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Untitled
When head lay against the pillow
yet I remained comfortless,
with burning eyes brimming with tears
Oh, how they braved slumber!
beholding the dark night folding over,
turning and breaking into
the first virginal rays of dawn
Yet, it was just another day for me
when the sun refused to shine
and my world revolved no more,
as it was
devoid of you,
and in your loss, I lost my life!
yet I remained comfortless,
with burning eyes brimming with tears
Oh, how they braved slumber!
beholding the dark night folding over,
turning and breaking into
the first virginal rays of dawn
Yet, it was just another day for me
when the sun refused to shine
and my world revolved no more,
as it was
devoid of you,
and in your loss, I lost my life!
Published 7th Nov 2012
| Edited 18th Dec 2012
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8th Nov 2012 9:19am
9th Nov 2012 00:00am
18th Dec 2012 6:23pm
When head lay against the pillow
[whose head? is there a subject? this is
a bit vague.]
and yet I remain comfortless,
[lay is past tense. in L2, we have 'remain'
that is in the present tense.]
with burning eyes brimming with tears
[i can suggest you to interchange
burning and eyes. that can be lyrical
and potent at the same time.]
Oh, how they brave slumber!
[you meant 'the brave' probably.]
beholding the dark night folding over,
turning and breaking into
the first virginal rays of dawn
Yet, its just another day for me
when the sun refuses to shine for me
and my world revolves no more,
as its devoid of you,
and in your loss, I have lost my life!
[you seem to be infatuated with the exclamation mark. it is quite potent, but in classical poetry. present day, its used with a lot of care.]
what you have described here is a universal emotion. i love the old school feel inherent
in all your poems. yet i could suggest a rework,
a little flesh. but then that's just me.
all critique JMHO of course.
happy writing,
sumeet
[whose head? is there a subject? this is
a bit vague.]
and yet I remain comfortless,
[lay is past tense. in L2, we have 'remain'
that is in the present tense.]
with burning eyes brimming with tears
[i can suggest you to interchange
burning and eyes. that can be lyrical
and potent at the same time.]
Oh, how they brave slumber!
[you meant 'the brave' probably.]
beholding the dark night folding over,
turning and breaking into
the first virginal rays of dawn
Yet, its just another day for me
when the sun refuses to shine for me
and my world revolves no more,
as its devoid of you,
and in your loss, I have lost my life!
[you seem to be infatuated with the exclamation mark. it is quite potent, but in classical poetry. present day, its used with a lot of care.]
what you have described here is a universal emotion. i love the old school feel inherent
in all your poems. yet i could suggest a rework,
a little flesh. but then that's just me.
all critique JMHO of course.
happy writing,
sumeet
18th Dec 2012 7:15pm
lol, yes I'm in love with the punctuations, i love the way it can change the meaning of an entire sentence, they break and disrupt the sequence, I so very love that, but hey, I know it's kind of obsolete in the contemporary literary front and I'm totally trying to come at terms with that.
Thank u wandie! Much appreciated!
Thank u wandie! Much appreciated!
28th Apr 2013 7:53am
28th Dec 2013 2:25pm
