fuck all.

I like this one a lot too. Short and to the point! Good work, Carla

Gemini

Thanks again!

Strong.  It could be a break-up or someone passed on, I like the ambiguity, although I'm leaning towards the latter.

Line nine, I think you meant "earth's"

It is the latter but I do try to make my writing so it can speak to other in different ways.

Thank you!

hmmmm

Do you really want critique ? I can tell by the way you write you do pay attention to what you are doing.

A teenager huh ?

I am 47 and I can tell you this. You are better than I was in my youth.

I do. I'm most always up for critique.

and thank you.

I will give you a little example how to reign your words in so you get that impact/punch with your words without sounding like a peckerwood losing it on Jerry Springer (not that you do, because you don't but... it is an easy trap to fall into   lol)

the example -

I can bite this blanket    
and scratch at my throat

"scratch my throat" is an ancient Greek expression. Your piece is too modern for that.

And frankly you have the words for your second line hiding in your first line.

What would you do if you chewed on a blanket (particularly one of those fuzzy ones)?

I would choke on it ;)

Let's try it with your next stanza shall we ?

I can bite this blanket    
and choke on it
but I can't stop these guttural laments

You are still conveying the emotion you want to, but with a very concrete image for the reader to experience. See where I am going with this ?  

You can even play with the third line to fit more smoothly.

I will leave that up to you. I can already tell you are quite capable.

These are suggestions/ not your mother telling you to clean your room ;) lol

Simply something to think about :)



 

Thank you for the input. :)
When I mention scratching at my throat, it's literal. I do that when I cry so I don't think I'll be changing that any time soon.
Again thank you so much for your suggestions, feel free to stop by and critique whenever.

Carla.

This is very emotive. first seven lines are a good prelude to the question you ask with the next three.

honestly, I'd probably change 'scream at the end to a different ..less loud word like yearn or die or some such wording but I can see why you'd choose it.

fair play for laying yourself bare onto the page, never an easy task by any means.

shine on.

Thank you, Eamon.
and I agree with you about scream
I'll be changing it.

Really liked this. Short yet strong. Thanks

Thank you!

good write

Thank you!

Was directed here from your thread, great write!

Anyway, I wouldn't worry about the extreme content labels too much, i'm sure even if there were themes that were extreme for some users there wouldn't be too much of a problem. And an administrator would fix it up quickly too.

But yes, great write Carla!

Thank you :)

and yeah I'm not worried/ I just like to know for future reference.

Very beautiful poem, nicely worded. I see no extreme content here. It must be a mistake.

Thanks wolfman.

This is deep and nicely worded. I look forward to reading more from you.

Thanks Blake.

I agree with Blake25 . The rest not so much, because a poem is like a painting with its own nuances and depths. Your grasp of words is clearly of a high standard and you like to play with them like toys to make your point.
Would I change the Mona Lisa..No
Q.E.D.
The only real judge of you should be you and that way you will develop your own style freely and unconstrained. You can always come back and change it later on.

Thank you very much
I do agree that my judgement is best but I would be nowhere without a little help from others.

Great write Ms. Carla!!
BRAVO!!

You give good pen!!!

Sir Lancelott

Thank you, Sir Lancelott.

nothing that really grabs me, a bad time for sure but theres nothing dynamic about it and it dosent form any pictures in my minds eye

I'm sorry.

felt your sadness and need
good work

thank you, Deborah Lee. :)