deepundergroundpoetry.com
you could have had me
Do you remember when I said
you could have had me?
But what you told me that you wanted
Was someone prettier than me
So you selected all the face cards from the royal deck
But you were ultimately blinded by what was plain to see
The wild card was the Joker disguised in the garb of a clown
A smooth tongued jester who stole your innocence so deceitfully
A master at sleight-of-hand who tricked the Queen of Hearts
Into giving away her pot of gold underhandedly for free
All the bets were placed, your chips down on the table
The game was called strip-poker but there was more to see
For there was more than naked beauty flushed within your hand
Once this shark bluffed with his grin he stripped away your dignity
Beating you with clubs and spades then cutting you with diamonds
Until finally he broke your heart before he vainly set you free
Leaving you shattered and marked, played a fool for your jewel
So now I feel a bit conceited upon my throne as King of poverty
For if all you wanted was love,
remember that I said,
you could have had me
you could have had me?
But what you told me that you wanted
Was someone prettier than me
So you selected all the face cards from the royal deck
But you were ultimately blinded by what was plain to see
The wild card was the Joker disguised in the garb of a clown
A smooth tongued jester who stole your innocence so deceitfully
A master at sleight-of-hand who tricked the Queen of Hearts
Into giving away her pot of gold underhandedly for free
All the bets were placed, your chips down on the table
The game was called strip-poker but there was more to see
For there was more than naked beauty flushed within your hand
Once this shark bluffed with his grin he stripped away your dignity
Beating you with clubs and spades then cutting you with diamonds
Until finally he broke your heart before he vainly set you free
Leaving you shattered and marked, played a fool for your jewel
So now I feel a bit conceited upon my throne as King of poverty
For if all you wanted was love,
remember that I said,
you could have had me
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The author encourages honest critique.
Re. you could have had me
Hi JJ,
Since you've been asking for honest critique, I'll give you mine.
I stopped listening to the video because it was too slow.
The poem is good although you should add anger to the hashtags. It seems laden with anger to me.
I like how you were consistent with the deck of cards theme, but I would have added another element, I thought it was a little too much.
I'm not trying to offend you.
Since you've been asking for honest critique, I'll give you mine.
I stopped listening to the video because it was too slow.
The poem is good although you should add anger to the hashtags. It seems laden with anger to me.
I like how you were consistent with the deck of cards theme, but I would have added another element, I thought it was a little too much.
I'm not trying to offend you.
1
Re: Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 6:45pm
I wrote it with a m8nd full of sarcasm over the regret she felt after choosing badly. I can't say I was angry so much as having a childish, "see, I told ya so" moment. I needed to release that emotion in a calm outburst. I get your view, but I didn't want her to perceive anger more than sarcasm. When someone chooses another person over you for reasons having nothing to do with love or happiness, they deserve most of what they get, though abuse is never what they deserve. I didn't want to be just like her abuser, I want her to see that anger can be controlled. Of course anger happens, but expressing it in words is always the better choice over fists...
Thanks for the thoughtful and honest comment!
JJ
Thanks for the thoughtful and honest comment!
JJ
Re: Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 6:50pm
Thank you for explaining.
It makes more sense to me now. As a reader, i would have liked more clarity as to your intent of the poem, but that's just me.
It's still good.
It makes more sense to me now. As a reader, i would have liked more clarity as to your intent of the poem, but that's just me.
It's still good.
1
Re: Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 7:17pm
You have a beautiful voice. I like the new video. The temp is a bit faster, it helps.
0
Re: Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 7:19pm
I have, all of my life, felt misunderstood. That has led me down a path of over explaining and getting a reputation for being long winded. In any case, I'm glad you said you felt the song was too slow, which caused me to listen to it again, which then I found the end of the song was somehow corrected in the download process. So I fixed the issue and the song is now complete. As the the speed and tone of the song, I chose that as to express the regret within the poem. So I didn't do as good at expressing my feelings as I could have. I will endeavor to do better...
JJ
JJ
Re: Re. you could have had me
JJ,
Your poem and song were good. I gave you my critique. if you felt moved to change your work, which you did, I hope that you changed it and liked the result because it suited you, not someone else.
Endeavoring to do better, working to express your feelings so that you don't feel misunderstood is a worthwhile goal, but it won't work if you aren't confident in your abilities, which you have.
I don't mean to preach to you, but please don't work so hard for the approval for others. It can be exhausting. You're very talented.
Your poem and song were good. I gave you my critique. if you felt moved to change your work, which you did, I hope that you changed it and liked the result because it suited you, not someone else.
Endeavoring to do better, working to express your feelings so that you don't feel misunderstood is a worthwhile goal, but it won't work if you aren't confident in your abilities, which you have.
I don't mean to preach to you, but please don't work so hard for the approval for others. It can be exhausting. You're very talented.
1
Re: Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 7:38pm
I have multiple versions of many of my songs. Nobody just records take one and releases it. Sometimes it requires trying completely different styles or trying a piano instead of a guitar. There are many possibilities and if something feels awkward or hard to work within a 4/4 time frame, sometimes changing a few words here and there make the beat work more smoothly in music, where the meter of spoken word works better when reciting poetry. There are subtle differences. I actually went through a process choosing which one to use originally. I love my poems, so sometimes I'm not the best judge of what works best. My brothers are musicians and often get frustrated with how I want them to sound and have a hard time understanding what I want. So I appreciate others opinions. If you think your criticism was harsh, you should hear my brothers criticisms... lol
JJ
JJ
Re: Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 7:42pm
Re: Re. you could have had me
Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 7:17pm
OMG! This is my kind of music. So real, thought challenging, and stimulating. A++. Hugs and love, Oral
1
Re: Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 7:23pm
Thank you Oralizer! If you sort my library for spoken word poems, you will find many other songs I have posted here...
.jj
.jj
Re: Re. you could have had me
12th Oct 2024 7:29pm
Re. you could have had me
15th Oct 2024 00:36am
Re: Re. you could have had me
15th Oct 2024 1:18am
Re: Re. you could have had me
15th Oct 2024 1:36am
I was talking about listening to the song the second time...it is a real UP creator....
1
Re. you could have had me
19th Oct 2024 6:11pm
Reflections give us the understanding of past choices and the paths taken. It felt melancholic and yet stoic. We can't change the past but we can accept it for what it was while moving forward.
Nice work.
Nice work.
1
Re: Re. you could have had me
19th Oct 2024 10:29pm
You are correct on both parts. Also, moving forward is part of the poetic and musical release of the pent up pain. For many years the only thing standinding between me and suicide was my poetry. But sometimes writing it on paper or a computer screen isn't enough. Sometimes I need to shout it fron the mountain tops, hence music...
JJ
JJ