deepundergroundpoetry.com

seascapes

I was secure, attached and safe
then your ocean cut me away
drinking the land that was the weakest
an island, no land in sight,
no pin prick beacons in the canvas

surrounded by curves and circles
every direction the same
encompassing bulging tides
so I filter you through black sands

your undertows organise the end:
pebbles of gravestones
scattering your bedding
so sleep awaits
for it is impassible

I see no sun, no day or night
just seascape reflections
swallowing land's solitude
and depriving it of existence

no more life within you
just your beating waves
and a weightless smile hangs
where the horizon was once proud

between marrowless rock
and burnt black sands
I'm nothing but internal streams
of deep black purple dreams
gushing into your abyss
conspiring against my captivity
puzzling your aqua conundrums

Written by MrAlptraum

(Mr A)

Published 4th Jun 2012 | Edited 5th Jun 2012

All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.

likes 5 reading list entries 0

comments 6 reads 751

Commenting Preference:

The author encourages honest critique.

Whitewand6

5th Jun 2012 10:05am

Mr. A

So far I had heard/read it from others.

Now I have a glimpse. Beautiful poetry.
Fluid, timeless and tangible. You are a
painter. Your canvas is a portal and it
entices the reader to take a step inside
it and let the words form the collective crescendo.

Very effective and effortless writing.
You are a natural, sir. And you paint
just too well.

'and a weightless smile hangs
where the horizon was once proud'

This is beautiful. Very effective in the
context. Almost one sees a pair of lips
curved in a smile in the nude blue.

I loved the end. Very cinematic. Every line
in this poem is a photograph.

Write on, poet

Respect.

Sumeet

p.s- A few things...

-'drinking the land that was weakest..'

Needs a 'the'(Being a superlative)

-'and burnt black sands'

Sand being an uncountable noun,
should be used in the singular form.

-'I'm nothing but internal streams'

I felt something amiss. A little tweak may be.

-'I'm nothing but a series of internal streams'

This is to combine two thoughts which are different(Singular/plural). In a strictly grammatical sense. All of course, JMHO.

Read poems by Whitewand6

MrAlptraum (Mr A)

5th Jun 2012 9:17pm

I believe it looks good as 'sands', as it gives a more vast feel because I'm talking of an island with more than one shore. You see?

A 'the' before 'weakest' is a good idea and won't do any harm. :)

Overall I'm glad you liked it. I'm in danger of becoming too metaphoric these days and losing anyone that dares to read. Haha.

As always, I appreciate your praise and time to dissect and help.