deepundergroundpoetry.com
judas kiss
one more case
of beer
down
heavy on my soul
it does not
take away
the hurt
of his absence
or the reasons
for my judas kiss
that burns through
the cans
faster
than i can pour
them down my throat
2012
of beer
down
heavy on my soul
it does not
take away
the hurt
of his absence
or the reasons
for my judas kiss
that burns through
the cans
faster
than i can pour
them down my throat
2012
Published 13th Jun 2012
| Edited 17th Jun 2012
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likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 8
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The author encourages honest critique.
13th Jun 2012 11:26am
Raw, short and bittersweet. I can relate to this write. One little thing. "absence" not "abscence".
Nice work.
Peace, Indie.
Nice work.
Peace, Indie.
Anonymous
- Edited 13th Jun 2012 11:57pm
13th Jun 2012 11:56pm
Hi, Chewy, loved this little piece. IMO, instead of the title "Betrayal" I would have personally used "Judas Kiss" it sounds more inviting and less cliched:)
15th Jun 2012 6:57am
thanks devlin, have changed the name as you suggested. looks better now. :]
14th Jun 2012 6:11am
15th Jun 2012 6:58am
Anonymous
15th Jun 2012 3:46pm
"Absence" in L8 should be spelt like so.
Are you using "Judas [should be capitalised as it's a name] kiss" as a metaphor for cheating?
I like the very short lines effect. In a way they mirror the sight of beer pouring down. "Heavy on my soul" was a nice line too; it made me feel that the narrator was trying to dull his emotions with alcohol, and thus stop hurting. Thanks for the read.
Are you using "Judas [should be capitalised as it's a name] kiss" as a metaphor for cheating?
I like the very short lines effect. In a way they mirror the sight of beer pouring down. "Heavy on my soul" was a nice line too; it made me feel that the narrator was trying to dull his emotions with alcohol, and thus stop hurting. Thanks for the read.
17th Jun 2012 9:20am
thanks for commenting Jack. :] I will fix absence again. judas kiss isn't a metaphor for cheating, but i see how i make that impression.
