deepundergroundpoetry.com
Beginning
Heaven has lost us, love
so stop staring at the skies.
We've been abandoned;
left to search for ourselves.
We'll end up as bones and flies.
Nothing of us will remain;
we are mortal spirits, trying
to outlive the eternal clouds.
I'll always give you my eye
even when the skin is lying.
Heaven has lost us, love
so look to the skies within.
We'll fly them for now,
we'll fly them soon after
for death is where we begin.
so stop staring at the skies.
We've been abandoned;
left to search for ourselves.
We'll end up as bones and flies.
Nothing of us will remain;
we are mortal spirits, trying
to outlive the eternal clouds.
I'll always give you my eye
even when the skin is lying.
Heaven has lost us, love
so look to the skies within.
We'll fly them for now,
we'll fly them soon after
for death is where we begin.
Published 10th Jun 2012
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likes 2
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comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
10th Jun 2012 12:44pm
10th Jun 2012 4:12pm
the repetition in these stanzas feels like trying and soothing; like the narrator is pressing and convincing himself as well as the subject. i like the hope that's still there and the rhyme scheme doesn't feel at all contrived. write on, my friend. [:
10th Jun 2012 10:23pm
Yes I suppose the narrator is a little hopeful.
You're far too kind, Jesta and thank you for your good words. :)
You're far too kind, Jesta and thank you for your good words. :)
11th Jun 2012 5:25am
Mr. A
There are bigger crimes in the world.
Than rhyme.:)
I am glad you exercised that in this write. Gives this a sense of justified awareness and a raw innocence. The build-up is immaculate and I love how you have presented the idea. In the last line.
'I'll always give you my eye
even when the skin is lying. '
Loved these lines. Captivating.
Another fine write, sir.
Respect,
Sumeet
There are bigger crimes in the world.
Than rhyme.:)
I am glad you exercised that in this write. Gives this a sense of justified awareness and a raw innocence. The build-up is immaculate and I love how you have presented the idea. In the last line.
'I'll always give you my eye
even when the skin is lying. '
Loved these lines. Captivating.
Another fine write, sir.
Respect,
Sumeet
Why thank you, Sumeet.
Suppose it doesn't hurt anyone, maybe just their eyes a little bit.
Glad you liked it. Once again, thanks.
Suppose it doesn't hurt anyone, maybe just their eyes a little bit.
Glad you liked it. Once again, thanks.
