Rumination

I miss you
So much
Till my chest starts hurting
Left gasping for air
I miss seeing your name
In the list of people
That watch my story
Every time I hope it’s there
Every time I’m disappointed

I see your name
Everywhere
I don’t know why
A constant reminder
From the universe
That I can’t have you
I miss the days when
I would wake up to your texts
We would talk and talk and talk
Like an endless ping pong match
Spilling over into the next days

You broke my heart
I don’t hate you for it
There’s no way I ever could
I think about you
Morning through evening
Into my dreams
You follow me around
Like a ghost
These memories of you
All that I have left

I hope one day
We can try again
I’m a fool to think
I’ll ever get that chance again
It’s best to move on
With this life
Until the pain of remembering you
Becomes bearable enough
To live normally again
Whatever normal means now

Life has become
Mind-numbingly dull
Alcohol keeps depression at bay
Weed numbs my thoughts
So I don’t think about you as much
A brief respite unfortunately
I end up thinking about you anyways
Apathy has truly consumed
My will to live

It’s unfortunate
My absence would cause many grief
If it didn’t
I wouldn’t be here
Writing this down

Sleep is my only escape
And even then
You invade my dreams
I just want quiet
I just want calm
I just want sleep