deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Sea of Insanity[Insani-Sea]
The tide's rising,
eroding the carefully erected walls
holding in the remains
of my sanity
The waves are bridging the gap,
a sea of madness
washing over my pool
of 'right minded' thoughts
dragging me into the moment
The moment,
a glorious moment
promises peace
without any visible price,
beautiful bliss
an oh so alluring vice
It's drawing me to the precipice
the edge of an overhang,
a route that doesn't allow for return,
a route to contentment
unmarred by responsibility,
anxiety
or pain
the demons that forever plague my brain.
eroding the carefully erected walls
holding in the remains
of my sanity
The waves are bridging the gap,
a sea of madness
washing over my pool
of 'right minded' thoughts
dragging me into the moment
The moment,
a glorious moment
promises peace
without any visible price,
beautiful bliss
an oh so alluring vice
It's drawing me to the precipice
the edge of an overhang,
a route that doesn't allow for return,
a route to contentment
unmarred by responsibility,
anxiety
or pain
the demons that forever plague my brain.
Published 16th Dec 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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reading list entries 0
comments 9
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
16th Dec 2012 2:38pm
A very nicely written poem by your pen, Duncan!
Nice to see a piece written by you again here.
Much enjoyed this poem!
Nice to see a piece written by you again here.
Much enjoyed this poem!
16th Dec 2012 2:41pm
Thanks. I live out in the sticks and so for the last month or two I've been without internet but in January I'll be back full-time. :)
16th Dec 2012 2:41pm
Hey, Duncan, was wondering where you got to...
"The moment,
a glorious moment
promises peace
without any visible price,
beautiful bliss
an oh so alluring vice"
But then, I'm such a sucker for any poems to do with the sea..
Like!
"The moment,
a glorious moment
promises peace
without any visible price,
beautiful bliss
an oh so alluring vice"
But then, I'm such a sucker for any poems to do with the sea..
Like!
16th Dec 2012 2:48pm
Thanks Atakti, god I love the sea. I'm about to go on holiday by the beach out in the middle of nowhere for about a month. I'm sure I'll return with an abundance of sea inspired word art. :D
16th Dec 2012 4:04pm
hey duncan
well here i am. got to read you after a while. can't miss.
work.
"The tide's rising,
eroding the carefully erected walls
holding in the remains
of my sanity
[careful? no. more. we are talking about
sanity here. care is for babies. sanity is
the shit. match it.]
The waves are bridging the gap,
a sea of madness
washing over my pool
of 'right minded' thoughts
dragging me into the moment
[speech marks. extra attention is thin ice.
trust me. but then, it's just me.]
The moment,
a glorious moment
promises peace
without any visible price,
beautiful bliss
an oh so alluring vice
[i will be honest here. found this verse a bit weak.
after a solid start, you are going limp here. the juice
is there. well, bring it.
"an oh so alluring" vice? why?]
It's drawing me to the precipice
the edge of an overhang,
a route that doesn't allow for return,
a route to contentment
unmarred by responsibility,
anxiety
or pain
the demons that forever plague my brain."
[solid. very solid. holds the rest of it alone on its shoulder.
the repetition of 'a route' can be avoided.
though i still feel you have cut it short. the last line is not it.
it seems convenient. i am sorry if i sound unbearably harsh.
but mate, i have read your stuff. and this is not the end.
all critique JMHO.
happy writing dunc,
sumeet
p.s- and the vacation by the sea sounds gold man. envy. get some, lad.
well here i am. got to read you after a while. can't miss.
work.
"The tide's rising,
eroding the carefully erected walls
holding in the remains
of my sanity
[careful? no. more. we are talking about
sanity here. care is for babies. sanity is
the shit. match it.]
The waves are bridging the gap,
a sea of madness
washing over my pool
of 'right minded' thoughts
dragging me into the moment
[speech marks. extra attention is thin ice.
trust me. but then, it's just me.]
The moment,
a glorious moment
promises peace
without any visible price,
beautiful bliss
an oh so alluring vice
[i will be honest here. found this verse a bit weak.
after a solid start, you are going limp here. the juice
is there. well, bring it.
"an oh so alluring" vice? why?]
It's drawing me to the precipice
the edge of an overhang,
a route that doesn't allow for return,
a route to contentment
unmarred by responsibility,
anxiety
or pain
the demons that forever plague my brain."
[solid. very solid. holds the rest of it alone on its shoulder.
the repetition of 'a route' can be avoided.
though i still feel you have cut it short. the last line is not it.
it seems convenient. i am sorry if i sound unbearably harsh.
but mate, i have read your stuff. and this is not the end.
all critique JMHO.
happy writing dunc,
sumeet
p.s- and the vacation by the sea sounds gold man. envy. get some, lad.
