deepundergroundpoetry.com
w e r e w o l f
floating above
the rusted landscape of chagrin
replete with the stench of dead
and the scurry of scavengers
in the hot white noon of late summer
amidst gripping talons flapping wings
waxen discarded innards
i yearn for
the desolate yellow moon
a blood red moon
lifeless moon
dangling mangled mashed squashed
may be
because it is
passive
blind
beautiful
unlike anything
i am you are we have
despite those 21 grams
despite everything
Published 14th Aug 2012
| Edited 15th Aug 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
14th Aug 2012 10:24pm
Now, Sumeet, "straight to business". :)
I love the darkness and its shifting imagery in the first verse, but 'dull innards' isn't really working, for me anyway. Just the word 'dull' seems inappropriate when much more descriptive words are available.
This was quite a different write for you, and I'm quite taken by it; especially that last two lines. Blew me away like a feather, man.
You might be sick of hearing this from me, but a few commas in there would help so much for the reader.
Anyway, astounding, especially that ending.
I love the darkness and its shifting imagery in the first verse, but 'dull innards' isn't really working, for me anyway. Just the word 'dull' seems inappropriate when much more descriptive words are available.
This was quite a different write for you, and I'm quite taken by it; especially that last two lines. Blew me away like a feather, man.
You might be sick of hearing this from me, but a few commas in there would help so much for the reader.
Anyway, astounding, especially that ending.
14th Aug 2012 11:06pm
mr A
hahahaha.:] that was a winner.:D
yes. you caught a lazy bum there. and that
was the catch a boxer could manage. true.
it did not work. that's a meek word, dull.
cox' its dull. being lazy today. good on
your part to throw that bucket of ice.
yes. different than the usual stuff. i am
coming full circle may be. ha.
i know, those commas. no, i am not sick. truth.
i thought of using some today but then altered
the line breaks to suit. lazy and arrogant.:]
thank you mr a. always good to have you here. x
respect and love,
sumeet
hahahaha.:] that was a winner.:D
yes. you caught a lazy bum there. and that
was the catch a boxer could manage. true.
it did not work. that's a meek word, dull.
cox' its dull. being lazy today. good on
your part to throw that bucket of ice.
yes. different than the usual stuff. i am
coming full circle may be. ha.
i know, those commas. no, i am not sick. truth.
i thought of using some today but then altered
the line breaks to suit. lazy and arrogant.:]
thank you mr a. always good to have you here. x
respect and love,
sumeet
14th Aug 2012 10:42pm
This was very different from your other work. Much more blunt and colored, but it's got your signature diction.
I apologize for not having any helpful criticisms or such, but this poem has me stumped. I KNOW there has to be deeper meaning in her somewhere, I just need to find the rabbit hole that will let me in :)
"i yearn for
the desolate yellow moon
the blood red moon
the lifeless moon
dangling mangled mashed squashed"
YES. I loved this part.
At first I wasn't sure if I liked this, but she sharp, cutting edge to this poem fits it's title/base perfectly. Well done, my friend. I am impressed.
I apologize for not having any helpful criticisms or such, but this poem has me stumped. I KNOW there has to be deeper meaning in her somewhere, I just need to find the rabbit hole that will let me in :)
"i yearn for
the desolate yellow moon
the blood red moon
the lifeless moon
dangling mangled mashed squashed"
YES. I loved this part.
At first I wasn't sure if I liked this, but she sharp, cutting edge to this poem fits it's title/base perfectly. Well done, my friend. I am impressed.
sublime
now that you are a regular around these
parts, you should know this. you are a
delight of a reader. always pleased to
have you around.
now, helpful criticism..well of course
alterations can be done. but if something
works its way to an individual, then its
perfect. that bond, connection is truly
the dream. at least for me.
from the writer to that reader.
on a collective scale, it might be
a different scenario.
but, i would appreciate some criticism
[which i get every now and then] being
the stargazing uninitiated 'desi' rambler
of a hillybilly that i am. true.
again, this was a stillborn poem that got some
skin and flesh today. glad it still stirred and
thrashed a bit. and you don't need to find the
rabbithole. you already have it. the one you came
by.[not being abstract, being honest. think.:)]
thank you.
