deepundergroundpoetry.com
Screaming At Shadows
Time has long since left you to rot in the ashes
A satirical footnote
What did you hope to gain here
Nothing good could ever come from this
The black hole consumes us all
The light that we hold
Hope never escapes
Drained now your soul weeps
Painful endeavours chased in vain
A lesson never learned
Even when spoon fed the obvious
You still couldn't seal the deal
So simple the task
Caste out now the future
Bleakly holds no insight
What is left to be said?
So easy to fuck yourself up
When you blindly hate something
Agitated boring fool each day comes from sullen sunsets
Sentimentality holds weak
Insanity looms
Screaming at shadows now
Forgotten forbade life
Left to die in the wreckage
A satirical footnote
What did you hope to gain here
Nothing good could ever come from this
The black hole consumes us all
The light that we hold
Hope never escapes
Drained now your soul weeps
Painful endeavours chased in vain
A lesson never learned
Even when spoon fed the obvious
You still couldn't seal the deal
So simple the task
Caste out now the future
Bleakly holds no insight
What is left to be said?
So easy to fuck yourself up
When you blindly hate something
Agitated boring fool each day comes from sullen sunsets
Sentimentality holds weak
Insanity looms
Screaming at shadows now
Forgotten forbade life
Left to die in the wreckage
Published 29th Mar 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 5
reads 568
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
29th Mar 2013 6:41pm
This is the best out of all of your pieces I've read today, because of the following reasons:
1) You've split this one up into stanzas, making it more manageable and easier to read. Helps the flow of the read too.
2) You've stripped the language back. In this one you're not using big words for big words sake. That's good.
What it could do with on a note of improvement, is add some grammar in there, just to help break it up a little. The third line of the fifth stanza is way too long and sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe strip it back to just 'each day, agitated boring fools come,'
There's some good themes here hidden inamongst the puff and fluff. A few tweaks and this would be a nice little read.
1) You've split this one up into stanzas, making it more manageable and easier to read. Helps the flow of the read too.
2) You've stripped the language back. In this one you're not using big words for big words sake. That's good.
What it could do with on a note of improvement, is add some grammar in there, just to help break it up a little. The third line of the fifth stanza is way too long and sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe strip it back to just 'each day, agitated boring fools come,'
There's some good themes here hidden inamongst the puff and fluff. A few tweaks and this would be a nice little read.
29th Mar 2013 7:09pm
Thank you Missy. I really wish I had paid attention in English classes back in the day
30th Mar 2013 3:40am
Awesome read. Sounds like you had a lover who fucked up. I can feel the emotion
30th Mar 2013 7:58am
31st Mar 2013 6:37am
This sounds like my life in a way I could never express..kudos Carpe..peace Crim
