Grieving

Grieving on how my story was always too dark to be told. That when I told it, I'd either get censored, be told I'm too triggering, or be looked at with those pitiful eyes. I get that not everyone will do this, but it happens enough times to where it's saddening.

I'm alone often for this reason. I don't want to talk because it takes up too much energy to do so. Which is why I've ignored talking on YouTube for months and months. The expectation to do it perfectly makes me wanna drop dead. Other people's expectations scare me. I must do it solely for me. But still I absorb people's opinions like a sponge.

I only talk to my friends who understand me. I don't have room for those who get triggered easily or offended easily. They have no space in my heart or life. Because I need people who accept the real me- dark and all.

I need people to accept that I've learned a lot of toxic, codependent behaviors from my parents and sister. Accept that I have a possessive, obsessive side that ultimately has a need for something. It needs to know that I'm allowed to feel angry, sadness, and hurt, and that I'm not just someone who is endlessly giving and empathetic to those who wish to take and take. That I stand up for myself. That I find clarity in my need to be heard.

I'm grieving that my pain was too much for this world to bear. The world threw me away, and I'm digging myself out of the trash- a diamond in the rough.

Through all this pain is a girl just like any other, needing comfort, support, and love. The love that never wants to let go. Not in a controlling way, but in a way that says:

"Welcome home."