are  just a beginner we've got just the book for you...Captain Jacks guide to 101 sure fire rope knots she is guaranteed not to get out of....and for the experienced master The seductive art of Japanese rope bondage...just remember..an hour later and your going to want to tie her up all over again..
..does she like her nipples twisted...well we've got a clover clamp that will twist that sucka right off for ya [ AAHHHHHH!!!] quiet now dear, i'm trying to sell these nice people something
....see ...should have had the ball gag....you'll be able to carry that thing around and suck on it whenever you please {suck suck] like i am doing right now...thank you dear...we've got everything from blindfolds &belts to slings & swings...and it can all be yours today ...not for a thousand dollars...hell not even for a hundred dollars ...no today i can give you all of this.for the low low price of 99.99 ...you even get a one year subscription to Hogged & Tied..BDSM in the bedroom...a 12.95 value absolutely free....and if you act right now i will also throw in a one year membership to Bound to the glory hole..the no # 1 dating site for BDSM enthusiasts....don't worry if you look like ..Jocelyn Wildenstein on a bad day...your going to have a hood on your face anyway.....

AUTO-PROMOTION

Sorry I’m late, I’ve just hopped off the plane,
Was summoned for skills that have brought me much fame

I was in Greenland. Yes really, an unusual place to go,
Because I’m the best salesmen in the world, you know

Why was I there? Well, selling snow of course,
Snow! I know, their most common natural resource

To the Eskimos nonetheless, they bought a truckload,
I’ve a new product for you, your mind’s gonna explode.

It’s young, fresh, exciting, fun, playful and stunning,
You better snap up this deal now before it goes running

Buy it, you’ll be the talk of the town - I promise you,
I’ve got others in wait, trust me it’s true

This product can dance, this product can sing,
In fact, this product can do most anything

This product can clean, this product can knit
Whatever you want, this product can do it

It’s ready right now, you can have it right away,
And it could be yours if you only just pay

Every dream that you had, every pleasure fulfilled,
No need for refunds, because you’ll be thrilled

In fact, there’s no end to its possibilities,
It’s goal, aim and objective is just to please

Honestly, it really is the ultimate prize,
Make a demand and watch as it complies,

What more do you want? What else to advertise?
What dreams do you have? Just fantasise…

Speak them aloud and it will leap into action
What does it look like? I hope I meet your satisfaction

I’m selling myself, I’m the product you see,
Name the price and forever yours I will be

I’m made only just to submit to your will,
Any option is yours: fuck, marry or kill

I’m one of a kind, a willing slave for sale,
Buy me now, snap me up. Let me be your fairytale.

The Handy Dandy Perfect Man

Hello! Thanks for coming ladies, cmon! Let's go make a perfect man!

To make your own perfect man ladies, you will need the finger nails of a nice guy.
And the pubic hairs of a bad boy..

The finger nails the nice guy dug into you, not letting go, when you wanted other men.
He held tight when alll you cared about were the things that made you, you, you, happy in life...
He was there for you when you were screwing the bad boys lights out,
And then cried over him.
To the nice guy.
He was the one who picked you up after you had the root canal and took you to the bad boys house, because even though you should have been home recovering, you were suspicious he was fucking someone else, and he never came home!
Didn't hear from him until the next day. He made you feel crazy and obsessed by calling and thinking something was wrong instead...
And didn't call you for days after.
And the nice guy let you cry on his shoulder.
Yes, he hung on tight with those nails and never let you go.

Grind them into a fine white powder ladies! With the Handy Dandy grinder you purchased with the ticket to this show!
Give your selves a round of applause Ladies!!!

(Round of applause.)

Now take out the pubic hairs of the bad boys!
We love those bad boys, and we love those pubes don't we ladies!  
He left those in your bed,
And the bed of your best girlfriend remember ladies? Yes!
Remember her? No! Because you haven't talked to her since he got her sloppy drunk and screwed her in a Taco Bell parking lot!
But we forgave him because he cried, and we have never seen him be emotionally vulnerable before,
So that tug at our heart strings!
Remember how awesome it was to have him need you?!
And those pretty crocodile tears got his tight, cute little ass out of trouble!
We love that tight ass don't we ladies!
And we love that dick don't we!  
Let's give that tight little round adorable ass, and big old dick a big Handy Dandy round of applause!!

