THE HOARDER

The day when I open my eyes and see, will this day ever come to find me?
Is it possible to take these dreams and make them my own reality?
Is it possible to step in without being pushed aside and pushed around?
Will this day ever come for me?
Will they ever see me for who I know that I really am?
Push me aside as only being an object please….
Please just see me and accept me for the girl who I am on the inside.
Can you see it? I consist of so much more then the eye can see.
Please listen to me as I am capable of being so much more then the girl who you have only known me to be so far.
Beneath all of this, all of this chaos that I feel inside there is yet a calmness, a spark of innocence beneath all of this ugly, all of this shame that has been keeping a record of me every day now.
I am a hoarder when it comes to my emotions because I do not know how to let go of them without losing myself completely in the process of the making and I am miserable.
I am miserable with this junk, this garbage, all of my complexities about myself when it comes to the matter of my emotional well being and social development, all of this is only keeping me back selfishly and it prohibits me from going anywhere without it, or anyone else seeing beyond it, I know they see it because the only things anyone looks at when it come to me is the things they see that are wrong with me.
All of this emotional junk that I keep in a backpack as big as the world as I walk around and around outside of this planet; It keeps me back as I keep my back turned away from the sun because I keep the weight of the world on my shoulders and in my heart and it takes all of my strength just to push forward one step at a time.
My mother always told me to keep my bedroom clean, I say its passed time I clean out my  inner closet, before I end up squished to death beneath all of this avalanche swallows me.
It Has taken me nearly eighteen years now to come to terms and face the fact that yes, I am a hoarder, now I wonder why it took me so long to realize this. It’s been so hard to eliminate all of this truck load after truck load, shovel after shovel bag of trash after bag of trash.
I held on to all of this because I thought it reminded me of better times, when things were alright at one time or another, and, strangely enough I felt that, if I held on to all of this then maybe it would bring life back to that point to begin with. Like so many other things, it all began with good intentions, innocent hopes because I hate to admit the fact that yes, there are heart strings to all of this and eliminating it, I felt would only be me throwing away pieces of my life that might still mean something, I get this feeling that eliminating would do me more harm than good, but over the years I’ve drug in more and more, other mortal’s problems, things I never wanted to be a part of but somehow I have ended up being caught up in the middle of it all. The drama of everything has turned my life and everything in it into nothing more than a figurative junkyard but, I am accepting it all for the valueless crock of shit it has all turned out to be after all of these years.
Memories will remain branded and scars will remain just what they are but it doesn’t mean that I have to wallow in this for the rest of my life because it drags me down, it traps me. It’s a mess so bad that I have refused to let anyone in, I refused to let anyone see this or find me beneath any of this but I’m tired of it diary.
I’m tired of this loneliness and being as selfish as I have been, it comes down to two things only with me right now.
It all comes down to, you are either a hoarder, or you live your life, there are no ways to get around the obvious, So far I’ve been a hoarder like they have been telling me, but it’s been me alone who has realized it and I have decided, I decided that I want to start living.
I want to start living, and that doesn’t mean that I am always going to be happy, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to be lonely anymore. It means, enough time has passed already and I am ready to crawl out of this lonely shell. Im never going to forget any of this that I have pulled through so far, but I really think that if I can work up the gut to start tossing, to start bagging up and to start shovling away this misery, this sadness then I think I could make my mother proud. I think there could be a conversion here with me when it comes to my dark side, I think I could really be ready to step out before the sun and walk down the street without regretting, without question or heitating but set out to find answers and completely develope my inner light my sister tells me that I have inside of me.