sumeet
now that you are a regular around these
parts, you should know this. you are a
delight of a reader. always pleased to
have you around.
now, helpful criticism..well of course
alterations can be done. but if something
works its way to an individual, then its
perfect. that bond, connection is truly
the dream. at least for me.
from the writer to that reader.
on a collective scale, it might be
a different scenario.
but, i would appreciate some criticism
[which i get every now and then] being
the stargazing uninitiated 'desi' rambler
of a hillybilly that i am. true.
again, this was a stillborn poem that got some
skin and flesh today. glad it still stirred and
thrashed a bit. and you don't need to find the
rabbithole. you already have it. the one you came
by.[not being abstract, being honest. think.:)]
thank you.
sumeet
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Aug 2012 1:53am
14th Aug 2012 11:34pm
Floating above is absolutely out of place, even for the spin,.because there is no crash or transformation. You need something more visceral to set the tone for frenzy and bloodlust.
S4 - the use of "the" so many times in such quick succession is not only lazy, but when read aloud it erodes the vitality of your subject matter. I suggest something along the lines of
the desolate yellow moon
a blood red moon
lifeless moon
I like the hint at raw aggression. The promise of darkness. Could be one of your best. Maybe put a little more in it. Maybe even the transition to beast. Briefly at the beginning.
This really is an original take on addiction. I have seen that transformation, the frenzy. You are welding this well.
S4 - the use of "the" so many times in such quick succession is not only lazy, but when read aloud it erodes the vitality of your subject matter. I suggest something along the lines of
the desolate yellow moon
a blood red moon
lifeless moon
I like the hint at raw aggression. The promise of darkness. Could be one of your best. Maybe put a little more in it. Maybe even the transition to beast. Briefly at the beginning.
This really is an original take on addiction. I have seen that transformation, the frenzy. You are welding this well.
15th Aug 2012 6:55pm
aish[elina]
thank you for that lease of fresh air. i needed
that. L1 eludes me for now. it will come back.
it has to.
i quite agree about S4. thanks to my no punctuation
vow was not sure of any other way. what you have
suggested works for me. thank you again.
wow. that was something. i had almost dumped it in the recycle bin. i know what you mean. will see about it or may be bother you about it.
in due time.
you are a blessing.:]
lovelight
sumeet
thank you for that lease of fresh air. i needed
that. L1 eludes me for now. it will come back.
it has to.
i quite agree about S4. thanks to my no punctuation
vow was not sure of any other way. what you have
suggested works for me. thank you again.
wow. that was something. i had almost dumped it in the recycle bin. i know what you mean. will see about it or may be bother you about it.
in due time.
you are a blessing.:]
lovelight
sumeet
16th Aug 2012 3:23pm
16th Aug 2012 4:03pm
imago
welcome. glad to see you 'round these parts.:]
thank you for leaving your imprints. glad it
works for you. hope to see you more often.
light,
sumeet
welcome. glad to see you 'round these parts.:]
thank you for leaving your imprints. glad it
works for you. hope to see you more often.
light,
sumeet
I love the first bit with its great furnace of imagery; how 'rusted' and 'hot white' make me think of blacksmiths' forging and welding - the way I read it that's the process of turning man into werewolf, where muscles and teeth metamorphose in this hot rage. And then those 'oo' sounds in the moon and the way they're repeated I think work great to emphasise that desolate feeling.
The word 'dangling' for me signals the change from this yearning fury into a satiated paleness, cause it's a much less definite word than the other three, hanging from the string of its letters in a shaky way. For that reason, I might have put that word after 'mangled mashed squashed' if I were you. Though I do think maybe the rhythm works better with the words in the order they're already in. So ho hum. :)
And then I really liked how those 'blind' and 'beautiful' 'b's seem to dampen and blunt the fire and from there the words feel lighter, which I think is reflected really well in the structure of the poem in the way the lines then drift apart form each other. It's like when you burn paper and grey ashy flakes of it tumble up into the air.
