deepundergroundpoetry.com
Anything[2.0]
I can't do it...
I am too busy being
tied up by life,
tied down by people..
and ripped apart by a sea of frustration
It's the feeling of...
A legion of needles,
poisonous pricks piercing my skin
irrespective of its exposure
to the elements
A downward slide,
a gutter-bound dive
not a product of fate or fortune
but a result of my ever-apparent failings
I'm forever the architect of my destruction
I find myself frozen
amongst the flames of fear
being roasted alive
by the nighttime terrors
born of beatings
and tortured memories
of a hellish 'home'
I survive
on my own personal patch of Pandemonium
crawling with the demons
of darker days
hounding my mind...
decimating any hope of lasting happiness.
[Edited with an awesome amount of critique from Sumeet.]
I am too busy being
tied up by life,
tied down by people..
and ripped apart by a sea of frustration
It's the feeling of...
A legion of needles,
poisonous pricks piercing my skin
irrespective of its exposure
to the elements
A downward slide,
a gutter-bound dive
not a product of fate or fortune
but a result of my ever-apparent failings
I'm forever the architect of my destruction
I find myself frozen
amongst the flames of fear
being roasted alive
by the nighttime terrors
born of beatings
and tortured memories
of a hellish 'home'
I survive
on my own personal patch of Pandemonium
crawling with the demons
of darker days
hounding my mind...
decimating any hope of lasting happiness.
[Edited with an awesome amount of critique from Sumeet.]
Published 1st Oct 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 8
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The author encourages honest critique.
1st Oct 2012 10:47am
1st Oct 2012 2:51pm
1st Oct 2012 1:50pm
duncan
ah! much better. much, much better.
warms my heart. :]
kill the apostrophe in S4. not needed.
S1, ripped works very well. glad you
took my word on board. good man.
S4, 'legion' is a brilliant choice.
almost gives it a surreal, otherworldly
feel. congratulations.
'skin' is fine. add a 'my'. take ownership
of the pain. :]
'gutter-bound dive', i would say, works.
unique and original. full marks.
S5, i would suggest you separate the last line.
make it breathe, stand alone. end the cohesion.
S6, 'frozen' and 'flames'. well done. :]
last line, kill 'the' and move 'of a hellish
home' to another line.
S7, kill 'piece'. does not work with the heavyweight 'pandemonium'. may be, use 'bit'.
also, change 'overflow'. it's too liquid for
something as dense as demons. hope i make sense.
happy writing,
sumeet
ah! much better. much, much better.
warms my heart. :]
kill the apostrophe in S4. not needed.
S1, ripped works very well. glad you
took my word on board. good man.
S4, 'legion' is a brilliant choice.
almost gives it a surreal, otherworldly
feel. congratulations.
'skin' is fine. add a 'my'. take ownership
of the pain. :]
'gutter-bound dive', i would say, works.
unique and original. full marks.
S5, i would suggest you separate the last line.
make it breathe, stand alone. end the cohesion.
S6, 'frozen' and 'flames'. well done. :]
last line, kill 'the' and move 'of a hellish
home' to another line.
S7, kill 'piece'. does not work with the heavyweight 'pandemonium'. may be, use 'bit'.
also, change 'overflow'. it's too liquid for
something as dense as demons. hope i make sense.
happy writing,
sumeet
1st Oct 2012 2:51pm
Sumeet
I'm forever grateful for the astoundingly useful selection of critique you bombard me with.
S7, I killed 'piece' and replaced it with 'my own personal patch' which I think fits the bill but I was a bit wary of 'sprawling' as a replacement for 'overflowing' as I was unsure if it 'worked' as well as any number of other possibilities.
Many thanks.
Duncan
I'm forever grateful for the astoundingly useful selection of critique you bombard me with.
S7, I killed 'piece' and replaced it with 'my own personal patch' which I think fits the bill but I was a bit wary of 'sprawling' as a replacement for 'overflowing' as I was unsure if it 'worked' as well as any number of other possibilities.
Many thanks.
Duncan
1st Oct 2012 3:32pm
hey ducan
very well done.:]
"'my own personal patch" is definitely better.
patch is inert and two-dimensional and works
upto an extent. better.
sprawl. why not 'crawl'? visceral, physical
and direct. sprawl is positive, genteel, way
too good for demons.:]
good man. keep them coming.
x
sumeet
very well done.:]
"'my own personal patch" is definitely better.
patch is inert and two-dimensional and works
upto an extent. better.
sprawl. why not 'crawl'? visceral, physical
and direct. sprawl is positive, genteel, way
too good for demons.:]
good man. keep them coming.
x
sumeet
1st Oct 2012 4:10pm
Sumeet
Yeah, 'sprawl' sounds more suited to refugees than the damned.
I intend to.
Duncan
Yeah, 'sprawl' sounds more suited to refugees than the damned.
I intend to.
Duncan
1st Oct 2012 5:51pm
I'm too busy being tied up by life,tied down by people.."You had me there.Thanks to Sumeet for the edit.haha.nice one man.
25th Oct 2012 6:25pm
