Necessary Parting

October 4, 2024

Yesterday was harder than I thought it would be. Handing Ava over to David and his wife felt like I was tearing a piece of my heart out and watching it walk away. For five months, she's been my constant companion, my little girl who needed me for everything — especially the comfort and nourishment of breastfeeding. It's been an intimate bond, one that I never thought I'd be able to break, even temporarily.

But after the abortion, everything feels different. The decision to go out of state for the procedure wasn't easy, but it was necessary. I keep telling myself that. I needed to do what was right for me, for my future, and for Ava too. I need to heal, both physically and emotionally, and that's hard to do when you're caring for a little one who depends on you so completely.

David and his wife have been understanding, more than I expected. They've promised to take good care of Ava, and I trust them, but it doesn't lessen the trauma of separation. I'm grateful that Ava has a father who loves her and a stepmother who's willing to step in when I can't be there.

Now, it's time for me to take a step back and focus on healing. I need to find a way to process the loss, the grief, and the guilt. I hope that in giving myself this space, I can come back stronger for Ava. She deserves a mother who is whole, and I intend to be that for her.

For now, I'll hold onto the little moments — the way Ava's hand wrapped around my finger, her soft breaths against my skin as she nursed, the weight of her small body in my arms. These memories will be my solace until I can hold her again.