16th Dec 2012 9:52pm
[careful? no. more. we are talking about
sanity here. care is for babies. sanity is
the shit. match it.]
('Pain stakingly', 'Frantically'?)
[speech marks. extra attention is thin ice.
trust me. but then, it's just me.]
(The speech marks around 'right minded' were to emphasize that it was only someones[societies] view of what is 'right minded' but I get what you're saying.)
["an oh so alluring" vice? why?]
('an oh so alluring vice
addictive in its uncaring euphoria,
the poor mans heroine'
How's that?)
[the repetition of 'a route' can be avoided.]
(True but I thought the repitition lent that part of the stanza some weight.)
[though i still feel you have cut it short. the last line is not it.
it seems convenient. i am sorry if i sound unbearably harsh.
but mate, i have read your stuff. and this is not the end.]
(Not at all harsh. I understand completely but was rushing this piece in the hopes of writing another one before I was dragged away from the internet, which I've again been granted access to. :D What about...
'unmarred by responsibility,
anxiety
or pain
An unfaltering insanity
I find myself begging for the peace of it's release
as it carresses my thoughts
I look at life
and see a game.'?)
sanity here. care is for babies. sanity is
the shit. match it.]
('Pain stakingly', 'Frantically'?)
[speech marks. extra attention is thin ice.
trust me. but then, it's just me.]
(The speech marks around 'right minded' were to emphasize that it was only someones[societies] view of what is 'right minded' but I get what you're saying.)
["an oh so alluring" vice? why?]
('an oh so alluring vice
addictive in its uncaring euphoria,
the poor mans heroine'
How's that?)
[the repetition of 'a route' can be avoided.]
(True but I thought the repitition lent that part of the stanza some weight.)
[though i still feel you have cut it short. the last line is not it.
it seems convenient. i am sorry if i sound unbearably harsh.
but mate, i have read your stuff. and this is not the end.]
(Not at all harsh. I understand completely but was rushing this piece in the hopes of writing another one before I was dragged away from the internet, which I've again been granted access to. :D What about...
'unmarred by responsibility,
anxiety
or pain
An unfaltering insanity
I find myself begging for the peace of it's release
as it carresses my thoughts
I look at life
and see a game.'?)
16th Dec 2012 11:18pm
('Painstakingly', 'Frantically'?)
yes. now you got it.
(The speech marks around 'right minded' were to emphasize that it was only someone's[societies]
view of what is 'right minded' but I get what you're saying.)
leave it to the reader. why discriminate with words? your poems are uniform
in their tone and angst, leave them that way.
('an oh so alluring vice
addictive in its uncaring euphoria,
the poor man's heroine'
How's that?)
its solid. somehow it does not belong here. sit and think about it. your call, always. but i like it.
and you probably meant 'heroin'?
(True but I thought the repetition lent that part of the stanza some weight.)
fair enough.
(Not at all harsh. I understand completely but was rushing this piece in the hopes of writing
another one before I was dragged away from the internet, which I've again been granted access to.
:D
What about...
'unmarred by responsibility,
anxiety
or pain
An unfaltering insanity
I find myself begging for the peace of it's release
as it caresses my thoughts
I look at life
and see a game.'?)
yes and no. now that you have access, sit with it. read it over and feel it.
you are one of the better judges of his own work i have seen around.
so, let it come to you.
write on,
x
yes. now you got it.
(The speech marks around 'right minded' were to emphasize that it was only someone's[societies]
view of what is 'right minded' but I get what you're saying.)
leave it to the reader. why discriminate with words? your poems are uniform
in their tone and angst, leave them that way.
('an oh so alluring vice
addictive in its uncaring euphoria,
the poor man's heroine'
How's that?)
its solid. somehow it does not belong here. sit and think about it. your call, always. but i like it.
and you probably meant 'heroin'?
(True but I thought the repetition lent that part of the stanza some weight.)
fair enough.
(Not at all harsh. I understand completely but was rushing this piece in the hopes of writing
another one before I was dragged away from the internet, which I've again been granted access to.
:D
What about...
'unmarred by responsibility,
anxiety
or pain
An unfaltering insanity
I find myself begging for the peace of it's release
as it caresses my thoughts
I look at life
and see a game.'?)
yes and no. now that you have access, sit with it. read it over and feel it.
you are one of the better judges of his own work i have seen around.
so, let it come to you.
write on,
x
Anonymous
16th Dec 2012 9:35pm
Nicely written, your poems have a nice feel to them, good works, :)
16th Dec 2012 9:55pm
