deepundergroundpoetry.com
Small Captains
I watched him float his tiny boat,
upon the lake that day.
That little boy was filled with joy;
and so I watched him play.
It dawned on me how he was free
and lost within a dream.
His little soul was in control
and brimmed with self esteem.
He was aware but did not care,
that he was not alone.
He let me stay and watch him play;
this lady who is grown.
I felt so blessed to be his guest
and join him on his trip.
A traveler and passenger,
upon his tiny ship.
upon the lake that day.
That little boy was filled with joy;
and so I watched him play.
It dawned on me how he was free
and lost within a dream.
His little soul was in control
and brimmed with self esteem.
He was aware but did not care,
that he was not alone.
He let me stay and watch him play;
this lady who is grown.
I felt so blessed to be his guest
and join him on his trip.
A traveler and passenger,
upon his tiny ship.
Published 12th Jul 2010
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The author encourages honest critique.
12th Jul 2010 10:50pm
Quite an interesting form you've gone for here; intra-rhymed tetrametre/trimetre alternated quatrains. Almost reminiscent of Poe's "The Raven". The sturdy metre is refreshingly un-pretentious.
My main criticism would be of the line "this lady who is grown.". The rhyme here sounds a little forced, though I suspect that's because you had to use filler syllables to retain your metre. This could probably be avoided were you to make some comment on the personas' age differences, rather than merely noting the presence of an age difference. Something to the tune of "despite that I was grown.", perhaps?
All in all, a contemplative, yet clear narrative effort.
My main criticism would be of the line "this lady who is grown.". The rhyme here sounds a little forced, though I suspect that's because you had to use filler syllables to retain your metre. This could probably be avoided were you to make some comment on the personas' age differences, rather than merely noting the presence of an age difference. Something to the tune of "despite that I was grown.", perhaps?
All in all, a contemplative, yet clear narrative effort.
