deepundergroundpoetry.com
My Song
My arm's a violin,
my blade the bow,
as I play my song of shame
I want to stop,
but know I can't.
I'm tired of playing this game.
Every night I go to bed
and cry myself to sleep.
I dream of death,
I dream so sad,
I dream of cuts too deep.
And when I wake
I always wish
I'd go to sleep for good.
Because I know that I want out,
but don't know if I could.
my blade the bow,
as I play my song of shame
I want to stop,
but know I can't.
I'm tired of playing this game.
Every night I go to bed
and cry myself to sleep.
I dream of death,
I dream so sad,
I dream of cuts too deep.
And when I wake
I always wish
I'd go to sleep for good.
Because I know that I want out,
but don't know if I could.
Published 10th Feb 2013
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likes 3
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comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
10th Feb 2013 7:28am
I enjoyed the sway of this piece.
The rhyming makes it seem more innocent, whilst the content is dark.
Favorite stanza:
My arm's a violin,
my blade the bow,
as I play my song of shame
Wish that I had written it.
Scribbler.
The rhyming makes it seem more innocent, whilst the content is dark.
Favorite stanza:
My arm's a violin,
my blade the bow,
as I play my song of shame
Wish that I had written it.
Scribbler.
Anonymous
10th Feb 2013 6:59pm
Filled with emotion & wonderfully penned. Love the first stanza, in particular! Great job! :)
Carlene
Carlene
11th Feb 2013 8:13pm
Powerful imagery- espeially the first stanza. In your second, perhaps if you ever revisit the work- I think it might be more powerful if you could somehow change the third line to something more connected to the music imagery of the first stanza- something to think about perhaps.
"I dream of cuts too deep"- excellent and evocative- though, I fear I must be honest and say that I found the last two stanzas- a bit too "easy"- a bit too cliche. I wouldn't mention this except that from your first stanza it's obvious you are better than that-don't be afraid- trust in your talent - and don't settle for the expected- if the emotions are real- the words must evoke not only those emotions but the truth behind them! Looking forward to reading more of your work!
"I dream of cuts too deep"- excellent and evocative- though, I fear I must be honest and say that I found the last two stanzas- a bit too "easy"- a bit too cliche. I wouldn't mention this except that from your first stanza it's obvious you are better than that-don't be afraid- trust in your talent - and don't settle for the expected- if the emotions are real- the words must evoke not only those emotions but the truth behind them! Looking forward to reading more of your work!
13th Feb 2013 2:27am
Thanks guys and thank you LeMuseNoir for the advice I'll for sure rework this :)
