My(true)self

This would be much better with correct grammar and spelling.

My(true)self
 
 
Entombed amidst relishing revenge i discover,
from the depths of dark tabernacle is that i try to recover;
with a soul stumbling upon eternal pits of rumor,
I wait as dark Omega till my rapture;
Damned to thrive as worthless deceived mortal,
slumbered too long to emerge for a glorious pinnacle;
With secluded serenity I'm on a heavenly errand,
that apart from oblivion seraphs none shall comprehend;
Upon culmination, pain or pleasure i shall not feel,
Unto my LORD alone I will kneel...
... awaiting ARMAGEDDON
 
 

thanks a lot Alwayscaliban. much appreciated .

Much better.

thanks again

Ok let me break it down for you because I don't really take kindly to people aggressively PMing me and demanding that I read their work. Here's your first lesson, son : I want, doesn't always get.

Secondly, comment on other people's work. Join in with the forums, build some respect, a small following and some balls before you beg for critique on ONE poem but can't be bothered to give it.

Thirdly, the whole thing lacks basic punctuation and imagination. Although the last line does sum up my general view of this poem perfectly.

Have a nice day now.

-Missy

first of all, i m sorry. i m totally new to this blog and forum stuff. my fault, i should ve been aware of the rules before i stepped in. and i didn mean to be rude. i just didn know. i had been totally offroad in my approach. but i was not begging. you could ve said if you didn like it. and having balls, i can retaliate all day but thats not the point here. and thanks for pointing out that the whole thing is a flaw through your eyes. i ll keep writing...

''unto my Lord,...'' i lovd dis line..well john, ur new to dis place, so first of all i wud like to welcome u...well according to me, there arent any rules to be an artist or a poet, same goes for dis site as well..u like writing, then write, u like reading, then go ahead,read sum of the latest poems or sum belonging to d oldest members around, if u believe in healthy criticism, then u can surely leave ur comments on other poem..dnt be rude as a true artist never shows off or never revel by downsizing or belittling others. Keep ur calm, stay humble,participate in discussions, forums, competitions. As u can see, i am one of the oldest members here, im here since 3yrs, there were times wen i wrote poetry day in and day out, i publishd everyday, then suddenly i went offline for many months altogether. Write for ur pleasure and for ur own personal and creative extension.
Now, as far as ur poetry is concernd, i dnt thnk i possess any merit to point ur shortcomings, still, i thnk u need to be more structurally organizd and ya a bit of grammer going off here and there. Read sum modernist poetry if u like. I like the imagery of ur poem, also the end..so dnt wory, u have just taken off, its just the start, u'll get better day by day!
Sory 4 such a long and rambling lecture!
Take care!
Keep rocking reaper! :)

thanks for stopping by on my request . and for giving suggestions n comments...thanks again

Amen

your poem is very good cant wait to see more on heavenly errand very nice  i will be looking for more of your work well done

Its really descriptive, but I'm not sure what I read about.

Well done...I like it. Welcome to DUP

There are things to trip on all over this piece. It could use some more editing and I'm not sure the grammar is correct still as you are simply alternating between a comma and a semicolon on every line. I think, for example, that line 2 might read better if you simply take out the "is that". I can't decide if it is a rhyming poem or not, as your first rhyme works fine and the second, rumor and rapture, don't work at all. There are some beautiful words here, but a lack of flow. Massive potential, but missing the mark. Your final lines are fantastic and very powerful. A wonderful ending.
I have to agree with Missy to a point, and don't generally leave comments on anything unless I love it because I hate being negative. I also agree with Joetina Arc that as long as we keep writing we are always getting better. Always strive to be better. :) I hope you reciprocate with the people who are answering your pm.

i liked this and felt it to my core. thank you for sharing it with me :)

Hello John, Since everyone else has critiqued you on the things you need to work on, I will only encourage you to continue to write. You have passion in your ink and passion can and will keep the heartbeat in your craft. Never try to force or coerce words and lines that do not flow effortlessly.

Im glad you saw something in my work that made you request my opinion for your poem. Im humbled by the small gesture. Welcome To DUP! Best of luck to you! PENS UP! xo

Holy cow, I'm not here to downgrade you, I'll just say I loved it. Freakin epic. I'll eagerly await more.

Worded exceptionally, its quite unique, and deeply intense! Keep writin'!

Your poem is very dark in nature and I normally don't enjoy the content of the dark poems that much. However, I do think that you have a way with words and a talent for writing because I feel this poem is well written, so keep writing. Also I don't believe that anybody is really "damned to thrive as a deceived worthless mortal," but that's just my opinion. I strongly believe there is hope and redemption for everyone. :)
 

Keep writing.