deepundergroundpoetry.com
Why Suicide?
Was your life so bad you saw
suicide as the only option, Jason?
Was committing suicide because you were
failing the ninth grade worth the cost
of your dad dying of grief or your mom
spending twenty years in a mental hospital?
Was it worth leaving me to feel partly
responsible because I didn't go to an adult when
I had the chance? The Next day, when I asked our
math teacher if you were in school, he confirmed my
worst fear of the events of the day before.
I felt that even though you
were the one who committed this selfish act I was
partly to blame. I often asked myself what could
I have done differently to prevent your suicide.
After twenty one years, I visited your grave.
I saw your mom and she asked me if I knew the
last person you talked to before your suicide
and could only give her vague information. I
only told her, "You're going down a road I can't
follow. You seek the warrior who's hands are stained
in Jason's blood. The one called Doc. You will not
find him, he will find you. Provided he wants to find
you." I watched her walk away with her head down,
crying and wondered if I made the right
decision not to tell her what I know. I guess I'll
never know if I was right or wrong for remaining silent.
The knowledge and memory of the final hours of your
life still haunt me nearly twenty four years later.
So many questions unanswered. Questions like, Why?
If a teacher was told and talked you would you still
be here today? Will your mom and me ever recover and
move on with our lives? If your mom knew my knowledge,
could she forgive me? Would she? Can I forgive myself?
How can I? You don't know the guilt or rage I
constantly feel inside because I and I alone have failed
to save another human being. Since your suicide I swore
I would never again fail in stopping another person from suicide.
When I can save another person's life by my
actions, My Father will NOT tolerate failure and
neither will I.
This Poem is a follow up piece to Death Surrounds Him.
I changed names out of respect for my friends mother
and other living relatives.
"Jason" February 12, 1975 to October 22, 1989
suicide as the only option, Jason?
Was committing suicide because you were
failing the ninth grade worth the cost
of your dad dying of grief or your mom
spending twenty years in a mental hospital?
Was it worth leaving me to feel partly
responsible because I didn't go to an adult when
I had the chance? The Next day, when I asked our
math teacher if you were in school, he confirmed my
worst fear of the events of the day before.
I felt that even though you
were the one who committed this selfish act I was
partly to blame. I often asked myself what could
I have done differently to prevent your suicide.
After twenty one years, I visited your grave.
I saw your mom and she asked me if I knew the
last person you talked to before your suicide
and could only give her vague information. I
only told her, "You're going down a road I can't
follow. You seek the warrior who's hands are stained
in Jason's blood. The one called Doc. You will not
find him, he will find you. Provided he wants to find
you." I watched her walk away with her head down,
crying and wondered if I made the right
decision not to tell her what I know. I guess I'll
never know if I was right or wrong for remaining silent.
The knowledge and memory of the final hours of your
life still haunt me nearly twenty four years later.
So many questions unanswered. Questions like, Why?
If a teacher was told and talked you would you still
be here today? Will your mom and me ever recover and
move on with our lives? If your mom knew my knowledge,
could she forgive me? Would she? Can I forgive myself?
How can I? You don't know the guilt or rage I
constantly feel inside because I and I alone have failed
to save another human being. Since your suicide I swore
I would never again fail in stopping another person from suicide.
When I can save another person's life by my
actions, My Father will NOT tolerate failure and
neither will I.
This Poem is a follow up piece to Death Surrounds Him.
I changed names out of respect for my friends mother
and other living relatives.
"Jason" February 12, 1975 to October 22, 1989
Published 16th Jan 2013
| Edited 25th May 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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16th Jan 2013 4:00pm
I can feel your pain and everything else....great pen...I hope you're alright
Thank you. It's been nearly twenty four years. But I keep on ticking like a good Timex watch. While my friends Mom or Myself may never fully recover from this tragedy that fell on us in the winter of 1989, we'll get through it some how. I only wish I had the courage to tell her what I Know. I know my silence seems cowardly. But I fear if I tell her what I do Know, it may cause her to end up back in the mental hospital. But I also fear if I continue to remain silent She could end up in the same situation.
It's my fear of causing her to have a relapse that's causing me to remain silent. It's also the fear that my silence will cause a relapse that makes me want to find her and tell her what I know about the situation. More recently I asked myself could I accept it if say I tell her and she says, "I hate you, you monster,"
It's my fear of causing her to have a relapse that's causing me to remain silent. It's also the fear that my silence will cause a relapse that makes me want to find her and tell her what I know about the situation. More recently I asked myself could I accept it if say I tell her and she says, "I hate you, you monster,"
