Existential Dread

I realized today why I have existential dread. Its darker reasons.
 
I have existential dread about why money exists, why people wear clothes, and so forth because my family made me feel disgusting. Like an animal. Not a human. Not a beautiful soul. But a body that they could take advantage of. That they could beat, rape, and destroy. I never felt like anything but a meat suit. A piece of meat.
 
I remember when I was 21, going out with this guy, thinking I liked him, but then going to the restroom, being vulnerable in there, feeling disgusted. All I kept thinking was "We are animals and nothing more."
 
In my world, I am boobs and an ass. That's it. That's why I wanted to cut off my breasts when I get in these body dysmorphic phases. That's why I used to squeeze my nipples, wanting them to bleed indefinitely.  
 
Recently, a guy on Instagram tried to message me. It was in the message requests. It said: "Hey is everything okay?" Time stood still when he said that. I'm realizing I can't really be me without someone being "concerned." But it doesn't feel like genuine concern to me. It just feels like they are taking away my voice. At any moment, my voice could be taken away. I'm very lucky I even have this platform because there are not many places I can truly share things like this. I'm very lucky. I sometimes don't know how I'm alive or how I got to where I am today- with friends, with my art, with everything. I don't have a concept of people truly caring about me or allowing me to have my voice. There is no concept of that anywhere usually. If I express myself, it's too dark, it's too sexual, it's inappropriate, it's forbidden. There is no "being me." I have a corner of this world, and that's it.
 
When I was younger, I had this pink bunny, and I roleplayed with it. I pretended it was naked in the bathtub just like my father was when I flirted with him. I'm realizing more and more that my childhood was that of a serial killer's. It was that bad, that pitch black darkness.
 
I feel numb, knowing I rather be alone than surround myself in groups where I know at any moment, I could be cast out... Because I don't belong anywhere. And I don't want to listen to other people talk when I know I'm not really important anywhere. I'm encouraged sure, but I'm never the one that's gets picked to be a friend. Which is why Meetup for me is stupid. I might go back on there, but I might not. Because I realize being alone is where I can be me. Not because I have toxic shame like I used to. But because people literally don't want me to be me.
 
I'm the lost cause case, the girl who's asked if she's okay and is looked at like a freak show instead of a person with goals and aspirations. It seems like people usually don't just want me to have my voice. I can't be validated like everyone else is so easily.
 
I'm that girl in a silent room. No applause. Just silence. Because I made everyone around me speechless.