deepundergroundpoetry.com
Re: Are you wearing something sexy?
old leggings
with go faster stripes
torn yellow panties
show a slice of my ass
one vest
“stonewash blue”
unwashed for days
two tit piercings
a biker bracelet
a claddagh necklace
& bed hair in a leggy band
adds a touch of class
so you tell me
am I getting you hot
or is it just steam
from your laptop
with go faster stripes
torn yellow panties
show a slice of my ass
one vest
“stonewash blue”
unwashed for days
two tit piercings
a biker bracelet
a claddagh necklace
& bed hair in a leggy band
adds a touch of class
so you tell me
am I getting you hot
or is it just steam
from your laptop
Published 23rd Aug 2012
| Edited 16th Sep 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Aug 2012 10:55pm
Anonymous
24th Aug 2012 00:46am
<< post removed >>
24th Aug 2012 8:07am
25th Aug 2012 8:50pm
Good fun, Ama -- but given your title maybe you should move it to the Erotic section if you want more reads.
Not sure about those capitals starting every line, you miss a trick on line breaks by doing that and I don't think they add anything for you on this occasion.
I'd also consider finishing with "or is it just steam from your laptop"
Usually I've only got three boxes when I crit
'originality, entertainment & clever' -- and you just ticked all three.
Best ~ A
Not sure about those capitals starting every line, you miss a trick on line breaks by doing that and I don't think they add anything for you on this occasion.
I'd also consider finishing with "or is it just steam from your laptop"
Usually I've only got three boxes when I crit
'originality, entertainment & clever' -- and you just ticked all three.
Best ~ A
26th Aug 2012 00:37am
Aha perhaps you are right and I missed a trick. The capitals are just a hazard of writing it as a Word document- it autocorrects and yes, I am too lazy to do anything about it :) I'll de-capitalise, move it to erotic and see what happens