The word 'dangling' for me signals the change from this yearning fury into a satiated paleness, cause it's a much less definite word than the other three, hanging from the string of its letters in a shaky way. For that reason, I might have put that word after 'mangled mashed squashed' if I were you. Though I do think maybe the rhythm works better with the words in the order they're already in. So ho hum. :)
And then I really liked how those 'blind' and 'beautiful' 'b's seem to dampen and blunt the fire and from there the words feel lighter, which I think is reflected really well in the structure of the poem in the way the lines then drift apart form each other. It's like when you burn paper and grey ashy flakes of it tumble up into the air.
17th Aug 2012 4:46am
merda
i am speechless. though am bursting.:]
that strengthened my belief. about the
process of communication being relevant
in literature. in poetry. utter joy.
thank you. for being the voice from the other world that speaks to me explaining the strange and beautiful secrets visible in the higher spectrum.
i will cherish this for sometime. overwhelming
this was without doubt. for many reasons. mostly
about the forces at work behind the scenes. invisible, intangible.:]
such joy to have you around. bliss.
sumeet
p.s-now the word 'blacksmith' will be a metaphor
in my mindscape for you.:]
i am speechless. though am bursting.:]
that strengthened my belief. about the
process of communication being relevant
in literature. in poetry. utter joy.
thank you. for being the voice from the other world that speaks to me explaining the strange and beautiful secrets visible in the higher spectrum.
i will cherish this for sometime. overwhelming
this was without doubt. for many reasons. mostly
about the forces at work behind the scenes. invisible, intangible.:]
such joy to have you around. bliss.
sumeet
p.s-now the word 'blacksmith' will be a metaphor
in my mindscape for you.:]
Anonymous
17th Aug 2012 4:11am
Either this is one bad trip, or some really good drugs?
Sumeet, Sumeet, what can I say about this little piece? While crafted in such great imagery, particularly the contrast in moons, your poetic form was all over the place, and this is good. Why? Well, when writing poems of this caliber, you must put things in perspective, both visual and in read. If this poem was written in the standard, it wouldn't have the same effect it presents now. Werewolf (or werewolves) in my opinion are very restless creatures which to me explains why your MC is so. And I use the term "MC" in sigularity because (again, in my opinion) the "21 grams" represent his female counterpart.
Sumeet, Sumeet, what can I say about this little piece? While crafted in such great imagery, particularly the contrast in moons, your poetic form was all over the place, and this is good. Why? Well, when writing poems of this caliber, you must put things in perspective, both visual and in read. If this poem was written in the standard, it wouldn't have the same effect it presents now. Werewolf (or werewolves) in my opinion are very restless creatures which to me explains why your MC is so. And I use the term "MC" in sigularity because (again, in my opinion) the "21 grams" represent his female counterpart.
devlin
whom am i kidding? no drugs. i love to
distract the reader, manipulate, blur the
lines, mix it up and create seamless structures.
when they send me PMs and congratulate me for
dealing with death, heartbreak and whatnot i
take a sick pleasure out of it. there, i said
it. i have not done drugs. hashish loved me
from time to time.:] this is in the wrong/
right category. let's say an experiment
with conditioning.
now everything you have said makes me ponder.
i had written the first two verses and then it was
in the recycle bin. two days back while cleaning,
i opened it and added the rest of it. i am
astounded that at a subconscious scale i
connected the images and something was
born. rather images forged and emerged
as one.
'restless'. yes. quite. that one word made me
dance in joy. thank you. mucho gracias.
howl,
sumeet
p.s-thank you for listing. and making me think
on so many levels. special.:]
whom am i kidding? no drugs. i love to
distract the reader, manipulate, blur the
lines, mix it up and create seamless structures.
when they send me PMs and congratulate me for
dealing with death, heartbreak and whatnot i
take a sick pleasure out of it. there, i said
it. i have not done drugs. hashish loved me
from time to time.:] this is in the wrong/
right category. let's say an experiment
with conditioning.
now everything you have said makes me ponder.
i had written the first two verses and then it was
in the recycle bin. two days back while cleaning,
i opened it and added the rest of it. i am
astounded that at a subconscious scale i
connected the images and something was
born. rather images forged and emerged
as one.
'restless'. yes. quite. that one word made me
dance in joy. thank you. mucho gracias.
howl,
sumeet
p.s-thank you for listing. and making me think
on so many levels. special.:]
