Anything

Excellent poem! Great use of words..i enjoyed reading this.

Thanks, it's always good when someone enjoys a piece you've written.

I devoured every word of this poem. LOVED the vocab, and the message in here, so uniquely your own, but also identifiable with the masses. Great work Duncan.

Yours in Confidence,
AlwaysCaliban

It warms my heart to know you enjoyed it Caliban. Diction is my passion. ;) Oh and don't 'devour' them too quickly, you'll get hiccups. :D

Yours Meaningfully,
Duncan

Hits you in the gut, that's
how honest this comes across

Excellent work
Ricecake

Thanks Rice, I don't like to hide, it's always better to stand and fight. :)

dunc

let's get down.:]

"I can't do it,
I'm too busy being tied up by life
tied down by people
and raped by frustration

[i would suggest you drop the first 'I'. that
way it has more power. IMHO. then it will
read:

"Can't do it
I am too busy being
tied up by life
tied down by people

and raped by fristration.."

just a suggestion. also rape loses it power here. its overtly abused anyway. you can find better.]

It's the feeling of...

A thousand needles,
poisonous pins,
pricking every piece of flesh
irrespective of it's exposure
to the elements

[ get rid of 'pins'. combine L1 and L2.
'it's' does not need the apostrophe.

'every piece of flesh' does not have the punch IMO. sounds distant, drab. go for skin. deconstruct. cos' we are talking damn pins here. flesh is good when we are talking machete or a bomb. comprende? :)]

A downward slide,
picking up the pace
amassing a mean amount of momentum
as I approach rock bottom

[no no no. started well with L1. rest is too obvious. you can do better. sit with it and let it come. this is too distant, clinical. cold. this calls for brutality. with a kerry king shred, you played a bad latin growler. i would say rework it whole. just me again.]


I'm immobilised
by household demons,
frighteningly familiar faces
a barrage of every day inescapable evils

I live in a haunted house
filled to the brim
with the ghosts of my past
bringing to the present
an unparalleled amount of pain.

i will repeat. i have read you long to know this is not the best shot you can throw. and i know your best shot. i get the idea behind. but this is not what you wanted. and i am in an awfully good mood to just hate it. so, i would want you to give it a sit and chop and dice and add. rework. play. skim. do whatever it takes cos' you know how you feel. just put it down. slash. this is too beautiful. too scientific. make it ugly. i hope i am making sense mate.

i will wait for a 2.0.

power to you crazy diamond,

sumeet    

Sumeet

I find that without the 'I' it sounds... wrong. I'm a bit of a stickler for sound, it's a pet peeve[among many].

I agree on changing-up rape, I was going for an extended metaphor['tied up', 'tied down'], I realise it's a bit back to front.

I only used 'pins' for alliteration's sake. Combining the lines is a good idea but I'm struggling to make it sound... right[As for the apostrophe I constantly forget that 'its' is exempt from the ownership "'"].
I didn't like 'every piece of flesh' to begin with but at the time I was at a loss for a replacement.

You make sense, but it's four in the morning after a third sleepless night in a row so my 2.0 may lack the grittiness your looking for(When I'm groggy my writng becomes flambouyant).

Innumerable thanks for this absolute tsunami of critique.

As for 'diamond', it takes one to know one.

Duncan