A BEAUTIFUL MARRIAGE ENDED...

    
I loved the front of my house, it was victorian, and was my dream home. I can see the bright yellow daffodils  on the window ledges  mixed with the stunning ruby red geraniums,  through the gleaming windows which i kept clean all the time from my living room. I had about 100 daffodils altogether which i planted  along the  sides of the path to the front door, on the walls and the floor. It looked so fresh and colorful. This was our third house which I felt was our home. This was where we were the happiest. This home was renovated by us, and the back garden was perfect too, after we had done so much work to it, by adding a lawn, a grapevine tree which grew to full size and bloomed with green grapes and vine leaves , over the wooden beam in the garden over the glass paneled back door.
My husband carried me over the threshold when we married, even though we had lived there for years before. The house had so much character. We      had  many wonderful years here, we wined, dined and entertained all the time. The house was full of family, friends and children. Although there were some years of joy  the tears outnumbered them, as month after month we waited for children, and nothing...until the only time I was pregnant. We were so exited and thrilled we built a loft conversion ready for our new baby. This was the icing on the cake.  Everything was perfect in my life then, until i miscarried... We kept trying over a period of 13 years, but to no avail. I felt like a failure as not able to conceive...I couldn't believe he would still want to be with me after all theses years. But he did, until I finally pushed him away.
Then he left me.
I was devastated, I never expected in a million years that he would leave me, after 30 years together, after all we had been through. And him having that affair...I didn't give up, I tried to keep our marriage together, as this was what i believed in, marriage was for life.  It worked for a while...
We got back together for a few years, but still we ached for children and tried adoption but to no avail. I am so now in the time of acceptance that there s no way back for us at all. The reason I know this;- is because I asked him, and he said no...
The anger, guilt, hurt, and shame that i feel now, Is so painful, I feel like my heart will break in two, I cannot comprehend that this is the end.
But it is.
The memories I have are truly wonderful and I will treasure them forever, but the pain out numbers the joy, I'm sad to say. Now at 50 Im alone in my  flat with only my patio to sit on and feel the loneynes. I have been separated only 8 months again now. And yet.. I still asked him to come back, was there anything I could do to make this marriage work. He said it was too late. Even though we both cried and hugged, holding hands before we said goodbye.
Friends we are now, but I'm trying to let go of him as my husband and change my feelings towards him from husband to friend, as i don't want to loose him forever.