deepundergroundpoetry.com
Untitled
Spirlaing downward
my life goes.
Reason?
Nobody knows.
Nobody but you.
Cause you're the reasons.
My life changed
like the seasons.
All your lies,
that you told
eventually got
way to old.
i am done
with your game.
It'll be easy
to forget your name.
i dont care
if you leave.
Just don't you dare
say you loved me.
my life goes.
Reason?
Nobody knows.
Nobody but you.
Cause you're the reasons.
My life changed
like the seasons.
All your lies,
that you told
eventually got
way to old.
i am done
with your game.
It'll be easy
to forget your name.
i dont care
if you leave.
Just don't you dare
say you loved me.
Published 26th Nov 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 700
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
3rd Jan 2014 6:14pm
there's a typo somewhere there. 'to' is meant as a 'too'
Everything's said, meant and written blunt. I am afraid it lacks imaginative thinking.
The line:
"My life changed
like the seasons. "
is good and has potential but it ends too soon so its potential fades as quickly as you read the line. You could elaborate on that line. Make it your theme and write the poem based on that sentiment.
Everything's said, meant and written blunt. I am afraid it lacks imaginative thinking.
The line:
"My life changed
like the seasons. "
is good and has potential but it ends too soon so its potential fades as quickly as you read the line. You could elaborate on that line. Make it your theme and write the poem based on that sentiment.
4th Jan 2014 10:15pm
It is a decent poem, but I have to agree with opheliac. It lacks imaginative thinking. When writing a poem, think of ways to be more creative and take a more unique approach! Though, sometimes subtly is the best route. too much can be annoying and ruin a poem, but not always.
14th Jan 2014 00:44am
Its a good poem just make sure you check your spelling, like the word spiraling
Untitled
Spirlaing (Spiraling) downward
my life goes.
Reason?
Nobody knows.
Nobody but you.
(')Cause you're the reason.
My life changed
like the seasons.
All your lies,
that you told
eventually got
way to(o) old.
I am done
with your game.
It'll be easy
to forget your name.
I don't care
if you leave.
Just don't you dare
say you loved me.
You've got some good bones here that are prime to be built upon. I'd first keep in mind is presentation; spelling, punctuation, and consistency in capitalization. Your flow can seem a little abrupt with the periods, a personal opinion would be to mess around with stanza spacing instead. In future writes I would suggest the use of similes and metaphors to really drive those feelings home. The best advice I've ever been given, that I still have to work on piece by piece, is don't tell me, show me.
Spirlaing (Spiraling) downward
my life goes.
Reason?
Nobody knows.
Nobody but you.
(')Cause you're the reason.
My life changed
like the seasons.
All your lies,
that you told
eventually got
way to(o) old.
I am done
with your game.
It'll be easy
to forget your name.
I don't care
if you leave.
Just don't you dare
say you loved me.
You've got some good bones here that are prime to be built upon. I'd first keep in mind is presentation; spelling, punctuation, and consistency in capitalization. Your flow can seem a little abrupt with the periods, a personal opinion would be to mess around with stanza spacing instead. In future writes I would suggest the use of similes and metaphors to really drive those feelings home. The best advice I've ever been given, that I still have to work on piece by piece, is don't tell me, show me.
