the only solution to the mess you made is to blow everything up

1. This is our first Christmas without you
I keep thinking it's strange
I don't have to buy you snacks
this year
because what else do you buy
the man that doesn't need anything?

2. There's a division so wide
we'll never conquer it
and so far I'm the only one
thinking about this rift you cultivated
and trying to figure out
why it was easier for you
to put knives in your children's hands
and have them fight each other
for your love
rather than have enough love to give

3. I always thought my mother
was the glue
but she's the solvent
and my fingerprints
no longer have any currency
and when I slip away
everyone will wonder why
I sought an alternate timeline
to fall in to

4. It's really hard to cry
when I'm stoned
maybe that's why I've restarted
the chase
numb is easier
than facing heartache

5. Ignorance is blissful
and I wish this hate
wasn't the legacy
that was left for me

6. I would rather live a lie
than know how little I matter
because the truth is lonely
now that I can't unknow it

7. My brother said he'll never talk to me
again
after this
and I don't know whether to be sad
or relieved
or what kind of vitriol he'll drop
into my lap before he slams
the door closed

8. I'm only useless
because I won't be a tool

9. I love myself enough
to make myself in my own image