May as Well be Dead

I can't remember how to smile
So many years of sadness
Piled upon loneliness
I think, a long time ago, some held me in warm arms
But I think it might just have been a fantasy
I hurt inside so hard I can't tell what is in pain
I think it might be my heart but I don't know
I don't remember what my heart felt like
Some distant echoes, a noise like a drum
But it has faded away beneath a sheet of white noise
The pain only goes away when I fall asleep
When i dream of shadows that surround me in screams
Life is only a gift when it feels good to be alive
But I haven't felt that since 1985
I don't know why I try. I have no hope for love
I just fantasize someone will hold me and kiss me goodnight
The light that once burned within
Is now a wick of ash drowned in dried up candle wax