(Round of applause.)

Now ladies, let's grind up the pubes with the Handy Dandy!
Just toss them in with the finger nails,
Yes! Good ladies!

And 1, 2, 3!!!!
(GRRRR!! Of the Handy Dandy.)
Yay!!
Isn't it lovely?
Like salt and pepper!!!

Now ladies, take the Salt and Pepper mix in the palm of your hand...
That's it! Ready....
Blow!

Written by calamitygin (Jennifer Michael McCurry)

Excuse me,
You there, yes you!

Are you gullible?
Having a mid-life crisis?
Tired of watching millions of unsatisfying advertisements
That use bad tactics
unrealistic standards
And questions upon questions like the one you're reading right now?

Well,
now you can watch
These same ads, but instead of falling asleep in between "The batchelor"
You can now look foward to watching your own ad too!

Yes that's right, you there!
Between ads for middle aged men wanting to date foxy women, to advertisements about selling advertisements, you can try to sell
Absolutely anything!
These tv watchers are chumps!
And I'll only charge you a total of $3,000 for giving you this idea!
(With a tax price of $589)

*BUT WAIT*

There's more!

For a limited time only, i'll throw in two ideas
For the price of three!!

You better call quick
before we sell out!

I am digging them all so far!!! one thing i find to be very interesting is no one has provided a price! Obviously, it is not a requirement of this competition, but i think it is kind of strange that no one is price dropping!

<3

ANNOUNCING DEEP UNDERGROUND'S FIRST PRINTED POETRY ANTHOLOGY

Attention One!
Attention All!
Attention to Everyone
Who Loves Poetry
Like a Drunk Likes
Drinking Alcohol!

Announcing the first ever
Deep Underground
Poetry Anthology
From world's greatest poets
That are both smart and sexy

Available in print
And online
You can order it
From Kindle, Barnes & Noble
Or Amazon anytime

So don't tarry
Better not wait
Place your order
Before it's to late

And please note:
All proceeds from
Deep Underground's Poetry Anthology
Will be used to exterminate
Corporate monopolies

lol I'm sold, when do we meet?😅

Global Warning

It's winter and it's cold just now
Some of you deep in snow
Winds and rain a storming,
We need some Global Warming.

Just tell the oilmen to go ahead
Frack and drill with no dread
Ignore the cries of caution
The result will be awesome.

Subscribe to these bold ideas
Don't worry if it ends in tears
The rest of the world must be wrong
That's what made America strong

The temperature will rise by the year
Cold winters will fail to appear
Summers will be very hot
Air con will solve that spot.

Trump will give the go ahead
Regardless of what others need
Poorer nations can starve and fry;
'America First' we heard him cry

Gentlemen here's your chance
Not only do our girls dance
Reveal all that clothes may hide
But they offer more beside

For a fee you can go
To their beds, down below
There they offer what you will
And garantee to give a thrill

A NEW WORLD AWAITS!

Be the first in line to become Martiankind
A spectacular journey to a distant land
an opportunity to make a punitive communitive stand
and to leave this old world behind

Be a baron on this fantastic barren wasteland
within an entire sphere of deserted fear  
within a desert of unbreathable atmosphere
in cramped quarters buried in the sand

Be the first to give birth to a Martian child
and witness them grow into a resentful hatred
towards you, the likes of which has never
been experienced on adolescent earth

CREATE YOUR FATES
A NEW WORLD AWAITS

Congrats to usernames_r_lame! Much deserved.

I just wanted to ask if we needed to specify the price in the poem? I didn't realise it was a requirement and I only put something like 'name your price'. I was just curious, no malice meant. I honestly congratulate the winner and respect your choice.