EXIT.

I wrote this a while ago and polished it up with the help of some poets at the pig pen. I'm still looking for more advice if needed.

the shame of infidelity.
(SPACE)
My lips tremble
and my sinuses burn constantly
as if consuming bleach

IMHO

this is a really good piece and I am glad you are seeking to tweak it....sometimes the slightest nuance can send it right over into stardom....

thank you. :)
The space is so much less cluttery. lol, the most obvious things are so hard for me to see.

Thank you. :)

okay, i think this is really solid framework and i don't want to seem like i'm trying to rewrite your poem, but here's just my take on what's going on and even if you completely disagree and ignore everything, that'll be perfectly fine by me:


It’s not easy being filthy.
 
Women warn their daughters of me
while their husbands lost in ecstasy
wrap the sheets around my throat
Strangling
the shame of infidelity.

>>>i feel like you could use either more punctuation or more line breaks in this,
like 'while their husbands, lost in ecstasy,' or 'while their husbands/lost in ecstasy/wrap...'
also, i'm torn between liking 'strangling'  on its own and wishing 'strangling the shame' was a line, just for rhythmical purposes.

Can you believe I’m their favorite drink?
They swallow me whole;
my pain, deep and swelling in their chests
like the midnight sobs that I cannot suppress.

>>> again with the punctuation idea in 'my pain, deep and swelling in their chests' or 'my pain/deep and swelling in their chests/like..' or


also, i think the subtle rhyme at the end was really rad.


i really hope this isn't too obnoxious.




(:])

Not obnoxious at all! Thank you so much.

Such a temptress! Very good write, now go to your room and dont come out till you're 40, lol... JJ

haha. Thank you.

Carla

some powerful lines. straight in the gut.
love the brutality. aglitch has done it,
already and i agree with most of what
she has said. its powerful as it is.

a bit of structuring will do the rest.

pigpen people are mostly big on punctuation
and capitalization. i dont follow any, so i
am the last person to make suggestions.

however i would suggest you to play a bit
with the structure here.  

i hope you don't mind. it's just an example.
i have changed line breaks to show you
the effect.

"It’s not easy being filthy.
[damn fine first line. bang!]

Women warn their daughters of me
while their husbands
lost in ecstasy
wrap the sheets
around my throat
strangling
the shame
of infidelity.

[S2 begins well. the punch carries itself.
love the action here. i have arranged it
according to my own taste. i found the
whole scene needed to breathe in its
entirety. just me.]

My lips tremble
and my sinuses burn
constantly like I’ve drank
bottles of bleach

[pure gold. well done.]

Can you believe
I’m their favorite drink?
They swallow me whole;
my pain, deep and swelling
in their chests
like the midnight sobs
that I cannot suppress.

[my favourite bit. perfect as it is.
i have restructured it again based on
my own understanding of the poem.

punctuation is not my strong suit, so i
play with structures. that's what i have
shown here. just me.

a wonderful read, m'dear.

keep them coming.

power,

sumeet

Thank you! I love this structure much more.

ah! quite effective now.well done.

just one last suggestion. i am in love
with the beginning of the last stanza.
i feel they should stand alone, breathing
on their own.

"Can you believe  
I’m their favorite drink?"

and then

the rest..

this is frigging too good to not have
a place of its own.

just a thought.:]

much love,

sumeet

Well written Naughty poem I loved it

Ha, I really like it.. dirty girl 0-o

If you have nothing of importance to say just leave. I don't need /flirty/ comments about being a "dirty girl". There is a reason this isn't marked as erotic because it's not supposed to be. It is supposed to introduce the heart wrenching realities of prostitutes and women who use sex as a shield. Please go read some smut on this site and don't return to my poems until you can behave. From now on comments of this nature will be disregarded.

hello carla

sweet i love it all, i love the poem (i assume the edits are complete) there is nothing i would change now, i think the point is vivid, the writing exceptional and the flow lovely. reminds me of myself in a metaphorical way.

i also love the comment reply above, if i could i would give you a standing ovation for it.

xoxo
(P)

Thank you :]

thank you for sharing this poem.x

You're welcome.

very cool opening apart from the "while their husbands, lost in xtc" bit
theres no sense of action, so it could be someone else lost in ecstasy.

im sure you could make it flow better too, the use of the word infidelity seems out of place, too clunky.

as does sinuses.

anyway im out of energy now and my comments only reflect my idea of poetry so take what u will

Thank you for your comment.

great poem.x

thank you, Pip!