My Biggest Fear

My Biggest Fear

I'm still not writing my novel. I only finished that novelette a while back.

And I'm afraid of letting the love I felt for Josh in. Afraid of seeming crazy.

Afraid most importantly of his potential rejection. I think about it a lot, and I just can't help it.

I trust that I'm feeling this way for a reason, and I honor it. Because if I don't honor it, I will fall into the trap of perfectionism which leads to my self harm cycle. I'll want to hit myself and hurt myself for not doing things perfectly. Which is why I allow negative thoughts to come. I allow the tears to cleanse me. I allow the intense fear of abandonment to guide me. I allow what seems like an obsession to inform me on how deeply I still love and wish for connection. I'm not weak for any of this. The fear is there for a reason. But regardless, I always wish to freely be myself even if it turns out that Josh doesn't want me.

I'm starting to doubt if I even want reunion. If I even want to know if he loved me. I'm terrified of the answer regardless of my self worth. I know it would naturally come, and I won't be able to handle it well. I'll probably cry incessantly or worse, run. Run away and never return.

I'm terrified of this being my reaction. Even as a Sigma female, I don't feel like I'm in control when I'm around this one person.

I feel like if I saw him in a grocery store today, I'd run far across the other end of the grocery store, hoping I don't get crushed by the insecurities that get exposed when around him.

It is this very person who makes me realize how much I've denied my need for people since people are never there. I don't expect others to be there for me in tough times. I've learned to handle it on my own. Again, I feel like I'm still standing on the edge of an abyss, waiting to be willingly shoved inside by everyone around me.

I'll admit to becoming bitter due to knowing this is the truth, but not so much that I'm unable to smile or laugh like it's nothing.

I've stopped crying out for help in a society that would shun me and then later blame me for not seeking help. I'm not really fazed by people's attempts to throw acid on my self worth. I had to embrace solitude, not by mere choice, but out of necessity.

I know my problems are way too big for anyone to handle, so I stopped expecting love to be given to me the same way it's given to others. I'm that girl who's so insightful to make an entire support group feel enlightened in my presence, but I don't know if I'll ever be that girl who a man will propose to or a woman would invite me to be her friend with open arms.

I'm talking about things like this a lot because it deeply bothers me.

Not because my self worth is tied to these things. But rather because despite me wanting these things, I don't see myself getting them.

I know for certainty that I've had many special experiences with both men and women where I was like a magnet that they were drawn to. But still, I'm not able to lie to myself. I only love Josh, and women usually don't wish to be friends with me.

At least I'm honest with how I am feeling. I highly sense that my trauma and mental illnesses are a barrier to romantic relationships or friendships. But the days are over where I beat myself up over this. I am special just like anyone else, and I deserve a place here. I'm fighting for real change on these issues involving having violent tendencies and more.

I have a strong personality many cannot handle, which is why it's just safer being alone.

Safer than admitting how much I need Josh and my friends when they are just as dead inside if not more dead inside than me. I feel like I'm in a sea full of dead people, and I'm the only living being swimming against the current. Swimming against the voices that tell me I'm a monster and nothing more. I love where I am and who I'm becoming.

I won't deny that facing Josh might be an impossible task or facing rejection of any kind, but I don't wish to annihilate myself anymore.

Because no matter what happens, I have my inner strength, my inner knowing.

It doesn't change the fact that I might die by suicide if I dissociate hard enough and if I'm in enough distress.

But while I still have full rein of my consciousness, I remain alive.

Alive, not pretending I have it all together, but rather celebrating the fact that I'm still learning. Celebrating that I'm terrified of rejection, terrified of this pain, terrified of another slap in the face as to why I can never be worthy to someone else. Not even Josh who deeply understands me.

I honestly give up on the idea that I can be loved in the conventional way of marriage and grand gestures. But in the glimpses that I do experience love is magical and free. By Josh. By my friends. By everyone.

I'm still scared that everyone will get their happy ending but me. Scared that writing these stories is insane and nothing more.

But I know on some level that it isn't. Whatever I experienced with Josh especially was beyond the scope of time and the physical. Others have seen Josh's presence even when I knew he wasn't around, and I'm supposed to be the schizophrenic one...

I'm resisting these intense feelings hardcore, scared that if I cry, that I am weak.

Sadly, all I think I can handle is the Darryl & Diana stories. The fantasy, not the reality.

Back in January, someone on my YouTube channel had commented on a couple of my videos, saying they wanted to feed me and love me and take care of me. Saying indirectly that they were Josh himself. And that we belong together. Wanting to know if I wanted to be his secret girlfriend like Darryl would ask Diana. It was weird. It had to mean something, but I'm scared. I'm scared of the possibility of it being true equally as I'm scared it was just some guy trolling. It didn't feel like a troll. It felt real and authentic.

But I want to shake my head, denying this existence, denying the eternal bond I feel with him that transcends any negative words we could say to one another. When I am my truest self, I realize that Josh lives within me. My true self isn't an act trying to seem like him. But essentially that I am him without trying to be.

I don't trust the connection at all, but I respect my distrust. I respect my fears of deep abandonment wounds.

And when I'm ready to face these stories again, I'll know that I never had anything to be afraid of or ashamed of. I still don't know that as of now, thinking I must run from my feelings and pretend I don't love him and pretend that this moving on process feels nearly impossible.