deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lullaby(Need help and Feedback)
1:
Close your eyes
Drift away
From this world
Of pain
Hold on
To those beautiful dreams
Someday you will
Become many great things
The wind on your back
As the world changes around you
Holding on to your strength
You will make it through
x3
2:
The wind is your ship
To sail you to the starry seas
The cotton candy clouds
The world of dreams x2
The world holds its breath
As you leave to dreamland
The world will wait
It always understands
The good fantasies
Will beat the nightmares
Now go to sleep
Don't be scare
You will be alright
You will be fine x2
So I'm needing a lullaby for a story, which one sounds better or could be improved to be really good? Pick 1 or 2 in the comments please and tell why. Also x(any number) means how many times that stanza or stanzas are sung.
Close your eyes
Drift away
From this world
Of pain
Hold on
To those beautiful dreams
Someday you will
Become many great things
The wind on your back
As the world changes around you
Holding on to your strength
You will make it through
x3
2:
The wind is your ship
To sail you to the starry seas
The cotton candy clouds
The world of dreams x2
The world holds its breath
As you leave to dreamland
The world will wait
It always understands
The good fantasies
Will beat the nightmares
Now go to sleep
Don't be scare
You will be alright
You will be fine x2
So I'm needing a lullaby for a story, which one sounds better or could be improved to be really good? Pick 1 or 2 in the comments please and tell why. Also x(any number) means how many times that stanza or stanzas are sung.
Published 23rd Jan 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 5
reads 722
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Jan 2013 9:34am
I think 2 is a good one, especially the part
The good fantasies
will beat the nightmares
now go to sleep
don't be scare
It is soothing and saying the better beats the worse to help sleep better.
The good fantasies
will beat the nightmares
now go to sleep
don't be scare
It is soothing and saying the better beats the worse to help sleep better.
23rd Jan 2013 12:11pm
Alright Lev, if i'm to strip this down for you I'd start off with punctuation, if it's going to be a poetic format, take it to word and let it auto edit the shit out of it and you'll have something good here, try and get your message across to the reader as much as you can and open as many doors to the listener / reader as possible, give us something to relate with, a reason to listen. Try and mask your message with some subtle metaphors or some twists here and there to keep us interested, mix it up here and there, the structure is good and you've done well.
There's some good shit in here Lev, stick to it man. Keep the faith.
There's some good shit in here Lev, stick to it man. Keep the faith.
23rd Jan 2013 12:11pm
23rd Jan 2013 2:47pm
