Inject and Forget

Getting high is supposed to make me forget about you and make me generally indifferent towards your existence, it’s not working. The hours following my removal of the needle are plagued with regret and thoughts like, “I miss her and I hate myself for it.” With my dilated pupils unable to withstand the light in my room, I close my eyes and there you are again, staring at me with that look that says, “You’ll never be more than this.”

Reminders of the damage done by this gift you forced me into accepting are everywhere and not even the best dope in the world will allow me to forget. I want to forget about you, what I’ve done and what I’ve yet to get to. My track marks which unavoidably broadcast my loneliness while showing the world how weak I am, my blue tourniquet covered in hearts you drew with red sharpie and this overused sugar spoon you bought for me— even when you’re gone I can’t escape you. The emptiness, my self hatred and all the pathetic attempts I’ve made trying to be someone different.. it feeds these demons inside me and they’re dangerous when fed.

I’m powerless against this self-inflicted darkness and I can’t see a fucking thing. You’re not around to help me add light to those corners of my mind you know I can’t reach. I hope you come back soon, because nothing can change and I’ll be stuck here forever if there’s no one around to climb up into those corners. But maybe it’s better this way, I may not be able to see where I’m going but I can see that guilt in your hands and it’s making your palms filthy.

Stop making messes. You’ll keep leaving dirty handprints on every life you only enter to exit until you tidy up and rinse yourself clean. Don’t touch another soul until you’re polished again, until you’ve washed off all those burdens. Only monsters touch lives with hands soiled by sin and I need someone more sterile, who hasn’t been playing in dirt for as long as you have. Too bad you’re the tallest person I’ve ever met, you’re the only one who’s been able to reach and those who try end up afraid of heights.

I miss you today. Time to try again, to
                    Inject and-- forget.