Timagination's Basic Guide to Women

Welcome. I couldn't decide on a title for this, so I had to leave it a bit vague after the words "basic guide to..." Words like "decoding women," "surviving women," "dating women," and "getting along with women" were all thrown around but didn't quite fit.
 
The original title was: "Timagination's Basic Attempt to Decode Women Even Though He's Never Been Married But Has Heard So Much from Other Guys and He has Writer's Block So He Needs to Write Something Even If It Sucks, and the Women Abandon Him Because of It."
 
Speaking of women: for those who couldn't help but look and wonder what this is about, just remember two things: humor and satire.
 
Look into Timagination's eyes: Huuuuuumooooor and saaaatiiiire.
 
Okay, so here we go.
 
ONE: WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT
 
Okay, men, remember: we're from Mars and women are from Venus. You're going to discover—if you haven't already—that they speak a different language. For example, when your wife says, "Don't forget to pick up bread tomorrow," what she's really saying is... buy us a new kitchen floor.  
 
TWO: HER BIRTHDAY
 
Always remember your wife's birthday and anniversary. Give her a fresh bouquet of aromatic flowers if that's what she likes. If you've forgotten about her birthday or anniversary and it dawns on you at the last minute, don't let her notice that empty patch of flowers in your backyard garden. ;) If you have to, tell her you saw a large brown rodent back there eating something this afternoon... that'll work.  
 
THREE: A SIDE BENEFIT
 
Whether you're married or just dating, try to do little things for her. Volunteer to wash the dishes after supper or do her laundry. Believe it or not, this could benefit you immensely later on in the bedroom. Loads of affection will take place all at once. I think you know what I mean. (If that's what you're looking for, of course. Haha, wink, wink).
 
FOUR: TIME
 
Always keep a book or magazine inside your car. If your girlfriend/wife meets up with a girlfriend in the store/pharmacy and starts gabbing, it'll take a while. Even if they're only talking about a new skirt they saw online (to you and me, it would bear a strange resemblance to flotation bags sewn together), they'll start from there and keep going.
 
FIVE: TESTING TIME
 
If you have a new girlfriend, expect her to test you. She wants to see if you have backbone. As I said before, they're a species from a different planet, and oftentimes they examine us through confrontation and drama. If you think this trait only happens with grown women, think again, mister. I saw two seven-year-old girls berating their father the other day. With machine-gun precision, they threw one question after another at him with no signs of letting up. Chilling, isn't it? Are you and your new girlfriend going to a party, a movie, or her mother's house? Be smart and prepare yourself mentally beforehand.
 
A goaltender prepares for a game with padding and a mask to protect his body. Do likewise by gearing up with some psychological fortification. Be ready for some shots to be thrown at you from nowhere when you least expect it. If she turns out to be nuts and all forms of communication break down, casually cover up your crotch if you think there's a chance she might get violent.
 
Curse a few times at your imaginary friend if necessary. You may also require dance music if needed. (See number SEVEN for more information). If you must, abandon the mission altogether. Don't take any unnecessary risks, and don't say I didn't warn you. You know what to do.
 
SIX: GHOSTS?
 
You may wonder why she talks so much. Why all the questions too? After you've known her a while, every now and then, you'll get too tired to answer her back. Try to pick up on conversations after you've noticed she's gone silent. See if you can remember key words she spoke. If she blurts out, "Did you hear anything I just said to you?" change the subject in a subversive way that will throw her off guard with the element of surprise:
 
"I was just thinking about how much I missed you when I was cleaning out the gerbil cage today."
 
This may or may not work, but there's another way that will:
 
"You know, I'm not trying to change the subject, but something's going on in this house that's weird." When she wants to know what you're talking about, mention something about ghosts. They like things like that and stuff about psychics. Remember, women are from Venus. There could be a connection.
 
In either case, she may stare at you for a few moments; she's confused, but at least you'll enjoy a couple of seconds of quiet. I realize some men will take a more aggressive approach, but I'll avoid that here. :)
 
SEVEN: BATHROOM TIME
 
If you're going to live together, find a place outside where you can pee if you don't have a second bathroom. When she takes a shower, she may be in there at least an hour or more, and she's not coming out. Even though she's only doing her hair, she might have archeologist syndrome. That's where they search themselves for flaws until they discover any small imperfection.
 
True, not all women are like this, but in any case, if you're just dating and you see a radio in her bathroom, beware. Scientists and boyfriends have known for years about the link between radio waves, dance music, and a woman's behavior. You've probably noticed it puts them in a more cheerful and celebratory mood, which has been known to go on for hours if enabled.
 
I don't want to get off the topic but, in the future, this celebratory element may lend itself to a special electronic device men can utilize to interrupt the flow of a woman's brainwaves when you're dealing with her angry outbursts. It could calm her down much quicker than a radio, if successful. Of course, she may want to dance with you, but this data is still in the beginning stages of development.
 
Scientists are also working on a device men can use to stimulate sexual desire in his wife/girlfriend instantaneously. It works by a... well... you know what... they'll never find anything like that... never mind.
 
EIGHT: RIGHT AND WRONG
 
Sometimes when you're right, you're wrong. This ties in with number one.
 
NINE: JOKES
 
I once read that if a woman laughs at all your jokes, no matter how bad they are, she likes you. I was with a woman who did this one night. We laughed like hell. I had tears rolling down my cheeks. When a guy friend who was walking by stopped to chat, she laughed just as hard at his jokes too. They were married four months later.
 
TEN: UH, HOLD ON.
 
If a woman looks at your hiney, she may be attracted to you. If she stares into your eyes or touches you, she may be attracted to you. If she's talking to a friend and they're both looking your way, she's talking about you. If she's flirting with you and you notice a bulge in her pants when she stands up, run! (Unless you're gay and you like that type of person. :)
 
AND THE LAST BONUS THING
 
Finally, never cheat on your girlfriend/wife. She'll never forget it for as long as she's alive and will use it as artillery against you in some way later on. Here's an example if you're married:
 
"We'll get a new car in a couple of months when I have more money."
 
"Why is it taking so long? Are you using the money somewhere else I don't know about?"
 
"Where else would I be using it?"
 
"Yeah, I wonder, huh?"
 
She could also just stare at you with a condescending look and not say a word. That's even worse.
 
FINALLY
 
Anyway, do you have anything you'd like to add to the rest of this? Please feel free, but remember it was written with a dose of humor. I love women. Thanks for reading.
 
P.S. To be on the safe side, I never mentioned money, wild women, or those bad-boy gents they tend to fall for. Perhaps someone else can pick up where I left off. For that matter, maybe a woman here can write a guide to men?  :)