deepundergroundpoetry.com
Marie.
As if I am the Son of God
mucus rolls down my throat
searing into my stomach and
I'm coming to the realization
I was born for the sole
purpose of sobbing—
Suffering your consequence,
I am left to be lashed
by the culture-shock
that is death
once again.
If I had been
a bit more inviting
I wonder if you would
have laid your pain on me...
No need,
I know the trials of
pain and death
good and well
by now.
Still, I cannot help but wonder:
Had you known, before putting that pistol to your head
that the bullet would end up in my chest
Would you have still forsaken me?
mucus rolls down my throat
searing into my stomach and
I'm coming to the realization
I was born for the sole
purpose of sobbing—
Suffering your consequence,
I am left to be lashed
by the culture-shock
that is death
once again.
If I had been
a bit more inviting
I wonder if you would
have laid your pain on me...
No need,
I know the trials of
pain and death
good and well
by now.
Still, I cannot help but wonder:
Had you known, before putting that pistol to your head
that the bullet would end up in my chest
Would you have still forsaken me?
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comments 21
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Re: Marie.
27th Jul 2012 11:58am
Re: Marie.
Anonymous
27th Jul 2012 12:22pm
I thought this was a very strong poem with a great opening. There are parts that I favour over others but I think it's a great piece. I love the last four lines.
Nice job!
C
Nice job!
C
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re: Re: Marie.
28th Jul 2012 7:52am
Re: Marie.
27th Jul 2012 11:15pm
Re: Marie.
1st Aug 2012 8:35am
re: Re: Marie.
1st Aug 2012 9:32am
Re: Marie.
3rd Aug 2012 7:00am
The first verse is fantastic, tones of sarcasm, frustration and general acidity. I like how the middle explores ideas, gradually hinting in til the end verse revelation changes everything you've been reading.
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re: Re: Marie.
3rd Aug 2012 7:29pm
Re: Marie.
16th Aug 2012 7:48am
Carla.
I agree with Cthonian. It's a very strong poem.
I have no real advice or suggestions for you on this one. If I'd change anything at all it might be second line second stanza.
Suffering your consequence,
am I left to be lashed
by the culture-shock
that is death
once again?
I turned the first two words around so the stanza forms a question rather than a statement so it might tie in with the question at the very end.
by no means better, just different :)
anyhow Carla, powerful stuff. fair play.
I agree with Cthonian. It's a very strong poem.
I have no real advice or suggestions for you on this one. If I'd change anything at all it might be second line second stanza.
Suffering your consequence,
am I left to be lashed
by the culture-shock
that is death
once again?
I turned the first two words around so the stanza forms a question rather than a statement so it might tie in with the question at the very end.
by no means better, just different :)
anyhow Carla, powerful stuff. fair play.
0
re: Re: Marie.
16th Aug 2012 9:21am
Thank you.
and I love your change up of the original. Reminds me to play around with my stanzas.
and I love your change up of the original. Reminds me to play around with my stanzas.
Marie.
18th Aug 2012 10:13am
So very poignant and true Carla, the suffering is for those left behind.
Great expression and write.
Great expression and write.
0
re: Marie.
Re: Marie.
19th Aug 2012 8:12pm
The structure follows the context...count down with a hesitation...good writing...
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re: Re: Marie.
19th Aug 2012 8:20pm
Re: Marie.
29th Aug 2012 4:31pm
"Had you known, before putting that pistol to your head
that the bullet would end up in my chest
Would you have still forsaken me?"
Absolutely heartrendingly sad. You are a beautiful writer, thanks for luring me to your poetry with your three words. I will be subscribing :) Feel free to check out some of my poetry as well.
Thanks,
AlwaysCaliban
that the bullet would end up in my chest
Would you have still forsaken me?"
Absolutely heartrendingly sad. You are a beautiful writer, thanks for luring me to your poetry with your three words. I will be subscribing :) Feel free to check out some of my poetry as well.
Thanks,
AlwaysCaliban
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re: Re: Marie.
30th Aug 2012 00:53am
Re: Marie.
7th Sep 2012 5:45am
I'm glad to have read this poem, I think she'd feel the same way as you if I did that, the last thing I'd wanna do is hurt her all because I allowed myself to be selfish and self-centerd.
Thanks I really needed that, excellent piece of work. Sabbath
Thanks I really needed that, excellent piece of work. Sabbath
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Re: Marie.
20th Nov 2012 2:41am
i really like the part about blowing ones own head off and catching you in the chest....pretty brilliant.
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