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Time Shall Tell

 It seems I fail constantly; I push forward just to be pushed back. I hold on to be let go of.  Regardless of the trials and tribulations we go through, I don’t get people’s all. I get shunned out, left in the dark; lead on to believe something else, as if there is no way out. That everything is going to be like this. And what is this all for? What are the reasons? I close my eyes and see so many great things, then after issues arise; I close my eyes and see all of the bad, with no remorse from both sides. I am worn down; I am tired of the same routine simultaneously, never changing it up.

I try hard yet it seems as though it doesn’t matter at times, defeated by everything that matters to me. It seems as if I am let down by my own emotions and self desires; an insatiable need to be set free from this self imprisonment. So, I hide in this darkness, behind my mask, even though I know the world see’s my pain through my eyes. My emotions are overwhelmed with so many things. I am so lost in a surreal dream that seems to be stuck on repeat never changing, never ending. Everlasting pleasure mixed with everlasting hurt and let down.

Perhaps I demand too much out of people? Do I expect too much from those I care for? Is it so wrong to want such great things out of life? “This too shall pass.” When? What do I have to do to make it pass by? The thoughts always remain there in the back of my head. The hurt always takes a toll on my heart.

I feel the deceit deep within me, taking for granted by the ones closest to me. I know things are not as they seem. Maybe I am looking at it all wrong? Is there a different way I should look at certain things? I can’t seem to get myself in order. So lost without a purpose, it seems at times. Just like confusion at its best ability. Maybe that is how people want it to be though. Maybe I am supposed to be lost and confused beyond recognition. Perhaps I am not giving everyone everything they need? Or maybe it is just my insecurities getting the best of me again. Self defeat to the fullest, as I have grown accustom to, which it is my own fault.

My motivation level is depleting greatly, I can’t stop it. I am not sure why it feels as if it is too late. So many things are coming to mind, so much hurt and pain. So much let down and denial. So many things left unsaid that are supposed to “protect” me from what is really going on. Do people not realize that it just makes it worse? It doesn’t protect me at all, it crushes me deep down inside, and it is my own fault for that happening.

I’m wasting potential, a sense of lost hope inspiring into a great depression, leading to only my demise. I have fallen greatly; I just need a hand to help me back up. Is that a redundant request on my part? So many sleepless nights have been spent just lying awake as the darkness consumes me. An Illegitimate course life seems to put me through. If I fall hard one last time, would that be alright? Or would I get looked upon as a selfish bastard that thinks everything is based around himself? A self contained disaster waiting to explode just like a can filled with pressure, thrown into a fire for all of it’s contains to blow into the world around.

Maybe I don’t trust enough. Perhaps I even am the problem for all of this confusion. It seems better to blame myself than others. At least then I won’t look at them in the grim light that I do at times. So is it safe to say that this is my own self breakdown? That I can rule out everyone else in this unrealistic logic of mine. Maybe it is my own insane concepts that I seem to grasp so tightly, never to let go off, because of my own stubborn ignorance. Shall I fall or rise to the occasion? Time shall tell all.
Written by Quick_Wit
Published
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